I am sure you thought I left, and gave up my Dr. Jack way of life, nope! You couldn’t be more wrong. Lots of people might think that but they don’t really know me. And lots more people tried to convince me that I should go another route. But they, too, are wrong. People think I changed my way of eating, also wrong. They think I totally gave up … wrong….

It has been a difficult few years, with a lot of joy, but still difficult. Know the quickest route to symptoms and weight gain? Stress…. it truly is so much about stress. For my loyal friends who follow me, if you don’t think stress cannot push your Hashimoto’s into a tailspin, I am here to tell you, you are wrong. And how long will that tailspin last, is answered by my disease, as, “Who knows…..”. I am living proof that the best intentions in the world coupled with stress will bring back your disease with a vengeance.

Both my disease and my weight loss, kept creeping…..backwards. My efforts to derail it were met with my symptoms and Weight gain. Yet, despite all, I kept eating the same way. I still took the same supplements, Looking back now, I think if I hadn’t, things would be so much worse, but this week, something has shifted. I am not sure what the magic solution has been, although I attribute it to many things, but things might HAVE shifted.

This terrible place has lasted for more than a year, and no matter what I did, it just would not stop. But…..There are three things I hung onto throughout this place, that I am naming in the book I write, the chapter I will call “The Dark Forest.” Those things are Hope…. that is one thing I hung onto, and I seriously am hoping that I am finally out of that place, as this last week or so, I have seen the smallest amount of progress. Second, is Dr. Jack, who has always believed me when others have not, who just kept telling me to deal with my stress issues, to get past this and things would move again, back to where I am at my best. And third is my own stubbornness that refused to allow me to just quit and call it done.

If you have ever done a program with Dr. Jack, you know that there are times when you detox yourself, dump the toxic load that we all pick up from food, and the environment. As he explained to me, each of us has a bucket, and when it overfills, it wreaks havoc. I think I have the tiniest bucket in the world, and despite trying to dump it, still no bettering of symptoms and weight gain rather than loss. And I have tried every three months religiously to just do that, dump the bucket, and nothing happened, absolutely nothing. Until this week…

A few weeks ago, I tried one after school let out, results? None.. did I want to just give up? Yes! For a bit…. but I can’t…. I just can’t find it in me to give up.

Tried again, because how ridiculous right? Shouldn’t some change happen?? and suddenly something shifted… durning it, my Hashimoto symptoms went down and pain went up, a sure sign that something inside was losing its toxic load. You see when people detox they feel it in different ways. Some get headaches, or feel tired. Me? It is all about pain, pain in my spine, where my surgery was. Pain in my sciatic nerve, my tailbone where I broke it. So when the pain started I thought, wow, something might have shifted. That is when I knew something must have moved inside.

What has been the problem for the last year or so? Stress. Emotional stress, and physical stress caused by my trying the wrong way to deal with emotional stress. Way too much stress… Where did it all come from? How long a list? Let’s see, stress from watching my kids grieve, stress waiting for my granddaughter to be born safely, stress watching my daughter’s pregnancy, stress when Shannon died, stress watching my Joey go through Hell, stress from my job, stress from every day life, stress from Covid, and trying to do my job online, stress trying to juggle too many balls in air, stress from trying to do 110% everywhere and being mad that I couldn’t……. seriously I can go on here for days.. and the more is stressed, the more I stressed about the stress..

oh I tried to fix it! But my best efforts met no result, and then I blamed myself, so I started eating less and less, because that had to be the problem right? I mean if something was to blame it must be ME…that is the topic of another day!

For today, I savor the pain, that hopefully brings a change. I truly hope, that after this deep dark forest where I have been lost for so long, trying way too hard to find a way out of, I have done just that.

I had the chiropractor this morning. He started and said, “You seem tight, here and here.” Yup! That is the spot!! THOSE are the pain spots!! This just might be the turning point. Maybe I finally finally finally have dealt with what I need to inside to make this disease calm itself down. Hoping….

I have one goal, to be my best self, physically, emotionally….. after all, I have the best reason in the world. I want to watch this, to not miss a moment of this, my biggest blessing to grow, to just become who she is. Look at her, isn’t she the best gift Heaven ever sent? And look at her looking at me? She has high hopes for me. Can’t let her down.

No, I have not written in a bit. And there have been a lot of reasons for that.   So let’s start with the good ones……

Her!   Tell me if you had five minutes and you were me, who would you spend it on, because she is IT for me.  

Look at her.   She will be four months old on the tenth and I am so in love with her it is ridiculous.   I couldn’t  ever have imagined what a huge part of my heart she would steal.  My day isn’t complete without a visit to Rachael’s world.     When she sleeps, I see her brother’s face…. and I wonder what he would have been like.  She is a sweet baby, but cries the house down when she is hungry.

But she loves people, her people, and her dog.   She loves silly songs, even if you sing off key and make up words, and story books.   She loves to look everywhere and just like me? She loves to be outside.  I think she will be like my kids and blow through two strollers easily.   She hates the pacifier but prefers to shove her thumb and pointer fiingef in her mouth like she is going to whistle.  And when she is happy, she crunches her nose when she smiles her biggest smile.   When she coos at me,my heart is full.   She is the good….   all good.  And when I look at her, I see all that is good in the world.

I can’t even imagine my world without Rachael.  I am so grateful to Dr. Jack for helping Sara.   Look at her! She is perfect!  Her huge eyes draw you in.   And her sweet smile makes you smile back.  For all of us, she is good medicine.  Most especially she is good medicine for Joey.

Sara and Russ have been most kind a out our constant visits and I love to take her for rides in my car, or walks down McKinley. Someone told me a long time ago, there is something about grandchildren, and there truly is.   But when people ask if I am enjoying my first, I never let anyone forget she is my second.   She is so sweet to me, relaxes in my arms, and turns her head to smile at me.   She calms my worst days.   Nothing sweeter…..

 

The bad… well… it’s been a tough year.   I have been kind of frustrated for about the last eight months.  My best efforts to get my life moving to a healthier direction have met a lot of obstacles.   When baby Russ died  I quickly gained ten pounds. Not changing my eating habits I have no idea how.   Then Shannon brought another ten and the school year brought its ten.   Rough times.

If you have ever heard that stress weighs, I am the illustration.  It’s been hard on me, leaving me plenty of times in tears.   And recently s friend asked me if I am ready to just give up now.   I actually laughed out loud.

I am sure they did  not know me well enough to understand.  You see, the truth is, not one single thing in life have I ever done the easy way.  Not a single one.  I wish I could think of one but no.   So why should this be different.   Does that hurt…. yes!   I am embarrassed, aggravated, feel like giving up…. but I won’t.  That’s never been my style.   Nope, I am the kind who lays on the ground, beat up, dirty, and cries for a bit.   But then I get up and keep on, even if I reach the finish line dead last.

It’s been tough.    I had to deal with a few very personal things this summer and face a lot of truth about the stress in my life, but I have faced it.   I know where the problems were and hopefully, I have dealt with them, so the scale better respond.   I know there are times when I just couldn’t keep up with my own life, and I have to find better balance.    And I optimistically look to regroup now.  Did it before and can do it again.   No great journey is complete without its hiccup in the road.   This, unfortunately, is mine.   Don’t appreciate how long it has gone on, but oh well.   Nothing I can do but march on.   More about this as I make some progress!

September is back to school, and a great time to return to more structured time!  September resolutions are always good!  Join me….. the walk will be easier if I have friends along.

Hugs,

Chris

 

 

 

 

 

I meet the most interesting people!   Today I was at the library, waiting for a student.   A woman walked by and asked if I minded if she put her pile of books down for a second so she could search for another.   I smiled and told her it was fine and then I saw all the titles.  All of them were books about thyroid disease and Hashimoto’s.

When she came back she told me she had been diagnosed about eight months ago.  The story went so similar to my own….  the doctor told her she had the most manageable disease ever, that all she needed to do was sooooo simple!   Jus take a little pill every day for the rest of her life and go ahead and live normally.  Live normally??   I almost laughed.

Her problem was that her life was not back to normal and she was trying to do research.  I sympathetically responded how well I could understand.   We talked for a few minutes. I briefly told her my story and I gave her Dr. Jack’s website information.  I don’t know why I don’t just ask him for his business cards, right??

She talked for a few more minutes and I thought a lot about her today, and I felt badly about her frustration. You see, I know ….  I know it’s only a matter of time.  Her symptoms are worsening and every time she visits the doctor there are more…   yeah I know that story….all those truths they told her are lies.   Her doctor told her the synthroid would make it all better.  That it is easy!   All her symptoms will go away.   But they won’t.

She will go back lots and lots of times.  Her symptoms will seem better but only for a short time, then they will pump her up with more meds.   But that will only be short lived too.   Pretty soon there will be new symptoms that make her wish she only had the old ones.  None will come off the list, the list is like a virus, it just grows.

She wants to feel normal.   Hashimoto’s is a disease that robs you of “normal.”    Nothing is normal ever again.    Not unless you are willing to try something totally out of the box.   Change what you eat.  I told her that magic secret but she told me that her doctor said it has nothing to do with food, it’s just an autoimmune response.

Yeah, well, that means it is responding to something!!   She told me it is just easier to take the little pill and eat how you like, she was just researching how to live better with the disease….    sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I used to think like that, when I didn’t know there were options, until I became the poster girl for the list of symptoms.  Then you reach a place where you are so desperate that you  would do anything for some small amount of relief.   Back when I started with Dr. Jack, I hoped if I was really lucky, to lose a few symptoms.   I have lost them all!

Do they ever come back?  Occasionally, when I am not being as careful as I should.  But lucky for me, I know I just need to tighten up the game plan and things improve quickly.   For me, times of stress produce symptoms.

I hope she figures out the truth….   I read all of those books she had, none of them helped.   The ones I bought, I happily gave to Dr. Jack for his reading amusement.

The truth about Hashimoto’s is that you CAN live a symptom free life….but only if you want to.

Happy Summer!   I didn’t think I was ever going to get here.    What a year!  After last summer and all it brought, I jumped right into the school year.

Summer, for me, has always meant simply transitioning.   Transitioning from one job to another. Every year it was the same, I would finish my teaching job on Friday,  and on Saturday I would start what seemed like full-time summer hours at Walmart .   It wasn’t easy.  It always felt as though this summer was just filled.     And then in September I would return to my job without any rest.

This is my first summer in over 10 years that I will not be working another full-time job. It doesn’t mean that I get to spend the summer idly. I actually have quite a number of tutoring students and plan on picking up a few more. But I’ve decided to structure things differently and get a few more days that are totally free.

After all one of the things I want to spend a lot time on is my granddaughter.    Who wouldn’t want to spend time cuddling with this little cutie? Seriously, who can resist that face?

But in the midst of all of that,  one of the biggest things that I need to spend time on is me. That’s pretty unfamiliar territory for me.   “Me” has not been on the list for a longggggg time.   That is pretty obvious physically and mentally.  I gained back some weight without even trying!   And mentally, I have felt pretty worn down.

Dr. Jack has been telling me forever….. stress…. stress has an impact on health….  was I doing lots wrong?   Obviously!   Too many late nights, not eating, skipping meals when I was starving and then eating late, up too late, dealing with job stresses…… all of it added up.    And the thing is, I can’t ever seem to figure out how others just can dismiss all that!

If a kid in my class is not doing well?  I think it’s my fault.  If parents are displeased, my fault.  If I get criticized, I take that all to heart…. must be my fault.   And then I pour a ton of energy into trying to change it!   Working working working only to realize that there are some things I can never change!  I sat feeling badly over exam grades, feeling like a failure only to listen to kids later saying how no one studies for math anyway, ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..   stress, stress, stress……..

Dr. Jack has been telling me that for a long time.  I bet if I gave him a dollar for every time he reminded me about it, I could hand him enough money for a two week trip to Europe!   I heard him, I just couldn’t seem to find a way to do it.  I don’t k ow if I can!   I have been this way for so long….  I am a fixer….. I am an empathetic person…. I collect everyone’s emotions and hold them as my own….  I don’t have good boundaries for those things and I am not sure how to learn them……    I tried..I really do try…. I try to take good care of me…. but then things that were more important found their way in.    What was more important?   Everything….

It took me almost the year to figure out why.  And I haven’t even shared the answer with him yet.

Last week, graduation was done, the papers all graded, the students on their way, my tutoring kids all finished until summer…..  Sara and Russ are happy, Joey is just wrapped into being an uncle, and all the grieving although still with us, especially the next two months, has it’s moments of joy.   I watch his beautiful face hugging and kissing the bab6 and my heart is happy!

And so on my way home, I decided to stop for just five minutes near the Lake Erie shore, because I loveeeeeee to sit outside near the water.  I have always loved to camp, be outside in the fresh air and sunshine, to be at peace.

I found a lovely spot, quiet, and I sat there and I was just enjoying it when all of a sudden, my eyes filled with tears…..  it’s hard to explain but something inside just broke.   Tears started coming from no where….. I had no idea why or how,  but I quickly got myself to my car.   The flood did not stop.   I sat there thinking about the baby, thinking about Shannon.   Could I have done more to help?  What could I have done different?   Was any of it my fault?   How did I let myself get to here?

Finally, it all hit me…  I spent the entire year not ever once giving myself a chance to grieve for those we lost.  Oh I cried, but quickly told myself I had people, to take care of.     Instead of taking time to care for me, I pushed that aside, I poured myself into making it better for everyone else.   After all, I am a mom…..   I am a teacher…. I could not freeze dry these people around me while I dealt inside myself.

So instead of giving myself permission to feel pain, I pushed it aside, and poured myself into always trying to fix it for everyone else, make it better, do my best work.   I refused to allow myself even an hour to sit down and feel anything…… to just feel it.

Sigh…..

The tsunami of grief has passed…..   and now I can see more clearly.   I have let a lot of things about myself go in an effort to not feel anything.   I go to the ymca six days a week, results?  None.   I eat really well, results?  Have gone backward!  Sleep?  Umm… sure…..   I try……. Why??

I have worked like a crazy lady!  Seven days a week.   Taken on too much! Far tooooooo much!     Never stopped to enjoy much of life until Rachael was born, and not done anything to take care of myself. Not really……   and for what?   What benefit did I get from it?   Again sighhhhhhh…..

Life is all about change and it’s never too late to evolve yourself, never too late to change.  So here I am, sitting on the porch steps, in the sunshine…… taking time to write this…. taking time to just breathe…. to take care of myself with the same kindness and love I give to everyone else.    I may not be good at this, but it doesn’t mean I can’t learn how to!  After all other people do it!  Dr. Jack is one of the busiest people I know!  If he can manage it, there must be ways I don’t understand …. yet!

Me…….I did a good job taking care of everyone around me.  I really did.  I give myself credit for that.   But it’s high time I took as good care of ….. me.

I know I am not the only one…. so do a little something nice for YOU today!  That will make me feel better if you do.   I will feel like I helped someone else! Evolve….. if I can… you can!

Hugs,

Chris

I know it’s been a while since I wrote.  I have been a whole lot of busy….   my Sara had a pregnancy where she needed a lot of help.   After what happened with baby Russ, she had to be stitched closed.  That meant no lifting, no pulling or pushing, and that meant she needed help.

And my time was chewed up with what had to happen. So my weekends were spent with one day on Sara’s house and laundry and one day on my own.  Between all that, my tutoring kids and my teaching job and just life, there wasn’t much time for anything else.

Sara’s doctor decided to induce her on Thursday.   I was beyond touched that she and Russ invited me to be with them for the birth.   As a mom, it was one of our greatest bonding days. I walked with her through contractions, became her breathing buddy, making her laugh and smile.   It was all great until,she got stuck at 8cm and no progress. Rachael wasn’t liking the pitocin and Sara was getting so tired.    They cut it off awhile and let her rest but I could see on her face, it was wearing.

 

I massaged her back, she slept a bit and they came in and gave it another go.

Russ and I had to wait outside in the waiting room for the epidural to be done.   My stoic son in law was pouring excess energy from ever cell.  I told him I just wanted to lay there and take a turn for her and he he did too.   We just wanted to help.  An epidural helped but it still was 8 cm..  Russ held her hand and I  left to go let Bailey out for a bit.    Then I called in the big guns.  I texted Dr. Jack who just kept encouraging me to keep doing what I could to help.  He is always the voice of optimism and hope.

I believed him and hung on,  but stopped to pray outside under the tree  in the only way I have ever prayed….. “God?   It’s me….I need help here…. help for my daughter.   We have never done anything the easy way, I get that, but my Sara needs big help.   Please, this needs to move along, she needs hope, and so do I!   so please…. I have to have one miracle left for myself to gladly give up to help this along.    Russ Jr, this is your grandmother calling, Shannon, mom, dad, gather up everyone in our family!   I need help!    We can’t do this alone, so send help!”

When I got back, I told Sara that whatever the doctor said when she returned we would go along with and she cried but agreed.   The midwife told us that the doctor decided to cut back the pitocin and top off the epidural and just give Sara a chance.  Awhile later,  Sara asked the midwife to check and she said, “Sara, I can feel her head, you did it,  and she has hair!  Looks like this is a go.”

Between that,  hope, and the heaven sent cavalry, the Doctor came in ready to go.  I got to be right there holding her foot and helping her bear down, at 8:13 p.m.this happened….

With only a few pushes, Rachael Christine Eddy came into the world weighing a mere five pounds, ten ounces, 18 and 1/4 inches long.    They laid her on her mom’s chest  she opened her eyes and locked eyes with her mom.    I watched the tears roll from my daughter’s eyes, my son in law, so moved and the tears in my own…..

 

I thanked God and whoever else filled that room.  Finally…. after all of it, the joy had arrived…. The hospital stay was all normal and fun.  Joey came to visit and immediately became smitten with his niece,  as did Sara’s dad and his girlfriend.

The Family came home yesterday. Rachael wore the same sweater and hat that Sara wore when she came home, a family heirloom made by my Oma for Sara.

I came yesterday and today to lend a hand, will come to help on Monday, do laundry, vacuum, grocery run. I am trying to just give time.  I love to hold her and would non stop but I don’t.  My daughter needs my help.  Help to get a routine going, time to shower, to eat, to nap.  Russ is taking a short leave to bond with his little girl, so I will feel okay leaving them.

Everyone worried about Bailey, their dog’s reaction, but his role of big brother,is very serious to him. He sleeps by Rachael’s basinette.  This morning as Sara got ready for her day and Russ showered, I was working around and  Rachael made some baby noises.  He immediately jumped up and sniffed near her and whimpered.  Then he ran for mom and dad.   Sara has to tell him Rachael is okay. Today while Sara napped he heard her and ran to get me from the basement.

All is well..all is wonderful, and as I watch the joy on Sara and Russ’s faces….. watching them fall in love.   And the world was so good.  And then it got better yesterday.   Joey came over for the day to help.  I watched him hold her, and talk to her.   He kept calling her sweet pea, and gently cooing to her.   His massive hands engulfed her entire body.   She snuggled into his chest, happy, loved, content.

I looked at his face, and he smiled…..  he actually smiled.   And I immediately welled up with tears.  He was happy…..   I thought I might never ever see him happy again. It has been forever since I saw a true smile on his face.   Not the pretend kind that he shows the world, but the real thing.   And I  thanked God for that moment, to see his face, the total love for this little girl.   

After all my family went through, all of us….. there is this sweet tiny miracle.   So much love in such a tiny little love bug, sweet pea, as Joey calls her.

Thank you to all for prayers, for helping us hang on…. for Dr. Jack and his constant encouragement and help in treating Sara’s pcos.  For him holding my hand through the most stressful year of my entire life, for not giving up on me, but instead helping me hang on.    Thank you to Dr. Sanfilippo who took every necessary precaution to help Sara make it, and for not giving up on Sara, being so encouraging to her.   Our thanks  to the labor and delivery nurses at Mercy hospital, who went all out to help, who remembered our family from baby Russ,   and everyone involved in Sara’s treatment and care.    But especially thanks to prayer friends, friends who never gave up on the prayers, and who held our hand through this whole journey…. and most especially to God…. God has been so kind to us, sending this child, this sweet faced baby with her beautiful big eyes and sweet personality.

Best Mother’s Day of my entire life.  I stopped by the cemetery this morning to thank my grandson for coming when I called. I am most grateful.

Miracles do happen, they really do and joy definitely came back to a family who needed it, and just when we needed it the most…..   but especially thanks to Rachael for choosing us.  You are a sweet little girl, and we all love you so much already.  Your cousin Natalie is so taken with you.    Great Aunt Sara came by yesterday for a snuggle and all agree you are just so cute….  We are an interesting family, but I promise you will have every ounce of love and support you will ever need. We will be here for you every step,of your life.   We waited a long time for you angel girl….  some babies are rainbow babies, but you dolly, you are so much more. …..

love, Grandma

 

 

 

 

 

Soooooo…..   Dr. Jack and I tried something this week…  autopilot…well from Tuesday to today….

It started Tuesday.  We were talking about my food journal.  My food journal really is an interesting thing,  I am proud of it, a work of art!    I have kept meticulous records of everything I eat.  And I have kept a journal of how my days impacted my food.  It was to the letter of the law.   Added in a snack? Wrote it down.  Forgot something? Go back, fill it in.

I finally loosened up about the exact amounts.  You know, like counting lettuce, or  one day I lived large and estimated what a fourth cup of blueberries looks like.   Lol…. No I am not kidding.

But, we were talking about it and he suggested that I not write it down for a week and see how it goes.   After all, do you think Dr. Jack has time to write down everything he eats?   I know a lot of people have told me that they can’t believe I still keep it, but it is a great habit, one that forces you so see what you eat in a day, but it is something that I obsessed over, too.

Our conversation,  as are all? Eye opening.  “You know Chris, I read your pages and it’s like you are trying to …..well, what’s the word?”   Me: “Be perfect?”   Yes… that was the word.  He is so kind to me… but the truth is, that a lot of what I do impacts my health.   And I am grateful he is brave to just tell me.   We have a nice conversation about how life is to be enjoyed.   It’s okay to be human was the the theme.  But in the back of my head?  My little demons, like misbehaving children were screaming, “No!  That’s for him to enjoy!  You have weight to lose! You cant do that! As soon as you do, you will mess up!”  I tried to hush them and listen.   Yes, sometimes, I am stressed running home to complete my pages each day, and tired.  Maybe that too, has added stress.

So how did the week of no journal go? Ummmm.   I cheated…. not on the food, on the idea…  for two days, I kept writing what I ate on a post it and kept in my pocket, being sneaky to throw it out at the end of the day, like what?   He was going to know?   Lol…. I was going to be caught or something… lol….  and then for two days, I mentally memorized it all day like one of those games you play with a kid to help memory.   Remember on Sesame Street when they did those going to the store games?   I had two eggs.   Later, I had two eggs and some red pepper slices.   Later, I had two eggs, some red pepper slices and some chicken, I had two eggs, some red pepper slices, chicken and a small salad with olive oil.  I have had two eggs, some red pepper…..   it went on all day!

Then finally, I just gave in.  Okay…… breathe!

Dont judge me….. I have big problems.  Lol……

This morning, I got up, went to grab my iPad and my book, to take pictures because it’s Sunday and that’s what we do on Sunday!    and then I thought…. oh yeah, there are no pages.  I must admit it threw my Sunday off a bit with confusion.  I feel like I messed up. Lol….

I must admit that later in the week, it took away that  page flipping thing I do to be sure I have not consumed too many sugary vegetables, or too much fruit, or too much of the same food. It also let me be a bit more spontaneous.

How do I feel about it? Ehhhhhh…… not sure yet,  I am a creature of habits and this one is like my security blanket. Hard to put down.  Not ready to give it up….

Do I recommend it? Not sure yet…. I will get back to you.   In the meantime, today, I had two eggs, some mushrooms, made into an omlet, a salad, with cucumbers, lettuce, radishes, peppers, olive oil and chopped veggies from the fridge…..   and lots of water, oh no, how much?!   Lol…..    Dr. Jack?  I may be too far gone for spontaneous. Lol…

A long time ago, I read something that talked about how your greatest gift is your curse.   I have often thought about that and realized its truth.   My greatest gift?  I have this huge over the top enormous ability to love. It’s a great gift!  I love everyone, many beyond the normal.  And those I really love? There is nothing that gets in my way.     It has come in handy when I love kids in my class so much, that I will do whatever it takes to help them, even if they hate me for it.   It has helped me be strong for my family when they needed me the most.  It has allowed me to show gratitude for the smallest thing s people do for me.

It has pushed me way out of my comfort zone to do things for people all the time, things I didn’t believe I could do.   But it has also been a curse.   I get hurt soooooo easily.   Dr. Jack often reminds me that I take far too much to heart and Rob tells me all the time, to not worry so much about what others think.   It is difficult to sort out where that gift must have limits.  And I cannot say I am too successful with that.  I can’t actually say I am successful at all.   I struggle with that daily.

A few days ago, a friend asked how my month and a half of daily YMCA  working out is going in terms of pounds lost.   And my answer was simple…. I have not lost a thing and I don’t go there to lose weight.   That would be a lesson I learned the first time I listened to Dr. Jack’s webinar.  You don’t exercise to lose weight, you do it for the health benefits. For me those benefits are increased strength, agility, endurance, coordination, benefits I don’t see in a mirror or on a scale, and a place to work off a whole pile of stress, and I mean a pillleeeeeee of stress.    She commented that since all these added  efforts since summer have not yielded the results I wanted  why not just give up, eat what I like, and accept that no change will come…..  I actually laughed….. And again I had two answers….. it has not yielded the results I want YET and I am far too stubborn to give up…. I have never given up on anyone in my life.    It took me a lifetime to figure out that there is one person I should never give up on….ME.

That got me thinking, that those things that are my curse can also be my gift.   I am the most stubborn person I know, except for one friend who is far worse than me.   I come by it naturally, coming from a long line of stubborn people.   I often joke that if you look up the word stubborn in a dictionary, I am sure my face is the illustration, and my family lineage the history of the word.

My stubborness has served me well.   I refuse to ever give up on a single child in my care.   I refuse to allow Sara to give up when she had three miscarriages.   My stubborness made me push my own children in the directions they needed to go.   My stubborn streak looks at things that don’t work and makes me think I am just one tiny step away from success!

It is my stubbornness that refuses to allow me to just throw in the towel.  When I can’t do some exercise at the Y, I hide in the bathroom for awhile or walk the track to clear my head and try again.  If I am too sore, I try again tomorrow or the next day.   I get mad about why I can’t but I refuse to accept that I can’t.   I hate that word… can’t.  Although when Dr. Jack asks me to try something, it is my gut reaction, “I can’t,” a phrase born of mostly fear.   But that stubborn streak, it eventually gives way to, “I will try.”

Eventually I get to a place where it is okay, like the whole exercise thing, or eating great.   After all, I do have so many benefits to what I am doing, just waiting on one will not phase me.   You see, I want it all.   And it doesn’t matter how long it takes to get there, somehow and some way, I am getting it all.  Too stubborn not to shoot for that. I want my life to reach its high point of health. I want to be able to do things I never dreamed I could do!     I want it to be the very best it can be.   And I am unwilling to just settle for this “as good as it gets” attitude.   I don’t think so…..

After all, other people have their best, and why shouldn’t I want the same? Aren’t I entitled to it?  Why do I have settle for good enough?    Didn’t I pay dues for the best?     Didn’t you?   Yeah, way tooooo stubborn to drop the ball here…..  Is it easy to keep that attitude going?  Ummm…. no… but luckily for me, I have surrounded my inner circle of people who would hate to admit, that they are just as stubborn as me!  They won’t give up on me, and I won’t either!

Take your worst quality…. turn it around and use it to achieve your best!

Hugs,

Chris

Happy Easter!  A fun family day!  I know, you got everyone’s Easter basket ready, made plans for your religious observance, planned brunch, got all the food for Easter dinner, colored eggs, did all the holiday preparations….

But what did you do for YOU? What is going to happen today that is for you?

I know you are rolling your eyes, it is a family holiday, it isn’t about you.   But the thing is, it’s never about you….   and it’s never about me, a realization that often hits me hard.  In the course of a day what have you done for you?

Today, it’s hard to do that.  For me, too.   My sister is away visiting her son and  his wife, we usually do holidays together.  So I am cooking dinner for Russ, Sara, Joey and myself.   And it’s funny how holiday meals have the same prep as they do if you had twenty people showing up.  Granted it’s more low key but I still am making all the things they love.

Today isn’t about me, it’s about our family.

But tomorrow?  I need to do some things for me.   Need to feed my soul a bit.  I know I need to.   Sometimes, I get so into doing things for other people, that I totally forget about myself.   I get lost in projects and “have to’s“ for other people.   So much so that at the end of the day?  I don’t think I did a single thing for myself.

Awhile ago, I had a great conversation with Dr. Jack. He told me that as he hears about my days, he often thinks that I do so much for other people and yet next to nothing for myself.   And I realized he is totally right!   What do I do for me??

For me, it is awful!  I admit that.   His words hit me one day, when I looked down at my dry hands.  And I thought, that I would look for some lotion in my bag later.   And suddenly his words hit me…..  wow!  I won’t even take one minute to take care of myself??   Seriously?   I am awful at this.. I realized that it goes on all day….  like I didn’t finish my lunch, no big deal…. I would like to make myself something nice for dinner, nah…. I have some leftover chicken, that’s good enough.   Wow…..  how did I get like that?

I am not alone…….What do you do for you? How often do you push yourself on this side?   “I don’t need anything, I am fine.”  Yeah.. obviously we aren’t or you would,have stopped reading.

Maybe today is a great day to think about that.   I know my week off from school already has far too much jammed in.   Saturday is Sara’s baby shower! JOY!  But lots to do to get ready….   and I have some tutoring students needing help, but I absolutely need to squeeze in some ME time.  And so do you!

So while you are making the great day for the kids, stuffing Easter baskets, ironing everyone’s new clothes, making your signature dish that is labor intensive but all enjoy…remember, that we all do it, push ourselves aside, but spend a minute thinking about tomorrow….. and what can you do for yourself?  Do something nice! You deserve it!

Hugs!

Happy Easter!

Chris

We lost Louie….  he has gone to heaven to be with Shannon.

For those of you who have followed my life forever,  no this isn’t about my Hashimoto’s Disease, but it is about the stress In it…. including losing Louie…..

We lost Louie… Louie wasn’t supposed to go yet.  We weren’t ready.   Louie was Shannon’s cat, who came to live with Joey and I, when Shannon moved in last October.     He came with all her other pets, a lion mane rabbit named, Gizzy, Bentley the bearded dragon and Eli, a sweet guinea pig.    They all came…..

Louie was quite an old man already when he arrived.   His first day was spent under Joey’s bed, but little by little he got accustomed to living with us.   Shannon’s mom was unable to take Louie to her new apartment and he was so bonded with Joey and Shannon that it was the best move for him.  And I didn’t mind.  After all, she and Joey took care of all the animals, and I didn’t need to do anything for them.

Louie and I got acquainted little by little.  It started with him just staring at me while I talked.  Then we moved to him jumping on my chair to sit next to me, and then… well…. I fell in love with him.   And suddenly, our relationship was as if we were old friends.   He was not much of a lap cat.  But what he did do was sit on the arm of the chair and while I talked, he listened to me.   Gradually, whether he understood me or instinctively started to understand the tone of my voice, as I talked he would place his paw on my arm, as if he were an old friend, concerned about me.

It didn’t take Louie long to figure out that I was the mom at the house, the first one out of bed.  He never came into my room but sat at my door and meowed for his breakfast.   I would get up and feed him before showering for work, up until Shannon died.  On that day, he decided that he was the dad of all creatures.   He would come in my room, jump up on my bed, and lay his paw on my shoulder and gently meow to me until I woke up.   I would get out of bed, get his food, but he was always a gentleman.  He would not touch a mouthful unless I walked down the hall to feed the other furry creatures.  He accepted that I was unwilling to feed the bearded dragon, and such was our agreement.

 

Read moreLosing Louie….

“Massage therapy?  Me??    You want me to do what?!    Oh,   I don’t think so Dr. Jack!”  That was my immediate response.

I really don’t mean to torture poor Dr. Jack…..  I really really realllllllyyyyyy don’t, but I know I do.   He tries so hard to suggest things that will help me and usually the first word out of my unfiltered lips? NO! Oh noooooo….    Uh, uh, not going, forget it! No way!  I don’t even listen to his reasons because my gut reaction is NO.

This was no different.  About ten years ago, I had back surgery to remove a benign tumor growing in my spine  that was pushing on my spinal cord. Painful… dibilitating….I couldn’t feel my legs anymore, nor my feet…   It was a two month recovery at home, plus an endless  recovery to normal as sensations returned, they did so on fire. It was a difficult recovery on good days, and is true that when they mess around in there, some things are just never the same.  And I struggled to get my life back.  I walked and cried for weeks, but was determined I was taking my life back.

Read moreMassage therapy?! Ummmm…. NO! Ughhh… okay…. I will try….