I know…. you think I wrote that incorrectly. It’s supposed to be love your neighbor as yourself. The fact is that it’s a lot easier for me to love my neighbor. I have always lived my life as a person who tries to show kindness to everyone I meet. The world can be such a cruel, unkind place and I always thought maybe I could just make a difference to one person each day. Just one, because I know how grateful I have always been to anyone who does that for me.
In my life changing journey, I have come to understand that I really am not very kind to myself. Where I can be so sweet and nice to others, to myself, I am awful. I show such loathing and hurl such self inflicted cruel remarks larger than anything others have said to me. It’s almost like some sick obsession, that if the world is cruel and unkind to you, well, you show yourself that was nothing and be ten times worse to yourself. My friend, Mark, aptly pointed that out to me years ago. “You are a bully,” he told me. “What are you talking about? I am never a bully! Not to anyone!!” I barked back. He patiently went on to explain that I bully myself. I hold myself to unrealistic expectations, I am unkind. I don’t do that to a single person on this planet, I would never….. except to me.
Dr. Jack pointed that out to me several….numerous….Okay, a thousand times already. Rob Ciminelli showed me that, too. Okay, a thousand more times. I always tell them all, I am a turtle, I learn slowwwwwwwlyyyyyyyy….. I am stubborn, a trait that helped me survive so much, so if you tell me I need to change something, it’s going to take time for my head to catch up. I never saw it as hurting my health, but now I do. Turtle…..
Soooooo, be honest…. some of you do it, too. There’s no way I am the only one. Be totally honest…. the world calls you fat, you look in the mirror silently telling yourself you are disgusting. You have no willpower, you are out of control…. Someone calls you ugly, you look inward and do more damage than they did. It’s easy to do that, it’s habitual. And if you want to, you can break the pattern, but sometimes, we don’t want to. It’s easy to be self critical, after all, everyone else is pointing it out so that makes it true, right? It’s an awful cycle.
How did I get like that? The same way you did….
We are so busy taking care of others, putting their needs ahead of ours. Their needs come first. Always!! As a mom, I get that but sometimes you have to move yourself to the front of the heap. Who is taking care of you?
Others are allowed to be tired, hungry, needing a break and we are the first to help them. But how do we treat ourselves? By being a bully. It’s your own fault you are tired! You take on way too much, so you have no one to blame but yourself. So shut up and deal, gosh, you just feel sorry for yourself. Hungry? Oh sure… unprepared again? You eat too much anyways. When will you ever learn that you can’t go unprepared. So too bad if you are hungry, that’s your own fault. Hunger is weakness, stop being weak.
Need a break? Are you kidding me? You do not have time for that at all. You are lazy. You need to get all this stuff done, so stop whining about it. The list goes on and on and on……
sighh…. what a vicious cycle, and the more unkind you are to yourself? The easier it becomes to be even more cruel the next time. One day, after a comment Dr. Jack made to me, I realized I gave to stop this behavior. It does nothing but hurt. It is not motivating.
Every day, I try to grow as a person. I try to heal what is inside as much as what is out. One of the hardest lessons, is this one…. to love me as much as I love others. I am not there yet, old habits die hard. But they can be broken. You have to just keep at it. I am making progress.
So how am I fixing it? By changing the inner chatter…. totally stopping it in its tracks. I have had whole inner conversations that started cruelly and then I yelled out loud, “Oh I don’t think so…. not today! We are not going there today, so forget it! “. As soon as that voice starts with its criticism and bullying, I stop it.
Hungry? Not a problem, I can eat…seriously, hunger is a human thing. Why am I getting mad at me because I need some fuel. Everyone gets hungry! That’s not weakness.
Tired? You have every right to be tired. I work a full time job, a part time job, and I have a few tutoring students. I try my best for all of those and then there are house things, other things, all kinds of things. Who wouldn’t be tired? Here is an idea…. Go to bed!
Need a break? The world isn’t going to stop because I take twenty minutes to read, or go for a walk, or poke around online. A minutes of something other than work is not going to hurt and can only help. Clear your mind.
Meditation? I have learned how freeing it is. Am I good at it? Umm… no lol but it’s getting easier to quiet my mind, silence the voice that is critical. It’s all about making new habits.
Be kind to YOU. You are a good person, giving to all you meet. Exercise that same kindness to yourself.
Love your self, as your neighbor!
Hugs!!
Chris