My daughter lost her baby….
..
I have been staring at the sentence for days now…. maybe if I don’t talk about it, it won’t be real…..maybe I will wake up and it will all have just been a bad dream…. but it isn’t…. it’s our reality and we are all devastated. I need to talk about it because I cannot sleep… it’s three a.m., and I can’t quite settle in for more than a few hours. I just want to fix this…. and I can’t.
After two other miscarriages, this was the ONE. Things were going so well. Sara was nervous but I kept reminding her it was five months, time to settle into the pregnancy and enjoy it. The baby was active, healthy and growing. Her health was great and all was well with her. Her doctor visits showed no signs of anything wrong.
And then this awful thing started…..Last Sunday. Sara called me. When she was using the bathroom she felt something. Okay, I silently panicked, but I calmly told her to call the doctor. She called the doctor and had an appointment Monday, where she immediately went to the hospital, was greeted by nurses at the door, taken to an isolated room in labor and delivery. Even the doctor was shocked. There had been no pain, no warning signs.
Her cervix had opened and the amniotic sac had pushed down into the birth canal. Specialists were called, ideas throw out…maybe if they inverted her a bit, it would slide back up.. doctors and more doctors…. she was told this is the “silent”miscarriage. All the details are not important now….. the inevitable had started. The ob/gym told her had it happened at week 24 he would have a fifty fifty chance but week twenty one was no hope. The staff at South Buffalo Mercy were beyond wonderful. They rallied around all of us, doing whatever they could. But the fact was that this situation was not going to end well.
I was with them, the entire time, no way would I not be there, I was stoic, optimistic….. until that moment. I texted Dr. Jack….. who has become so much of a friend to me. He held my hand and Sara and Russ’s through this whole thing. I have no words for that and I can’t write more about that right now through my tears….
Her labor began, and she was in pain. They gave her an epidural and she rested as I watched her, praying that the outcome be different. She delivered a twenty one week old baby boy at 7:20. We were told by the doctors that he would not survive long, as his eyes were still fused shut and his lungs not developed enough to sustain him. She let out a gasp and I ran to hit the button. Her husband jumped up and in milliseconds the room was filled. When they pulled back the sheets, there he lay, squirming, my grandson, and my heart jumped.
Russ cut the cord and they laid him on Sara’s chest. The nurse kept telling Sara he was perfect, she ran to get a camera to document his birth. The second they laid him on her chest, he squirmed into a spot, he pulled his hand under his chin, the same way Sara has always slept, and he settled in. His father put his hand around his back, he wiggled some more and quieted. He was home……
I grabbed some water and we baptized him, fearing he would go in minutes. But he is true to his heritage…. stubborn, and strong. He refused to go out except under his own terms. He lasted an hour and a half.
They asked Sara and Russ his name…. and they decided to keep the name they had already given him. Russell James Eddy Jr. The three of us got to told him, to talk with him, to snuggle him, to love on him. I kept telling him over and over how much I loved him. This would be my only chance. I would never be able to give toys, or read stories or make memories. My only chance would be this….if my heart could physically break, it would have shattered.
Years ago, my mother told me that something happens to you when you see your first grandchild. Now I understand. My heart was tied to his in an instant. I have never felt anything like that. She told me about this special gift that grandchildren are…. I didn’t understand how it could be different than your own child, but now I totally understand. This sweet angelic child changed my entire life in one second.
I want to write more, but this is as far as I can get for right now as the wave of grief has hit me again and the tears will not be stopped….. I don’t know how we will get through all this…. this is going to be a process… forgive me, and if you can, please…. pray for us. His funeral is Tuesday….
I will write more when I can…
Chris