“Massage therapy? Me?? You want me to do what?! Oh, I don’t think so Dr. Jack!” That was my immediate response.
I really don’t mean to torture poor Dr. Jack….. I really really realllllllyyyyyy don’t, but I know I do. He tries so hard to suggest things that will help me and usually the first word out of my unfiltered lips? NO! Oh noooooo…. Uh, uh, not going, forget it! No way! I don’t even listen to his reasons because my gut reaction is NO.
This was no different. About ten years ago, I had back surgery to remove a benign tumor growing in my spine that was pushing on my spinal cord. Painful… dibilitating….I couldn’t feel my legs anymore, nor my feet… It was a two month recovery at home, plus an endless recovery to normal as sensations returned, they did so on fire. It was a difficult recovery on good days, and is true that when they mess around in there, some things are just never the same. And I struggled to get my life back. I walked and cried for weeks, but was determined I was taking my life back.
When I had my surgery, I was at my heaviest weight. So, recovery was a tough go. I did okay, and I pushed myself, although returning to both jobs was extremely painful. I have never walked the same, nor did I ever do any physical activity the same way, too afraid to hurt something. I have some dead zones along my scar which pretty much runs down my back. When I was at the hospital, a nurse told me that when I did too much I would feel it at my surgery site, which was right about where you hook your bra. And she wasn’t kidding. It was never ending. Too much of anything and that’s where I felt it.
Early on in our working together, I had complained of that pain, and Dr. Jack found me a great chiropractor near where I worked, Dr. Mark Sokolowski, and he has made a huge difference in my level of pain as well as improving my back. Sensations that seemed dead returned but when I do too much? That is where my back hurts and burns. Some days it still bothers me. One day as we were talking, Dr. Jack recommended I see a massage therapist that he works with in his office. Her name is Krissy Tantillo. He started to explain that between the chiropractor and massage, it would help immeasurably and my immediate unfiltering response was NO. Forget it!!! I do not, repeat, not like people, touching me, especially people I do not know. I wasn’t hearing a single word he said. There was just no way!
Now, the people who know me in reality, will be looking to see if I really wrote this, because I am such a huge hugger. Constantly hugging people, so what would my aversion be to people, touching me? But this is different. I am just picky about who touches me.
I thought he was asking the impossible. This was beyond him finding me a chiropractor, I mean at the chiropractor I am fully clothed. I couldn’t do this! There is no way can I ever do this!! But ….. as with all things, Dr. Jack is a patient teacher. He explained that if the scar tissue was broken up, added to the chiropractic work, things would be more comfortable. And…. I still said no…. I sent him a copy of the report from my surgery so he could see what was done, and he said nothing physical stood in my way, to which I said no still… but little by little reason screamed louder than fear, his words reverberating in my head, and then my answer was, “maybe” .. and finally finalllllyyyyyyyy I said I could try… to which he responded within seconds with the therapist’s name and phone number, who was expecting me to call.
Sigh….I couldn’t believe I was going to do this, muttering to myself as I pushed in the number, thinking, I seriously can’t believe the stuff this man gets me to do, because if he was anyone else? I would have stuck with the no… I don’t know how he knows the right moment to get me moving, or just the right phrase, but he always seems to, so I sighed and then I called and luckily got her voicemail. And then I panicked..
“Ummmm. Hi…. I uh.” I stumbled along.. ..I am a teacher, for crying out loud, I should not be stumbling over words like I have no idea what I am talking about.
”Ummm.., my name is Chris ummm… Chris O’Connell?? …. I ummmm…. uhh…. was recommended by Dr. Jack? Umm… have some uhhhh. scar tissue… ummm…. never been….don’t know anything… umm…. “ wow, right?
I made an appointment and drove past his office three times before I walked in the door asking myself what was I thinking??? I was met by Krissy and she was so nice. She led me back to a room that was dark and comfortable. She explained what to take off and what to leave on, and that when she walked in I would be covered. I kept mumbling to myself, to just walk out but I had come this far. I was nervous, embarrassed…. self conscious.
How did it go? And now, you might wonder who was predictably wrong in this story? Raising my hand and waving… yup, me! Totally! It was me.
It was hard for me to relax at first, to get past my embarrassment, to get out of my own head, but it got easier each moment. She explained everything to me as she did it. I was not worried about it being a little sore after or during. I came home from back surgery with a little Tylenol because I didn’t want to become addicted to anything. I could handle that part. She was so nice, explaining and talking to me. And the more she talked, the easier it got. She shared her stories and I shared mine and when the hour was done I couldn’t believe it went that fast. She kept checking in with me, if I was doing okay.
I settled in and could feel all the interesting sensations she explained. It kind of felt like inner bubble wrap with its little pops and sensations. Whatever she was doing, my muscles felt like they were relaxing, giving way, letting go of something. She explained that after we were done, I needed to drink a lot of water, as so many toxins are released. We made plans to come back each week for a few weeks and see how things went. I hugged her… I didn’t want to sound stupid so I just said thank you, How could she understand how totally nervous I was?
I left feeling good. Really good! Fear conquered and better for going. Believe me for a few days I could feel something had gone on in there, but by the third day, the most amazing thing happened! I could go to the YMCA and do my work without pain. I could walk to my third floor classroom with little discomfort. I felt like I could do the huge reach to my interactive whiteboard a lot more comfortably. I felt more relaxed in there, not that burning sensation all afternoon. I slept better! I moved easier. Whatever she was doing? It made a huge difference.
The next week, I had the chiropractor one day and Krissy the day after. Oh my gosh, that was a heavenly experience and I made mental note to schedule those things simultaneously again. This week, my bravery improved, and she worked on my neck and shoulders. My goodness I must store a ton of stress in there because it was a lot of work for her. And allll good for me! She really is a gifted therapist and I am so grateful to her for being willing to be patient with me. She does such a great job that I felt wonderful after each visit.
Dr. Jack texted me to ask how it went. Felt totally embarrassed telling him what he already knew. That it was an amazing experience, peace filled and pain releasing. And that, as always, he manages to always find the perfect person for me, one who suits my personality and makes me comfortable so that I get every benefit. I always promise myself that the next time, he suggests something, I will listen more and talk less. To listen and respond, YES.
I am especially grateful to Dr. Jack…I often think in working with me, he must enjoy challenges, even though I don’t intend to be. I am always amazed he hasn’t cut me loose, because what benefit is there to him? All of his effort is for my good. I do listen to his great advice, but sometimes, it takes a bit for my head to catch up to his, to reach my comfort zone, for my thinking to reach his. All I know is that he has never steered me in the wrong direction, and everything he has asked me to try has been a huge benefit to me. No matter how much I fought it, it was all truly good and I was wrong to fight that.
I do appreciate all of his willingness and patience to continue to help me, despite my challenges and to introduce me to new things that are so helpful in my health journey, And I am so eternally grateful for the people he has brought to my journey. Today? As my back is relaxed and comfortable? Especially for Krissy.