Happy Summer! I didn’t think I was ever going to get here. What a year! After last summer and all it brought, I jumped right into the school year.
Summer, for me, has always meant simply transitioning. Transitioning from one job to another. Every year it was the same, I would finish my teaching job on Friday, and on Saturday I would start what seemed like full-time summer hours at Walmart . It wasn’t easy. It always felt as though this summer was just filled. And then in September I would return to my job without any rest.
This is my first summer in over 10 years that I will not be working another full-time job. It doesn’t mean that I get to spend the summer idly. I actually have quite a number of tutoring students and plan on picking up a few more. But I’ve decided to structure things differently and get a few more days that are totally free.
After all one of the things I want to spend a lot time on is my granddaughter. Who wouldn’t want to spend time cuddling with this little cutie? Seriously, who can resist that face?
But in the midst of all of that, one of the biggest things that I need to spend time on is me. That’s pretty unfamiliar territory for me. “Me” has not been on the list for a longggggg time. That is pretty obvious physically and mentally. I gained back some weight without even trying! And mentally, I have felt pretty worn down.
Dr. Jack has been telling me forever….. stress…. stress has an impact on health…. was I doing lots wrong? Obviously! Too many late nights, not eating, skipping meals when I was starving and then eating late, up too late, dealing with job stresses…… all of it added up. And the thing is, I can’t ever seem to figure out how others just can dismiss all that!
If a kid in my class is not doing well? I think it’s my fault. If parents are displeased, my fault. If I get criticized, I take that all to heart…. must be my fault. And then I pour a ton of energy into trying to change it! Working working working only to realize that there are some things I can never change! I sat feeling badly over exam grades, feeling like a failure only to listen to kids later saying how no one studies for math anyway, ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh….. stress, stress, stress……..
Dr. Jack has been telling me that for a long time. I bet if I gave him a dollar for every time he reminded me about it, I could hand him enough money for a two week trip to Europe! I heard him, I just couldn’t seem to find a way to do it. I don’t k ow if I can! I have been this way for so long…. I am a fixer….. I am an empathetic person…. I collect everyone’s emotions and hold them as my own…. I don’t have good boundaries for those things and I am not sure how to learn them…… I tried..I really do try…. I try to take good care of me…. but then things that were more important found their way in. What was more important? Everything….
It took me almost the year to figure out why. And I haven’t even shared the answer with him yet.
Last week, graduation was done, the papers all graded, the students on their way, my tutoring kids all finished until summer….. Sara and Russ are happy, Joey is just wrapped into being an uncle, and all the grieving although still with us, especially the next two months, has it’s moments of joy. I watch his beautiful face hugging and kissing the bab6 and my heart is happy!
And so on my way home, I decided to stop for just five minutes near the Lake Erie shore, because I loveeeeeee to sit outside near the water. I have always loved to camp, be outside in the fresh air and sunshine, to be at peace.
I found a lovely spot, quiet, and I sat there and I was just enjoying it when all of a sudden, my eyes filled with tears….. it’s hard to explain but something inside just broke. Tears started coming from no where….. I had no idea why or how, but I quickly got myself to my car. The flood did not stop. I sat there thinking about the baby, thinking about Shannon. Could I have done more to help? What could I have done different? Was any of it my fault? How did I let myself get to here?
Finally, it all hit me… I spent the entire year not ever once giving myself a chance to grieve for those we lost. Oh I cried, but quickly told myself I had people, to take care of. Instead of taking time to care for me, I pushed that aside, I poured myself into making it better for everyone else. After all, I am a mom….. I am a teacher…. I could not freeze dry these people around me while I dealt inside myself.
So instead of giving myself permission to feel pain, I pushed it aside, and poured myself into always trying to fix it for everyone else, make it better, do my best work. I refused to allow myself even an hour to sit down and feel anything…… to just feel it.
Sigh…..
The tsunami of grief has passed….. and now I can see more clearly. I have let a lot of things about myself go in an effort to not feel anything. I go to the ymca six days a week, results? None. I eat really well, results? Have gone backward! Sleep? Umm… sure….. I try……. Why??
I have worked like a crazy lady! Seven days a week. Taken on too much! Far tooooooo much! Never stopped to enjoy much of life until Rachael was born, and not done anything to take care of myself. Not really…… and for what? What benefit did I get from it? Again sighhhhhhh…..
Life is all about change and it’s never too late to evolve yourself, never too late to change. So here I am, sitting on the porch steps, in the sunshine…… taking time to write this…. taking time to just breathe…. to take care of myself with the same kindness and love I give to everyone else. I may not be good at this, but it doesn’t mean I can’t learn how to! After all other people do it! Dr. Jack is one of the busiest people I know! If he can manage it, there must be ways I don’t understand …. yet!
Me…….I did a good job taking care of everyone around me. I really did. I give myself credit for that. But it’s high time I took as good care of ….. me.
I know I am not the only one…. so do a little something nice for YOU today! That will make me feel better if you do. I will feel like I helped someone else! Evolve….. if I can… you can!
Hugs,
Chris