Chris, I want you to really listen to what I am saying.
Dr. Jack and I have a phone meeting where we talk about lots of things, how the week went, how my symptoms are, questions I have and new ideas to explore. This week, we needed to talk about a situation that occurred.
I had been invited to a birthday party. I had pretty much avoided a lot of social situations, or made sure I brought my own food. But after awhile, you just want to see people you have not seen in a long time. So, at the last minute I was able to make the arrangements to go. It was on a busy day. My school had an open house and the party was in Rochester. I got home, tried to find casual clothes that actually fit, made a mental note that I need to seriously clean out my clothes, ate a quick snack, and ran for the door.
The party was fun and I didn’t touch the party food, which was pizza, wings and a beautiful birthday cake. It was at a restaurant, and I could have ordered a salad, or some grilled chicken but by the time I thought about it, it was late, and I never eat beyond six. I went home pretty hungry, something I have never done since I started and sat down to write my journal….. Oh golly, I seriously had not eaten enough that day.
When I was driving home, I was talking to my friend, Mark, who was at the party. He reminded me that I had not eaten and I gave my twenty reasons, or in truth, excuses why I didn’t. He told me that he doubted Dr. Jack would approve. He reminded me of the options I had and I knew I had made a poor choice but not really sure what I could have done differently.
He was right, as usual. So when I had my phone meeting, and I tried my twenty excuses, but Dr. Jack is a very smart man who saw right through that.
Bottom line boils down to two simple facts:
- It was easier for me to go hungry then to face the guilt I would feel from messing up.
- I am scared to death that if I mess up, my symptoms will return, a chance I was unwilling to take.
Now that the full hand of cards was face up on the table, Dr. Jack listened to everything I said, and then told me to listen very carefully to what he said. He explained to me that I have been working so hard to get my body healthy. And I have to trust that it is. I gave to trust and believe what he is telling me. We talked about the choices I had and what I could do in similar situations. He explained what he does in those circumstances. It was a comfort, since Dr. Jack actually lives the same way I do. He does not just tell you to do something, but walks the walk, too
What he said chewed at my head for days. I know that all my guilt comes from past experience. I know that my body has changed and that my head has not caught up yet. But, it’s very hard.
He made me promise, that in a similar situation, I have to just choose the best option and remember…. No Guilt. He reminded me that lack of eating is unhealthy and why. He said that one occasion of a small mistake is not going to bring back every symptom I just got cured of, and I just need to choose carefully. My body will regroup, and my weight loss will continue.
That might be the hardest lesson to learn, but I am working on it….No Guilt….No Guilt…..No Guilt..