Lent has always been a time in my life to give up something. I have been raised strict Catholic. I teach in Catholic school, and every year I give up something. I always laugh when people tell me they give up something for Lent for just weekdays and then Sunday does not count. My parents would have been flipping. When we gave up something, we gave it up, period.
Over the years, I have done traditional things like sweets, but often I went different routes. I gave up coffee a couple of times. I gave up meat a few times. But this year, my diet is so cleaned up, I wasn’t sure what to give up. I gave it a lot of thought, and really, the food I eat is so important to my body. Despite the fact that baby bok choy is my new favorite veggie, giving up a great vegetable does not seem much of a sacrifice to me. So I decided to do two things. One is that I would try to do a few more meatless days. Keep my focus on good vegetable dishes and eggs, and steer clear of any meat. I don’t know why Lent does not feel like Lent unless giving up some food thing is not involved.
But I also decided that for the season of Lent, I am giving up all the baggage I am carrying around. If you really knew me, you would know that there is a lot. It looks like I am going on a voyage around the world, I am carrying so much stuff! Most of it is way too personal to talk about.
Everyone has their baggage. Maybe it is past experiences, past relationships, things you wish you had done, things you wish you had never done. Everyone has regrets. I am no different, but I have a really bad habit of carrying around guilt. Over active conscience…. a huge problem I have had for years.
“Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.”
What I have found during my journey of health and healing, is that all of that weighs you down more than weight. It has a way of eating at your soul, and the monster rears his ugly head at the most inopportune times. Something happens and you suddenly find that you are beating up on yourself over things that happened previously, like years and years ago. I am notorious for that. You made a little mistake with anything, and suddenly, you are beating yourself up over something that is totally unrelated and happened years ago. What good is that ever going to do?
The world is not punishing me. I am punishing me, for things that were simply learning experiences. And that really isn’t fair. When I think about what I am as a person, I never hold things against anyone. I forgive and I try to forget, and when I can’t forget, I still forgive them because to hold grudges only hurts yourself. You spend way too much energy focused on it, rather than moving forward. So why do I hold onto these grudges against myself? And what do they do except eat away at me? They produce stress hormones and that hinders weight loss. It adds in additional unneeded stress.
And then there are the negative people, who suck every ounce of energy out of us. We expend so much energy trying to make them positive or trying to make them feel better, that there is no energy left for us. I am always sympathetic to people and I have a big heart. It is my greatest gift and it is also my curse. I like helping people, I enjoy helping others wherever I can.
However, at times, I realize that there are people who are negative all the time and I have quickly become so engrossed in trying to convince them that they should be happy, that all I do is use up all my energy. At the end of the conversation, they have not changed, nor has their attitude but what has changed is I am worn out. I end up leaving nothing for myself. It is so easy to be drawn into that game.
I decided, I still need to be a good listener and to actively try to be kind and help if I can. I wouldn’t sleep at night if I didn’t. But I also have to learn that there has to be line that I draw. When I feel like, my energy level is going down trying so hard to help them, I have to draw back a bit and keep some for myself. I need to learn the difference between helping and enabling. And, I especially need to know when I simply cannot help someone who is unwilling to help themselves. That is a hard lesson for me, a lot harder than not eating meat a few times.
So for Lent this year… I am giving up all that up. It isn’t going to be easy, but it all has to go. By doing some internal spring cleaning, I am making room inside for new experiences, new memories, new people, new ME. I have never made much time for me, and it is about time I did. What am I waiting for??? It will probably be a lot harder than giving up things like coffee, or treats, but I am up for the challenge…. because I am a lot stronger now.