Of all the work I have done the last five months, the hardest part has not been what to eat, nor what to give up. Some of the give ups were a challenge, but nothing was as challenging as the hard work that has been between my ears. And although Dr. Jack has been encouraging, offering loads of explanations, instructive and mainly compassionate, there is a road inside my head that I have to travel alone. He can’t come with me, it is my mental homework. No one can help me. They can cheer me on from outside. They can offer words and ideas, but ultimately, I have to walk it alone. And I either care enough about myself to take care of it, or I don’t. If I don’t, I set myself up for failure, and if I do, then success and staying on course becomes easier.
For me, a lot of it boiled down to food. Food and I have had a very difficult relationship for many years. It was a love hate kind of thing. I like food. I grew up Italian and Hungarian, we ate really well. I enjoy certain tastes and textures just like everyone. And although most people would look at me and think that I ate poorly because of my size, they would, for the most part be wrong. I actually ate a pretty healthy diet, very low in calories and I tried really hard to avoid sweets. Well, at least I thought I was doing pretty well, until Dr. Jack got me straightened out about a lot that I believed was healthy, but for me it wasn’t. There is a lot out in the world labeled as healthy but for me actually was the opposite. That wasn’t the hard part though.
The hardest part of all of this was actually straightening up what goes on inside my head. Of all the things Dr. Jack has cured, that might be the hardest cure, but he has made more of an impact than he can ever imagine. I have made a ton of progress with his assistance, but I am not finished yet. Getting there, a far ways down the road, but a bit to go. And it’s funny but the longer I do this, the more I realize that it is getting easier, and in talking to so many people I find that I am not the only walking this path. A lot of people are, inside their minds, too, but their path is a little different. For each person, it’s a question of straightening out yourself, and that isn’t easy. There is no manual for that. We are all products of the complete lives we have lead. We are the sum total of all of our experiences, and so the path to healing is not the same for everyone.
I have stumbled on this road, a lot. One of the biggest hurdles to climb?? Stop using food as a reward and stop using it as a punishment. So pre Dr. Jack… I might have eaten something that I really enjoyed. It wasn’t always something even really bad. I used to love those fruit Popsicles. Yummy….. Would eat two instead of one on hot days. Or we might go for Friday Fish Fry and I would eat half and bring half home. Or maybe I made the kids a big dish of homemade ravioli and enjoy a few. And as soon as I was done, the head game started. It was an uncontrollable urge that swept right over me. “Tomorrow, you are going to gain five pounds. Who do you blame for that! You know it’s not good for you but the taste was too good to walk away from. You have no one to blame but yourself.” It is terrible really. The way we beat ourselves up for being human?
Then the next day would come, and I would starve for three days, and again with the mind games. “So you are starving. Whose fault is that? You knew you shouldn’t have eaten.” I would gain five pounds staring at a dessert, not eating my just staring. And then I would deprive myself of it because I was somehow a bad person for having eaten it. And of course, you can’t keep starving so you reach in the fridge for something and then the beat up from the day before begins again, “You have no self control at all. No wonder you are this size.” The cycle was endless.
So for the last five months, I told myself, that if I was going on this journey, by God, I was going to make the absolute most of it. I was going to get out of this poor doctor every bit of information and knowledge I could. I found ways to stop myself from beating on myself. I ate what I was supposed to eat. If I felt “full,” as soon as the beat part started I diverted my attention and talked myself down from the ledge of self abuse. “You ate according to the plan. No matter the results, you followed the guidelines. No feeling badly.” And then I learned a great Dr. Jack phrase that has served me well. “No guilt…. no guilt….. no guilt…” The road has been difficult, but I have found it easier now. I no longer eat and even think about those things. I just….. eat. It has taken off a huge level of stress. Food is good….It is something everyone needs. There is nothing good or bad about it. It’s just food.
Last week, someone asked me when I was going to reward myself with something wonderful to eat. The remark had the most interesting effect on me. It made the hairs on my neck stand up. I was surprised by that. I wondered why I had that reaction, but then it occurred to me, how far down the road I am. I have done a lot of work inside here about that. I decided when I started with Dr. Jack, that I would follow his program exactly. If it didn’t work or the cycle of no losing started, then I would let him sort it out. One thing I know for sure?? I am never, ever returning to the food as a reward or punishment phase again. Never.. Never….. neverrrrrrrrrrrrr……… I have walked too far to go back.
People tell me all the time, how can you not reward yourself with something delicious sometimes. Reward?? With food? No way!
Food is just…. Food! I have worked so hard to change that inside my head. It’s just food! I use it to make my body function. I use it to build me up, to provide my cells with needed materials, but it’s not a reward. For me? The reward is that my body finally feels like I did before Hashimoto’s. I feel great. And I realize that I got this way by eating! I got here by eating things that were actually good for me, that taste yummy, that I enjoy. That is the reward.
And Never!! Ever! Will I go back to punishing myself if I fall down. What have my cells ever done to me, but take care of me? So if I mess up, is it fair to deprive them of needed nutrients? And still expect them to take care of me? How unfair would that be. The fact is that I spent a ton of years punishing myself, emotionally beating myself for my body’s inability to lose despite valiant efforts. It wasn’t my fault and it wasn’t my body’s fault. How fair was that?
I have already accepted in my head that a day will come when I enjoy some delicious dish that is not part of my program. And when that day comes, I will enjoy it. I will enjoy it immensely. I will savor every bite and it will be my choice to eat it or my choice to walk away. But I won’t go crazy over it. I won’t eat tons of it; I will eat it and be thankful that I can have it again without tons of side effects. And the one thing I won’t do? I will not look at it as reward nor punish myself after. Never ever… everrrrrrrrr again. That game is way too dangerous and once started is completely addicting, and very difficult to break.
I know in my own mind, the quickest route for failure, for me? It begins the day I start rewarding and punishing myself with food. I know my head will go right back down that ugly path it came from and the addiction will begin all over again. Is it worth it to me?? What is my worth???
After all……….It really is just……food.