There are things that other people say to me, and it has an immediate effect. It goes straight to my heart with no stopping anywhere else. I have a physical reaction to it. My heart skips a beat, I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. I can feel tears pinching at my eyes, and I try to look away to control the emotion. It does not happen often, but sometimes it is the littlest thing that catches me off guard. It is always some small thing said to me that just touches my heart on the deepest level. Sometimes it is bad, but most times it is good, and I have stopped trying to control it. I just try to enjoy it when it is good. Monday? It was all good.
This week, Dr. Jack had a seminar for prospective patients. He asked me if I wanted to come and talk about my story. That is not always the most comfortable thing for me, but it has gotten easier. I am a teacher. Stand me in a room of teens and I am golden, parents, no problem. Stand me in front of strangers and talk about how I got to Dr. Jack? Not so much comfort… Monday was going to be a breeze because several good friends were there and just looking at them made me feel like I was at home.
I looked through my closet and found a new shirt that actually fit, and got ready to go. I put on my way too big jacket and headed for the door. I walked in, and Dr. Jack came over to hug me, as always. I love seeing him in person. We talk ALL the time on the computer, or weekly meetings, but I have always been someone who once in a while, likes to look at someone’s face when I talk to them. I guess that is because I judge a lot about people when I am looking at their eyes when they are talking.
I took off my coat, and went to sit down. I think forever I will remember this….. FOREVER…
Dr. Jack came over, sat down, leaned forward and put his hands together. He looked me in the eyes and all he said was, “Look at you.” And there it was….
I kept thinking that I could see from his eyes how pleased he was with what work we have done together. I broke out in a HUGE smile and then looked away. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach, my heart jumped. I was sooooooo PROUD of that. I was happy that he could see that all of his time, effort and the education he has given me was not wasted on me. That gave me such a huge sense of pride. It’s been a long time since I felt that great inside.
Watching his eyes, I smiled, but I looked away because the tears were coming to my eyes, and so I bit inside my mouth hard to keep me from looking like a big dork, wiping tears, in this room of people.
I didn’t know all of them, and they don’t know my story, so how could they EVER understand my tears? How can they know the nasty, bumpy road that got me here?? So many times, doctors and health professionals, have looked at me with disappointment. I know the look. They gave me diets and then blamed me that they didn’t work. They gave me suggestions that I followed through on but had nothing to show for it, so no one believes.
Dr. Jack has never looked at me like that. And even though he is a great doctor, he cannot look at me and really ever understand the level of emotional pain that I felt at always being labeled, “Failure….. hopeless…liar…..no willpower,” and a list of a hundred terms that go with it.
It was just three simple words, “Look at you.” But his eyes filled with sincerity, mixed with those words brought a gift that was immediate. It was the biggest gift….something no one else could give me… One that only the doctor could deliver…..APPROVAL…. Recognition for hard work….. accomplishment…… He had always reminded me that we are a team, and I got the biggest sense of satisfaction knowing that this member of the team did not let her teammate down. I am not at the finish line, but I am still going strong, thanks to him.
I always want him to know that the time he spends on me is not wasted. I just needed someone to believe me, to believe IN me, and to explain what I was doing wrong. Dr. Jack will never understand that those little words did more for my self esteem Monday night than an encyclopedia of other thoughts.
Thanks Dr. Jack… what inadequate words…… that small gesture took away so much more pain than you could ever realize. That was a great gift, one I will cherish for a long long time.