Part 1… You want me to do what??? Are you kidding????

I love Dr. Jack, if you have been reading here for awhile you know that.  I love him!    TRULY!    And I trust him.   People think I am open to everyone but trust is hard for me, so to completely trust him was a big step.   Everything he has ever asked me to do, I have done without question.  I listened to his reasons and just did it.   When we email, or talk, he makes suggestions and I listen.  I try to follow what he is telling me to do.   And it sounds like it has gone all smoothly, doesn’t it?   Well, that was until a few weeks ago.  On that day,  poor Dr. Jack hit a nerve that I have apologized over for a ton of times already and yet still feel guilty about it.

Sharing this is not easy for me.   But part of my goal with my blog is healing myself, so I am being honest.  Maybe it will help you with your struggle.  Maybe you will know that the insecurities you face, well, I am right there with you!  It is a detailed story so I am telling it in parts.

Dr. Jack and I were talking on the phone about my progress,  and he told me that he thought that since I had lost seventy pounds, now would be a good time to think about getting a trainer. (Know what’s interesting?  My hands were just shaking so much, I had to write that word about five times before I got it right!)  As many times as I might have enjoyed talking to his face,  I was grateful he wasn’t sitting across from me that day.

I got flushed, beads of sweat appeared on my face.   My hands clenched, palms sweating and I sat there speechless.   He said some things that I only heard half of…. muscles getting built….. losing more fat….   next part of this process….. I don’t know.. All I heard was, “trainer.”   And, that is a scary word to me on a lot of levels.   Trainer plants ideas in my head,  someone yelling at me that I am not pushing hard enough, room of people doing coordinated movements while I flounder,  me standing out of the crowd…. I could go on for an hour.

I managed to squeak out, “Okay,”  and then I got off the phone and started hyperventilating.  I can’t do trainer…. I can’t do exercise class… I can’t do gym….I am the last kid picked for a team, can’t he see that?   Even I don’t want me on a team…… I can’t do this…. I don’t think I can ever do this….. Can’t…. can’t…. can’t…..   He had no idea of the chain of events that got set off in my head.

The minute he said it, I should have been honest with him. In my heart I knew that.  I knew I should have been.   I wish I had.  But I was embarrassed, humiliated and I just couldn’t do it.   Why not?   I didn’t want him to know.  I didn’t want ANYONE to know.   I couldn’t have anyone know.  I just couldn’t…..

Last summer, when I was in the bad place of all of this, before I found Dr. Jack, it was the summer of just one humiliating thing after the other.  It was after the nutritionist called me a liar and a failure.   I had been trying so hard to lose weight, so hard.   I thought I would try some exercise to help things along.   So I called an area facility and asked for a pass for a couple of classes, to try things out.

I was seventy pounds heavier….it was going to be hard, but I wanted to try.    Well, anyway, I thought I would try a beginner yoga class.   I arrived, the room was full.   The instructor was very nice.   I couldn’t find a spot in the back so I ended up in the middle of the pack but off to the side.   I started, but they are all familiar with the routine, and I am the new girl, and I couldn’t keep up.  (I am terribly uncoordinated.  I get hurt walking and chewing gum!  I have bruises everywhere from walking into furniture.  I fall UP the stairs.)

So I stepped out,  off to the side while tears were coming to my eyes.  Behind me a couple of mean girls from high school, who grew up to be mean women started laughing.  I looked back, and one pointed at me, “No matter how bad we think we are, no one is as bad as THAT.   What’s she even doing here?  I have to make sure to stand in front of her so I can see around her next time.”   I wish I could say that was all they said, but it wasn’t.  I was beyond mortified.

There wasn’t a next time for that class. ..   There would never be a next time.   I left in tears and humiliated.   But being the stubborn person I am, I thought I would go back and try something else.   Equally unsuccessful, told I should seek out someone who deals with bariatric patients, humiliated, belittled and left in tears again.   I got in my car, and I drove home, very very very angry.   I had a huge temper tantrum in my kitchen, yelling at people who aren’t there.   I told myself that I was NEVER going to do anything like that again.   NEVER would I step foot in an exercise class, never again would I be humiliated like that.   I wanted to tell people, but I felt so badly about myself that I just kept quiet, a bad coping mechanism I have had for far too long.

So, there was poor unsuspecting Dr. Jack who makes an innocent comment about thinking about getting a trainer, and all of that comes flying back into my head.   He had no way of knowing….. but unfortunately, he was the nearest target and my insecurities came flying at lightning speeds….

Part 2    Part 3    Part 4 of this story