I sat at my desk thinking. “It’s just a phone call. You are calling for information. You aren’t committing to anything, just asking for information.” I tried very hard to convince myself. And finally I picked up the phone thinking, “I can’t believe I am doing this!!! I am NUTS!”
The other end of the phone was held by a very sweet, gentle woman talking to me. Yes, Dr. Jack had told her I would call. She seemed to be expecting me. How predictable I have become to Dr. Jack. Wow……. She was so sweet and I? Guarded. I explained to her about my back surgery, about how nervous I was about all this. I started talking in circles, a nervous habit and I forced myself to slow down.
I could see why Dr. Jack thought we would be perfect together though because she had this calm about her, and I was a nervous ball of energy, talking about ten thousand miles a minute. I was glad she couldn’t see me drawing boxes everywhere on paper, a sure sign that I was feeling boxed in. I kept telling her about my clumsiness and that I have a lot of drive but I can’t do things other people can. I don’t want to take a class and look like an idiot. I don’t want to stand out as the clumsy one in the group.
I started telling her a story about when I had my back surgery. The therapist came in and told me I needed to learn to walk to the bathroom with a walker to go home. I tried but was frustrated by her push and trying to motivate me basically in not a very nice way. I asked her to leave. When the surgeon came in, he berated me a bit and said in order to go home, I had to master this skill. I shrugged at him, got up and walked to the bathroom and back. He asked what the problem was. I explained that what she needed to do was give me direction and let me work at my own pace. By one week after my surgery, I walked unassisted to the bathroom and managed to walk my hall at home many times a day.
Nancy listened, just as Dr. Jack would. I could see how the two of them were somewhat similar in personality. She was patient and kind. She told me that she already learned a lot about me and that she believed we could work together. I was………….. skeptical. I listened to what she offered but the second she said, “class,” my anxiety kicked in.
She sensed that and moved back to the phrase, “private lessons.” I told her I could commit to the evaluation and two private lessons. That was as far as I could go at that minute. We made an appointment. The next few days were not easy, but what I tried to do was desensitize myself to the situation. I watched videos on Pilates. I read about Pilates on the internet. I watched videos of larger people exercising to get my head wrapped around the idea. I had about five days to get used to it.
The next day, I was feeling badly about what happened. So I called Nancy back to apologize. I talked more easily this time and just explained my prior exercise nightmare. She was again, very sweet and we talked a bit. The conversation was easier this time and I explained my situation to her more in depth. After all, I couldn’t expect her to help me if I didn’t, right?
The day finally came. Dr. Jack had sent me a note. He said that he was going to come WITH me, to be there with me. Tears came to me again. I told him I was okay, and he didn’t need to do that, but I copied the note and tucked it in my pocket. It kind of made me feel like he was right next to me the whole day. To be truthful, I wished he was coming, but then I thought, “No, you have to do this yourself.”
I got home from school, got cleaned up, changed into something comfortable that fit and stood at my door. The conversation went a lot like: “Okay, we are this far, just get in the car. GET IN THE CAR!!!! You can do this, just get in the car!!!!! Okay, we are in the car, now drive to the thruway. I can’t believe I am doing this. This is the dumbest thing I have ever DONE!!!! We are on the thruway, you can’t turn around now. Why am I doing this?? I am going to look like a dope doing this. I can see me trying something and she will think I have never done anything physical when I am moving BIG stuff all night long at the store. You are on the street, you can’t turn around now, you have to keep going!!! But I want to turn around. Well you can’t now. I CAN’T DO THIS!!! Your hand is on the door knob, she can see you, how will you look turning around now???? Why didn’t I ask Dr. Jack to come with me for ten minutes??? Because you don’t want him thinking you are a dolt. JUST WALK IN THE DOOR AND BREATHEEEEEE.”
Sigh…………… and I was in the door. Nancy, it turned out immediately, found herself a spot in my heart. She is a tall pretty dancer. But what I loved about her was her calm demeanor and soft voice. I looked at her face and immediately liked her. But I was nervous. I filled out her paper work and the little monster in my head was still screaming, “Run.” She had a calming effect on me though. I wasn’t sure if it was her voice or her mannerisms, but I just liked her! I felt comfortable with her. I thought I hope this poor girl knows what she is signing up for.
She walked around the room and explained things to me. And then we started the evaluation. Nancy is very patient and the thing I liked the best about her was how she explained everything to me, and I mean EVERYTHING. I loved it!! She told me what she was looking for as we did certain things. And then came the weirdest part of the whole thing.
I actually was able to do the things she asked me to. I couldn’t believe I COULD do those things. I put my hand in my pocket and felt my Dr. Jack note. She stopped and sat on the floor with me. “You know, a lot of people can’t do some of the things you have just showed me you can do.” The tears came. She jumped up to get me a tissue. I told her that I think my head still sees the old me and all its limitations. She hugged me. Me, the world’s biggest hugger…. found her hugging kind of teacher. She told me that she would never yell or push hard. This was a process and we would work together.
Nancy taught me some breathing techniques and the more she taught, the calmer I got. The breathing brought its own sense of calm and the thing I liked about everything she did? I felt like I was in control of the situation. It was like Dr. Jack’s program, and then I realized how well he knew me to send me to this teacher.
When the hour was up, I couldn’t believe that it was! She told me that she would make some notes for me to work on things at home. While she was going to do that, she told me to walk around the room and then she said it…..
“I want you to know that you are safe here, Chris. This is a safe place for you.”
I turned around looked at her face, wrapped my arms around her and I cried. I don’t think she realized what a gift that was to me. Yes, I did feel safe there. Completely peaceful and safe. Dr. Jack was right….. and I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO wrong…..
She told me that she liked working with me, and that Dr. Jack had called that one correctly. I got ready to go, we set up a couple of appointments, I had my exercises in my hand, and hugged her again, and got in my car.
I had to talk to him….. I just had to. I felt so badly about what a fuss I had made about this. I hoped that I had not done anything to ruin our good relationship. I felt like the world’s biggest idiot….