Temptation…..

Dr. Jack:   Hi Chris, how are you?

Me:  I am good, how are you?

Dr. Jack:  You’re good?  Not great?  Are you sure you’re good?  You don’t sound good.  What’s wrong?

Sigh….. It is amazing how well someone gets to know you, isn’t it?    I told Dr. Jack I was okay but a little disappointed in myself.    It had been a rough day.   When you teach kids, some days are better than others.  Tuesday?  Was not my best day.  And my reaction to the day was not good either.   I thought I was past emotional eating.  I thought I had conquered that.  I thought after six months of improving things that it was a thing of the past.

The story goes that there was  cake on our lunchroom table.  It had been brought for us by a man doing a presentation on Monday.   It was a pretty cake, decorated very nicely, from a well known nicer bakery,  and was on the table for all to share.   Normally, there are cookies or goodies on our table.  That cake could have been there any time and I would not have thought about it.   That is not a rarity when you teach school.  All kinds of leftover food ends up on the table.   Since I started with Dr. Jack, avoiding or ignoring all of that has gotten easier for me.  I can walk in and see it, and have my lunch without so much as a thought.  I don’t even notice it anymore.  Heck, there is a chocolate rabbit on my kitchen counter that’s been there for weeks and I don’t even really see it.

But Tuesday was a bad day, and I wanted the cake.   The conversation in my head was a battle ground between the side that wanted it and the side that was screaming at me that I have worked too hard for too long to blow it all on a piece of cake that didn’t even look like much of anything great.  After all, it wasn’t like it was my favorite flavor, or some special kind that I absolutely love. It isn’t like I couldn’t have it any time I really wanted to, because I could.  The fact was that I don’t even want it anymore!!!!    It was just…. cake.   The battle continued because I wanted it but I really didn’t want it.

I kept thinking about that cake all afternoon.  And I kept beating myself up thinking, “How ridiculous is this???  I ate a nice lunch, I am FULL.  Why am I still thinking about that dumb cake?”     I got ready to leave and I told myself, that I needed to understand this is just a reaction to a bad day.  I have had bad days in the last six months, why now would I ever want it?  That didn’t make sense and yet the thought would not go away.   I knew it was just an issue of trying to fill myself up with something.   But that wouldn’t stop the thought process.   I thought about all the classroom parties I didn’t even flinch.  I lived through Halloween candy, Thanksgiving pies, Christmas!!  New Year’s!!!  Easter!!! Birthdays!!!  Parties!!!   Why NOW????

When I got home, I told myself I was going to follow my usual routine for the day. I needed to get out of this funk.   I was going to get some water, do my Pilates homework, and then get dinner ready.  If the thought was still there, I was going to go to my food list and look from something that says to eat it sparingly and I would have that.  That That was still not the best course of action, but it would take away the “cake.”  After all, this wasn’t about the dumb cake…. this was about I had a bad day and I was trying to just medicate myself….. WITH CAKE!!!

I did my Pilates and decided when I was done that I had not used up enough energy yet so I went on for a second round.   Then I made myself dinner, some great grilled salmon, and some yummy vegetables. It was a delicious dinner, and I was full, had some water and my supplements.  I decided to just sit and think things through.   I think the hardest part for me was the guilt.   I had not even eaten the cake, but I thought I was past the emotional eating issue.  I was feeling guilty when not a crumb had touched my lips.

Dr. Jack called me for our meeting.  I tried to be cheerful but he is a smart man, and we know each other pretty well now.  He sees right through me.   I told him what happened and as always, he is the most patient listener while I dump every piece of the story at his feet.   Then he took a minute and  explained very gently to me, that this emotional eating demon may always be with me.  He was proud of me for how I handled it,  diverting my attention off it, coming up with a good alternative and trying to sub in another activity.  I still felt bad about it.   But the more he talked, the easier it got.   He reminds me all the time, I have followed all the directions to the letter of the law, and I have no reason to feel guilty about anything, least of all that actually I didn’t eat the cake, I just had focused on it too much.

I felt better when he was done and  I learned something too.    Getting rid of those demons may never happen.  So I have to keep building my bag of tricks that helps me get myself out of the mental situation.  I was just upset.  after all it wasn’t like it was some kind I enjoy.   I was upset with myself  because my only thing was that I simply wanted it.  It wouldn’t have mattered if it was a kind I hated at that moment.  I just wanted it.

Sometimes I forget that I am human, and have had habits for a long time that are not easy to break.  I have made tons of progress so far, and resisted a lot.  I just have to keep focused on the positive side of what I am going, accept that I am not perfect,  and that this is a journey to getting better.   Thankfully I didn’t eat it, because I don’t want to handle that guilt right now.   All I know is that  no matter what I need to remember something……….. be as kind, understanding and compassionate to myself as I am to other people.