No, don’t worry… I didn’t go crazy or anything, it was just that last week, I finally found it. The emotional eating trigger, the big one. Not those little itty bitty ones that say, “Oh look, cookies! I love cookies!” No, not that one, I am talking the biggggggggg one! The nasty ugly dragon with his big horns and breath of fire screaming at me to just forget the hard work and eat something enormous and bad for me! And now that I have identified the enemy, I just have to keep working on getting rid of it, or at least figuring out how to keep it at a distance.
Many people are emotional eaters. I know I am. I knew that long before I met Dr. Jack. We talked about it many times and he told me, it may be something I deal with for a long time. When my life gets awful, I start getting hungry, when it’s stressful, I get hungry. When I am over tired, I get hungry. Those are everyday baby triggers. But, last week I figured out what my arch nemesis is. It’s way too personal to get into, but I found it. I had an experience, and it set of this chain reaction inside that was like one of those dominoe mazes where you hit one and they all start falling. All of a sudden, the massive monster had reared his ugly head. There he was, in my face yelling. He was screaming at me to eat bad things, lots and lots and lots and lots of bad things!
So how do you know when you found the BIG one? Well, here is what I figured out. The big one is where all of a sudden, you want it all!! And I mean allllllllll…. You can see yourself sitting down and eating HUGE. The urge seems to have a mind of its own. You get exhausted trying to fight it down, keep it at bay. You want big!! You want super sized and even that won’t be enough because you want it all! Every single evil food that you can think of and you want it all at once. Not the same as binge eating, because I never would do that, I would end up sick really fast but you want a piece of pizza, then a cookie, maybe some chips, more like a little of an endless list.
No matter where you turn its there! It’s calling to you…, it’s speaking in loud frantic voices… Screaming!! We are starving, you have eat something. No, not salad!! Like pizza!! And cookies and ice cream. We want big! We want it all!! You know in your logic brain, you neither want it or need it but the emotional eater is screaming louder, that you absolutely have to have it. You can’t live without it. It’s need is greater than any other need.
That was me last week. I know at times of stress and upset I want bad things. But I am able to control it by just patterning out my day. No, I am not eating that, lunch is in a little bit, I will be full then. Or I change activities, drink some water, keep going.
However, last week?? I had a thing happen and all of a sudden, there he was looking down at me, larger than I could ever fight. The enormous ugly monster made his presence known and he was not backing down. He was yelling that we wanted big, like order a pizza. Like we need a huge meal. Don’t even bother trying to eat a few vegetables, I am not letting this go! I kept telling him no, but he was not going to give up. Oh, it was a huge inner battle.
I got through it, with a lot of things. I started with my “go to” list…..changing activities, brushing my teeth, reading for awhile, getting in my car and getting out of the food spot, taking a walk, swimming a long time. That wasn’t enough, so I moved on. I got through more by watching videos of Dr. Jack talking about supplements, anything to keep his voice in my head, reminding me of how far we have come. I read emails that he wrote to me, that talked about how proud he is of our team effort, I read over my blogs that I wrote early on. And admittedly, maybe I dropped a few tears of frustration.
The big nasty monster was not going down without a fight but he finally quieted down. He went slowly, and we kept fighting. It came in waves. I was okay for five minutes but then he was there… Okay for ten minutes, then he was back…..He retreated, finally. And then I took the next day to think about what happened that brought him out, and to formulate a plan to not see him for a longggggggggggggg time….. Was it easy?! Are you kidding?? Absolutely not easy.
In thinking it all through I realized that unfortunately, a part of him will always be with me. I would like him gone and I can keep trying to make him get smaller but I think we are not done fighting. What is important though is now I recognize him. I know exactly where he came from, exactly what got him all agitated, how I went from a simple hunger to him, and I know that unlike the past, I can beat him back down.
Emotional eating is soooooooo difficult to get past. You have to admit that you are an emotional eater. And, you have to figure out what triggers it. In the midst, you have to have a plan and you do whatever you have to to keep it at bay. It’s not impossible, it needs work just like everything else. I am determined to free myself from its hold. I know I can do it and so can you!!