Be nice!! You should never call anyone names. Is that a nice thing to do?? Would you want someone doing that to you?? Don’t I sound like your mom?
Well, that great lesson that our moms and dads taught us is still true. The problem isn’t that most of us call other people names, it’s that we use names against ourselves. We are unkind, uncaring, and downright mean, to ourselves. So where is that coming from today?
I was on Facebook today, reading updates, and posts. As a side note, I love Facebook! I get to keep so many people that I might lose otherwise, busy friends and family, students I taught, great coworkers who moved onto other jobs. And when I look at my list of collected friends, I am really proud of it! I have great friends and they are all so different! And that makes my life richer!
So, today, I was reading people’s posts and I read like six in a row of the same theme….
Person 1: I hate myself!! I am a fat ugly slob. Why didn’t I stay in shape since high school! I let myself do and now I am stuck with this.
Person 2: Ughhhhhhh…. I am a terrible mother! I have no business having kids. My house is a mess and I just am frazzled. The kids are fighting and I just want to scream at them…
Person 3: I am the worst friend ever. They needed me and I was just too busy!!
Person 4: My husband/boyfriend just dumped me and it’s my fault. If I had just not been so ….. If I was just different he would have been happy.
Person 5: I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror. I hate the way I look. There is nothing about me that is even the least bit attractive. Why bother…
sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Now let’s be honest, I am no one to be talking about this, because heaven knows I have been plenty guilty of it for a ton of my life, and I am not proud of that. I can remember that as young as eight years old, I thought of myself as fat and ugly. How sad is that?? A neighborhood kid called me that and it stuck. I carried it like a badge.
I had never realized how bad it was until one day, my friend, Mark, pointed it out to me. I said something about it being dark and gloomy out and he said, “Well, that’s your fault.” I said, “What are you talking about? It’s not my fault! What control do I have over the weather?” His response, “You blame yourself for everything, even if has nothing to do with you. You are constantly apologizing for everything. And then you go off on how you are not good enough and how other people treat you, is somehow your own fault, that it’s not them, it must be because you weren’t enough.”
Wow……..I remember how that hit me…..square between the eyes. It really stung and I knew I needed to change it. I tried to get better about it. When I started working with Dr. Jack, he pointed it out to me, too, so obviously I needed to keep working on it. One day, I said I was a complete klutz, totally lacking any grace or coordination. He told me, “You know you have to stop saying that. It really is all in your head, you know.” And then there was Rob, my life coach, “The universe is hearing you say that and it will believe you, so stop.”
I have worked hard at stopping, and you should too. It really is an awful habit. We are all hard on ourselves. We have these superhuman expectations that we would never place on anyone else. We demand that our body, heart, mind and soul can handle so much more than is possible and then, when we fall short of the mark, we start with the inner name calling.
A long time ago, Mark called me a bully. I was shocked! I have never bullied anyone. But he pointed out to me, that I am a bully to someone: ME. We are quick aren’t we? To call names to ourselves that we never would to another human being because we don’t want to hurt them. Well, you hurt yourself when you do that, not thinking anything of it, and what good will come of that?? The world is filled with people ready to knock us down to size, but we don’t have to look far, because we do it to ourselves.
Be kind!! Be kind to yourself.
So to the above mentioned Facebook friends.
Person 1: We are not teens any more and so you don’t have the body of a teen, oh well! Every body is beautiful!! You don’t have a lot of time with all you work to do for yourself. So pick two things, make one good meal for yourself a day and take ten minutes to do just a little exercise to make yourself feel better. And try to build on it. And stop calling yourself ugly! I think your face is beautiful and expressive!! Clean your mirror!! You can’t be looking at the same person I see!
Person 2: Kids will drive you crazy! Ask me, I am a teacher. Impatient doesn’t make you a bad mother, it just means worn out. You have to find a little you time! You are a great mom! Overly clean houses are overrated…. Besides, when they are big….sigh….. What I wouldn’t give for another day of matchbox cities I tripped over, of sticky hands to kiss, of Popsicle faces to wash, of water all over the bathroom from silly tub time, of soaking later in a tub with a million boats and rubber ducks, of stories, of silly songs……..
Person 3: We can’t always be all things to all people. Some days, we can barely take care of ourselves. You cared, that means something, too. That’s not a bad friend, that’s a busy friend! Stop beating yourself up.
Person 4: You can’t make someone else happy and you aren’t in charge of that. All you can do is give love. If your husband/boyfriend doesn’t recognize the gift you are, that’s their problem. But stop thinking that somehow you have to do this magic thing for them to love you. There’s nothing wrong with you!! You are perfect as is!! We all have things to work on, but a relationship is a two way street. You have to give and get, not just always give. And if you gave it all you had, and you know you did,and I know you did, not shame on them for not doing the same!
Person 5: Are you kidding? What the heck are you looking at? Real beauty comes from inside, and I see yours all the time shining through your eyes! How did you miss it?? What do you hate you so much? Change something, hairstyle? Makeup? But stopppppp hating yourself! You are such a beautiful person! Filled with life and fun and people love being with you. I hate reading that! I love you so much and it hurts me to hear you say that about yourself.
And to all…… Let’s stop the name calling. Let’s all follow that great parental advice they drilled into our heads…… practice kindness…. To everyone, but especially ourselves!!
Hugs,
Chris