Last week was not my finest hour. I had a stressful day that led into a ton of stressful situations that seemed to just keep compounding. One day, I would think I had everything under control, only the next day I didn’t even get a chance to regroup, because the next day brought more. And as the week wore on, so did my resolve. My normal routines were disrupted, I was upset, I wasn’t eating on my normal schedule, I wasn’t sleeping enough and things just kept getting more challenging,
And then just like that, as surely as the sun rises in the morning, BOOM! The emotional eating monster reared his ugly head, only this time he wasn’t going to be squelched so easily. It was a day and a half. And I had been starving all day long. No amount of food seemed to make it better. Now typically, my appetite is pretty predictable and is usually satisfied by the foods I eat, not that day.
The longer the day went on, the more hungry I got. I tried all my usual go to’s. A little exercise, changing activities, watching Dr. Jack videos, nothing worked. I tried drinking more water, some additional supplements….nope. And then it was one more emotional thing and I had it. “That’s it! I am starving! No amount of veggies is going to cut it. I have to eat something different. I can’t stand this.”
I opened the cupboard, pulled out a sleeve of crackers, a jar of peanut butter and got a glass of milk. I sat down and played with butter knife. I stared at it….I opened the jar and looked inside…. And then my head kicked in.
“Before we do this, we need to think our way though this whole thing. Not going to touch it for ten minutes until we think about it. Why are you doing this? Duh!!!! I am starving! I need something and the largest salad in the world won’t cut it. Okay….well, what happens after? I don’t know… Who cares what happens after?? You care! Well…. I have to tell Dr. Jack. ”
Now, that’s not a stipulation Dr. Jack gave me, it’s what I did. Early on, I promised myself I would never go off my plan, yes, MY plan without discussing it with him or at least telling him first. Ultimately what goes in me is my decision, but I had tried to keep myself on track with various tools, and that was one. Well, the problem that day was that Dr. Jack was away, and I was not going to disturb him for anything short of a disaster, so that meant I would have to tell him… When he got back, I would have to. I know a lot of people think it’s personal and I wouldn’t have to, but I can’t be like that. To know the truth and not tell him is as good as lying to him, and I won’t lie to him….ever! You can’t get help when you lie. He has dealt with thousands, I know he would know, and all he would learn is that I am not truthful with him. What good can come of that?
“What’s he going to say? I don’t know. He will be kind, he is always kind, but he probably won’t like it. We worked hard to get rid of this emotional eating piece. But I will have to handle it then, I am starving right now. I can’t wait until he gets back. I need it now!”
“Okay, take Dr. Jack out of the equation. What about you? What will happen to you? I don’t know! I will feel badly, I might mess up what I have worked so hard on. Ten months of hard work all for some peanut butter and crackers? Worth it? I don’t know, I just know I am hungry, I want sugar and salt, and gluten. Yeah all the stuff that causes inflammation. That will be justtttttttt great. What if your Hashimoto’s kicks in, you okay with that? No I am not but I am so hungry!”
” Are you really hungry? Yeah! Hello!! I am starving…. My stomach is…well, technically it’s not growling. … I am really hungry though!…. Well, not really… I mean my stomach is not growling, I just want something! I feel….I feel….I feel empty….”
And then it hit me…. I feel empty. The problem was not really hunger for food, it was that I felt empty and I realized that I was going to try to fill myself with food. Then I would feel better, I would be “full.” I would be full physically but I wouldn’t full….the anger, the frustration, the pain would all be there…..I would numb the pain, my head would be busy beating the heck out of myself for what I did…the focus would be off the issue and on the self recrimination……. And there it was…. Clear as a bell… Numb the pain…. Take the focus off what was really wrong.
This whole lifetime of eating issue came down to a simple fact….eating all that stuff is not about food, it’s about filling yourself to just numb the pain.
I put down the knife, and covered the jar. I picked up my imaginary sword and I finished off the monster. Breathe….. Done! I put it all away, dumped the milk and cleaned up the table. Suddenly, I was calm, in control and funny? Not hungry at all.
I did tell Dr. Jack what happened. When he returned we talked about what happened and how my head worked that day. I was right, he was completely kind. He understood, after all, he has worked with thousands of people. He would have been compassionate about what might have happened, but he was happy I didn’t do it. I was happy, too. He complimented my strength but I kept thinking that I was so weak in that situation. And that I had only hung on by a thread. But I guess my little thread had one tiny knot in it because I was able to hang on.
I think now that I understand my triggers, and I understand what I need to do to get my head out of that situation. I can be successful at conquering this demon because I know his weak spots. Adios monster! We shall not fight again. Defeated!!