I admit it, I was aggravated… Okay really aggravated…. Okay seriously tickeddddd offffffff……It’s been a tough week. Back to school and working my second job. About Wednesday, life around our house started falling apart. Mail piled, laundry piled, lawn needed cutting, things got dusty, messy looking, our fridge needed cleaning.
It happens every year. First weeks back, and I say this year will be different but it isn’t. I am over tired working both jobs. School in the beginning requires a lot no matter how much you did over the summer… And then today… After a week of that and being inordinately hungry… The scale monster laughed at me sending my weight up a half pound or so. Really?? Reallllyyyyyyy?? Did you hear anyone screaming that from south Buffalo? Yeah that was me.
Like every Sunday, I got off wrote the result, and I copied my journal, wrote down questions and sent them off to Dr. Jack. I jumped in the shower and was talking to myself. “Seriously!! I worked hard at this. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….. Why?! This is so unfair! Some people just breathe and lose. I am doing all the right things! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…this is so stupid!! You lost over a hundred pounds Chris, yeah well I am not done am I?? And I am mad!! I scrubbed so hard it’s a miracle I still have skin.
I was at a bad spot beating myself for sins I didn’t even commit. How dumb is that?? I knew the slippery slope of aggravation where I get so impatient with myself that hurt my own feelings. The door was opened and I was fighting a losing battle to shut it. So I tied a knot and just hung on for a while. Stop doing this to yourself. No good comes of it. It isn’t like I ate a pizza for dinner for Pete’s sake… I didn’t do anything wrong so stop acting like I did. It’s just what is! I have lost 103 pounds! Not like there is no effort in that! But it didn’t matter….no words I spoke to myself seemed to change my head.
Got out, dressed and my phone email beeped. I saw it was Dr. Jack responding and so I dried my hair, and then got some water, and sat down to read it…..
“I know you are frustrated. I am sorry about that. I am not going to say “don’t worry about it” because that won’t help anything. Keep in mind, that there are a lot of “ingredients” that contribute to losing weight and keeping it off. You are experiencing some of the frustrations that most people experience and why they all give up. Be proud of yourself for analyzing it and not giving up. You are “3 percenter” (3%!).
97% of the people in the world would have said forget it and come up with a million excuses to go back to what they were doing. Not you. Great job! Stay the course. ……..”
Okay, in one paragraph, my iPad had tears dripped all over it. Puddles…. Sometimes I am glad Dr. Jack doesn’t see me face when he talks. I sat there reading it over and over…. And grabbing tissues to catch the drips.
“Ingredients….hmmmmm….” Yeah I had ingredients…. Two jobs all week long… A house to keep up with… Some minor renovations we have going on at home, still in transition..and the everywhere messes get to me….. Outside work….additional school work…new curriculum materials I just got and don’t know yet….pressure…materials to assemble for students with difficulties… Materials to challenge my stronger kids…..a new group of students whose strengths and weaknesses I am unsure of so I don’t know where to drive my teaching….paperwork…bills to pay….. Getting home after ten every night…leaving by 6:45 a.m. Yeah….add in stress, overly hungry… Lack of sleep from some muscle cramping……no time for the Y, no time this week period….
“Ingredients?” Yeah… Got those…. Okay. So I went outside with my gigantic container of water. Sat on the steps for awhile. My thinking spot since I was a child. The on,y thing missing was my mom to sit next to me and hold my hand… Or my dad standing there with his gardening tools telling me to work with him on a job while we talk…Took Dr. Jack’s email and read it again…. If he ever knew how many times I read what he writes, he would be shocked…
I didn’t do anything wrong. I need to remember that. And I seriously have to stop pressuring myself. No one is as impatient with me as I am. No one.
Then I remembered something Dr. Jack told me a long time ago… “this isn’t a sprint…it’s a marathon.” Deep sighhhhhhhhh……. More water…..I AM the 3%… I will be better than the 3% … I will be the 0.2% at the top of that group….it’s just a number on a scale…stubborn crazy body of mine…. .Okay… Untie the knot… Get up….Keep climbing…. No stopping now. After all, my biggest motivator is right there with his words of wisdom that keep me going…keep climbing.