Cheating…. I think as a teacher, I just don’t even like the word.
But anyway, the other day I was thinking about cocaine!! I have never tried cocaine before! Not once in my entire life! And I was curious, like what if I tried a little. I mean other people use it I could enjoy the experience and then just stop right? I mean it’s just a form of food isn’t it? A little won’t do anything.
Now you are reading that thinking, “Are you crazy? What the heck did she just say?? Do you have any idea what that does to your body? Do you know the physical and psychological effects? Do you know you will become addicted? You won’t be able to stop! You will be hiding your addiction from people. You will become dependent on it! You won’t be able to just try it and stop!” Yeah… I know. I would never use drugs….
But that’s how I feel about sugar. Sugar is my cocaine. I know if I go back, I won’t be able to stop. Know yourself, be completely truthful with yourself.
I was never a sugaraholic, but yes I like some sweet things. Never liked birthday cake, but loved fruit pie! Love cannoli! Enjoyed not overly sweet desserts, but the ones within flour and a little sugar, my families traditional Hungarian, German, Italian pastries.
Be honest do you really know what sugar does to you? Do any of us, besides Dr. Jack, know just how much white bread, pasta, sugar, and processed foods are doing to us? Do we really understand their addictive ways? But they taste good! And we should be able to eat them without worry. Right!? That’s how I used to think. But the new me has been educated.
I have been on this eating plan, way of living plan, for over a year now. And I have stuck to its principles completely. Cheating was just not something I have been interested in. But I think to understand why? You actually would have to live in here with me.
I just can’t ever seem to find the right words to explain to people how awful it was. And I think that’s because I did a great job of hiding most of it. I portrayed myself as a happy person, living my life, doing what I needed to do. But there was the stuff no one saw. Crying from pain as I left my second job. The brain fog that was so bad I had to keep notebooks filled with notes to keep track of important things. The chilling cold of winter so bad that I slept with five afghans on me while my teeth literally chattered. Fingernails I kept covered as they flaked off in sheets. Skin cracked and bleeding from October to June. The anxiety. The constant hunger, the sleepless night, the stomach issues, the weird food cravings. And the days I medicated myself with food to kill the pain. The list truly is endless. I could write about that for hours.
So when the first relief came? It was absolutely wonderful!! I remember clearly about two weeks in, that I crawled into bed exhausted, and woke up to my alarm, thinking that was strange and wondering if I was ill. But the next night it happened again! And it kept on happening. And then I started noticing other things. My skin was less dry, my hair started growing more quickly with new growth. I was hungry but not ravenous, and my appetite was satisfied from a good meal. My eyebrows grew back in. My muscles weren’t screaming in pain every night. My ears weren’t constantly maddingly itchy inside.
My symptoms, one by one, were leaving me. This was so much more than I thought was possible. Honestly? I never had believed that I could lose the symptoms of my disease. I had never met anyone who had this and actually got better! I was prepared for a lifetime of symptomology and so relief was sooooooooo welcomed.
Early on, I remember having a conversation with Dr. Jack. I can still hear his voice. I told him that a teacher had brought in some cookies, and they looked so good. He told me not to have any because it might set me back. That’s all he had to say. That phrase has been rolling around in my head ever since. Thirty some years I lived with those symptoms. One by one they were leaving. And a few cookies could make the ball roll backwards?? No thank you.
People tell me all the time that a little something won’t matter. My head immediately thinks that if I inflame those cells again, will they recover? Maybe. But if I do it one day and feel no effect, will I want to another day? Yes. Will that lead to everyday? Yessssss…. I can see myself so quickly falling down the slippery slope. And I am afraid of the consequence of that. Will I suddenly feel symptomatic again!? Oh no….Hashimoto? we are never ever getting together again.
Now that’s not to say a day is going to come where I consciously and willingly choose to have something, although not sugar, that’s a bit off my regular eating. But what I have is a doctor who will teach me how to do that, recover from it and not go nuts doing it. I am not obsessed with this plan. I am choosing every single day to live this way because I want to remain symptom free. And this is the only 100% foolproof way to do it. Dr. Jack does it! And if he can, then I can.
I have held on to this plan with a massive death grip. And Dr. Jack is a patient man. He has loosened my hold one finger at a time. In his patient quiet way, he has explained to me that we are far enough down the path to loosen the grip just a tiny bit. After all, the plan included once in a while foods, I just choose to ignore that list. I have resisted that. It felt like I would be cheating. He let me just think on it a bit and then tried again. And now I feel like I am ready to try a little. So nuts found their way back in, as did organic butter. That’s not cheating….it’s just saying okay to occasional foods.
Today, I am ready. Ready to read the list again. To take the death grip, and open my hand a tiny bit and try a few new things. Expand my horizon. Conscious choice, Dr. Jack approved.
Cheating is a personal choice. If you do it, I do not judge, it’s just not for me. But I think that others who do it successfully don’t understand that we do not all have the same issues. I just dumped Hashimoto, not inviting it to try another dysfunctional relationship with me. So here’s to loosening my grip a little….. just a little! Not going all crazy…. slow and steady wins races too!
hugsssssss,
Chris