ummm….. everything! I know I tell you all the time, but people are always writing to me. They send me emails about things I post, and ask me questions, for advice, all kinds of things.
And most times, I have no idea who they are. They come from emails I don’t recognize. I always answer. When you are at the other end you hope someone will care enough to answer. I know I always did. Lucky for me, one day a great doctor answered a crazy email and the rest is still a story in process.
The other day was no exception. A nice lady emailed me and she told me a long story about all her life she has been a closet eater. She didn’t sign her name at all and even when I wrote back she didn’t give her name, She is constantly stopping at a fast food place, picking up goodies, buying extra Halloween candy and stashing it. She told me that she just can’t stop, and that she has so many life issues right now. Did I know anything about that?
Of course I did! My goodness I do understand so completly! I spent the year before Dr. Jack trying to get well, but it wasn’t always that way. And, I bet if you took a poll where people were blatantly honest, where no one would know it was them? Most would tell you that they do it, or have done it. Come on, you are reading this alone… am I the only one with my hand in the air? Come on… yeah that’s more like it. We have all snuck a couple of cookies, or ate something alone. We don’t want others to know our dirty secrets but lots of us have them. We have done it.
Let’s be honest. We are all adults, it’s easy to do. We have cars and we have money, and it’s easy to have some alone time. Have I done it? Absolutely!! I loved chocolate! Good chocolate! Not yucky stuff… some how that makes it seem better right? Lol. Who am I Kidding? I loved any kind of chocolate.
People do it. You eat stuff after the kids go to bed, you are cooking and have too many tastes. You go out and grab something to eat where no one sees you. Lots of us have done it. I had a friend who told me how she sliced off one corner of each brownie to make them all appear the same and ate those pieces. Someone else told me she did that with pizza. People tell me their diet horror stories, cartons of ice cream, desserts that never made it home. Trust me, no one is confessing about broccoli. Lol
One time for graduation we had leftover cake in our faculty room. A bunch of us got together in the morning and had it for breakfast. Later on in the morning, I was down there and had another piece and then again at lunch. What can I say, it was a bad day. I ate it, I admit it and if you are disgusted by that, well….oh well. This is my dirty laundry, I am sure you have some of your own.
When I wrote her back I told a few of my stories, she told me hers, and then she told me her rock bottom story. It’s not good…. fair warning. There was a birthday, leftover cake. She told the kids it was stale, threw the box in the trash, went in there after they went out, and got the box out and ate it. My stomach turned, but in my heart, I felt for her. Then I wrote back and said how sorry I was that things had gotten to that point for her, and she told me it wasn’t her first time.
She told me that for years she told her kids she didn’t eat pasta. She would over cook and put the leftover in a baggie and put it in the trash, and then retrieve it. I gagged reading it, I don’t judge her but I gagged and I told her so. I could never do that. But she told me about her divorce, her parents death, other sad stories. I get it…. been there. And maybe I ate tons to cover myself but that would be a place I couldn’t go. I asked if she told her doctor but she said she is too ashamed. I told her,”Look, I have told Dr. Jack every secret about me. That’s how you get help. You have to tell the parts that are the hardest to tell.”
I actually cried for her, I couldn’t help it…..I can’t help but feel for her. How much pain gets you there. I suggested resources. I wasn’t sure what else to do. I tried to write back but I think the email was deleted. I hope she still reads here.
Dysfunctional relationships with food are something I understand. But that was beyond my thinking. Never willing to eat food that was in the trash, but I could feel for her. And I could feel for her pain as many of us can. I wished I could wrap my arms around her and hug her. How much pain was she in that day?? She told me she was so ashamed but she felt like we were friends and she could tell me.
I asked her if maybe she is just on a vicious cycle of hating herself and trying to just fill herself up. She asked how I broken that habit of hidden eating and if I did it because of inner pain. Yeah…… lots of us have done that too. You aren’t alone.
Sighhhhhhhhhh…..
Well first, you are never losing the urge. It’s always going to be there. And I am not sure I will have ever truly broken mine, but it’s like you have this bag of tools with you, and you just try to use whichever one will get the job done. On the day those urges are strong, here is my bag:
1. Put distance between you and it. I have walked out of rooms with temptations. Stay as far away as possible. Change activities. Do whatever you can to be away from it.
2. Stay full. Eat more things that are volume so you are full a lot of the time. When do you make diet plans? When you are full of course! So eat a small salad with your meal, or add in veggies to add volume. It’s easier to stay away when you are full,
3. Break the pattern. If you are tempted at the same time every day or the same location, then it is just a habit. So go a different route. Stay determined.
4. If it’s sugar, do research on what exactly sugar does to your poor cells. The more I learn, the less I want it. I doubt I will ever eat sugar again. I won’t say never because maybe one day it will be so bad I can’t take it anymore, but right now I know too much. Cancer and sugar belong in the same sentence in my mind.
5 . Stop rewarding yourself with food and stop demonizing it too. Food is not good and bad although plenty is bad for you. I don’t reward myself for anything anymore. That’s part of my vicious cycle. Nope. No more. I can do what I want for me just to be nice.
6. Realize that what you might be doing is medicating yourself with food. This one? This was me ….Truly was me. Food is your friend, it’s there for you. It never lets you down. So it’s easy to turn to in times of pain. It fills up the holes. It tastes like childhood. When people just loved you and you were safe. It produces a mental image and brings back great memories. But I had to learn to stop associating it to that. That was hard to do. I won’t lie to you.
7. You have to police yourself, and that’s tough. It’s easy to give in. My first big holiday on plan was Thanskgiving. I made it through Halloween okay but for me it was turkey day. I was hurt because once again I was working while my children were with others. I was alone and in pain. Did I want it?? Yeah! I wanted anything I could get my hands on. Honestly, some days you just sit and cry. I did that day. I drove to my second job in tears. It wasn’t about the food, it was about wanting to fill up the holes that pain had caused. It’s so hard to break the cycle. But you have to do it!
8. When I started I told myself I was never eating secretly again. I was either doing it out in the open or not at all. So own it, no matter what, own it.
There are tons of other suggestions I could give. Its not an easy road. You are going to get there. You might get dirty, you will feel beat up. But you can persevere. And if you fall down, just get back up and do it all again. Just don’t stop. We all have to find a way to value ourselves more! We have to!
Hugsssssss
Chris