“Chris? What did you have for Christmas dinner?”
Me: “We ate at my sister’s home. She made stuffed shells, and I contributed some meatballs. There was salad, rolls….cookies, pie….those kinds of things. But for myself, I had grilled chicken, vegetables and salad, and coffee, I had coffee.”
“Didn’t you feel deprived?”
hmmmm….I sat and thought on that… did I feel deprived? deprived? No…….not deprived. Come to think about it, I am not sure I even noticed. Wow…. what a long way down this road we have walked, when you realize that you didn’t even notice.
It has taken a long time,this crazy dysfunctional, obsessive, compulsive, insane, love hate, relationship I had with food. It really has and it also is exceptionally difficult to describe. What I do know it has been, is a tough road back to a healthy relationship. Not unlike healing from most unhealthy relationships, it has had its share of anger, tears, frustrations and hurt. And absolutely there are times when I still feel this hair of deprivation, mostly at times when I might want a comfort food, or when I am angry or hurt and the I want to eat bad things to make the pain stop.
But the best news is, that this holiday? I can’t even say I noticed all that much. I actually enjoyed the meals I prepared myself. And it has gotten easier to just look the other way from things I know will just make my symptoms return. Dr. Jack and I have worked way too hard for that.
A friend asked me the other day if I will ever be eating as I had prior and my immediate, no thinking response was, “No, I don’t think I ever will again.” It doesn’t mean that I think I am sooooooo perfect that once in awhile I might not slip. But that is really not my intention. I know too much now.
I wish I could just open my head, and let you look inside at where I came from. Most people who are friends would be shocked. I tried hard to be a healthy eater but was I good all the time? ha!! No. I ate weird a lot of the time. Weirdo cravings, weird food habits, sugar cravings, salt cravings, dairy cravings. Just weird combinations. Some of that comes with thyroid disease, and also with just being frustrated all the time, so you eat to medicate yourself. I ate on the run a lot, so sugar, and caffeine were a go to. I didn’t worry about nutrition, or what was I missing in my diet. I wasn’t going to lose any weight no matter what so what difference did it make. As long as calories were under six or seven hundred, who cared what it was?
If there is one thing Dr. Jack excels at, it’s education. I remember, early on talking to him about cravings and him explaining just how under nourished I was. Hungry? He would say, “Eat!” But then explain what I should eat and when. I would stand at my second job straightening the candy aisle and then talk to him about that, the cravings that kicked in. He would talk to me about the effects of sugar and I would get scared thinking what that does to me. He has a picture of sugar painted in my head as an evil dragon spewing cancer and addiction, and I am never ever going back to that place again.
Christmas dinner ….. my sister, God bless her, is the mom of six children. When one of them was born a number of years ago and we talked Christmas dinner, we discussed making our lives easier and we got on the lasagne story. It has become something our kids now ask for. Wegmans must have had a run on lasagne noodles because all they had were shells. She generously offered to make me a vegetable lasagne but I don’t eat much chesse, and I am not sure they make organic ricotta, and I don’t eat any gluten anymore. Sauce has way too much sugar so I offered to bring my own food. My family doesn’t care. They are used to my lunch bag! Lol….. I would have liked to try a few cookies because they looked good, and also because we were all sitting there and that can be a challenge, but I did drink the coffee and told myself that was my treat.
Christmas Eve, I had my children over for dinner. Loaded baked potato soup, roast beef sandwiches and a cheesecake pie were the requested food items. Me? I made the most filling salad ever with all kinds of yummy toppings I like. Did I feel deprived that day? Honestly again? No.
I am being honest when I tell you that until I was asked about it, I didn’t really think too much on it, I think my old ways are finally at peace…. may we never meet again. If I could conquer it, you can too. It’s all about patterns. Lose the bad one, get a new one and a few months in? Deprived? No…. peaceful, full, happy, content and wonderfully, joyfully healthy!