Okay, that should have been resolution number one, but I have been struggling with it for awhile. That seriously needs to be number one. Every few weeks that realization hits me, and even more so at two specific times, Christmas and graduation time when I seriously am in so far over my head and running on no energy at all. It happens every single year…..I am running at top speed trying desperately to make it all happen. And then it gets to the wire and this unachievable goal I have set for myself cannot be met so then it’s time to cut corners. The guilt that comes with that is enormous. And it isn’t like the world is doing it to me, the fact is that I am doing it to myself.
I spend the few days before the holiday running like a little gerbil on a wheel, exhausting myself and yet getting nowhere, and I spend the entire school break working my second job and trying to catch up at home. By the time I return from this supposed rest filled hiatus, I am still exhausted and the cycle begins again. If anyone had stopped by my house the week before Christmas I might have died of embarrassment at the sheer disaster I had going on. I should have been relaxing, enjoying the holiday.
Relaxation? Have no idea how to define that word most of the time.
If you don’t do it, who will?
Like all parents, I made the Christmas magic happen. There was a tree, a few gifts because we are a pretty minimalistic family, not a single thing I didn’t order online, cookies, favorite Holiday foods and a few handmade gifts. But there were no Christmas cards and no extra cleaning done. I would have liked to enjoy more of it as a relaxing time, than a running like a crazy lady time. But that never happens.
So how did I end up so frantic? That is an easy answer! I never say, “No,” to anyone or anything. Even if I know I won’t have the time, I quickly say, “Yes.” To be fair, I do work two jobs. I teach school five days a week and work my second job anywhere from five to six days a week. Since school does not really end and a lot of work comes home, and I have things to do at home, too, that leaves very little time for much else.
People always say, “I don’t know how you are doing it.” And frankly, I have no idea. I used to do it all before I had as much energy as I do with Dr. Jack, but I did it with a lot of crying, a lot of pain and frustration. It was almost self punishing and I am to sure that it isn’t still that.
If you ask a favor, I will happily do it. No problem!! I don’t mind if I get inconvenienced in anyway. I will get it done. I take on extra projects and extra everything’s. And in the midst, I end up over worked, over tired and just have every frazzled nerve you can imagine on end. Why?? Dr. Jack asked me that one day, when we had a phone meeting…. why?? I can still hear him, “I really want you to answer that. Why do you feel the need to do everything?” And Rob, my life coach asked me, “Why.” And to be honest, I gave them the same answer, I really don’t know why. I think that will take some soul searching to figure out.
I am not the only one doing it, you are doing it, too. You know you are…
There are lots of people who write to me here.,,.. why do we do that?? I could use some insight. Why?? I don’t know…. is it that we are afraid to disappoint anyone. Do we feel good about ourselves saying yes all the time. Is it that we can’t even have a free minute because we feel guilty about free time? I don’t really know…. my best friend told me once, “Where there is homework, you make work,” and how those words haunt me. Why?? Not sure.
Well….anyway when Dr. Jack and I were talking, he read me this thing he keeps on his desk. It went something like for everything I say, “Yes,” to it means something or someone else I am saying, “No,” to…I should embroider that on a pillow and look at it every day. I put it on a Post It note on my bedroom mirror… so who am I saying, “No,” to?! Oh!! That answer is sooooooo simple…. the person looking back at me in the mirror!!
I can say no to her sooooooo easily! She does not need sleep! She does not need relaxation time…I look at her and think that she can do without relaxation time, or rest, or anything fun. That is a terrible habit and one I needed to break a longgggggg time ago.
What would I do with some free time,,,..
While I was thinking on that, I asked myself what might I do with a little free time? Hmmm… not TV, I hate TV, lol… although there are a few movies I might like to see. Can’t remember the last movie I saw…
Read a book…. can’t remember the last book I read….
Make something… I have all these creative hobbies I love and although I use those abilities to make things for other people, I rarely make anything for myself.
Go for a walk, like not for exercise but for fun.
Visit a friend.
Go for a swim at the YMCA, not like for exercise but to relax.
Pick up a new hobby…. there are so many things I always wanted to try and never have even attempted thinking it would just be something I might waste time on.
I could work on my blog, work on my YouTube, things I keep,wanting to do but don’t have time….
The list is endless….
Yeah….. definitely moving this resolution to the top of the list. Rewording it though….would be better if it was more positive.
Resolution #3 Say, “Yes,” to Chris…. yup… hard to even say. Like all difficult things, I think the more you do it the easier it becomes. I think you should, too. I know I am not the only one here that needs that.
Hugs,
Chris