My blog yesterday got me all kinds of responses, emails and more. I see that I am not in this alone, thank you for those. This road will be a lot easier knowing people are walking with me. I meant what said yesterday, so many people here I have never met and yet are friends. Thank you for being here for me and my family.
So, Sara was a bit better yesterday and so was Russ. She was straightening things at home and I scrubbed my fridge. And I mean scrubbed. I got rid of questionable food, and cleaned everything top to bottom. It’s pristine.
Sara’s bedroom was cleaned, organized, the dresser scarves washed, ironed and starched. Like mother like daughter. The day before her living room and kitchen took on her grief as she did everything but vacuum. I told her not to touch the vacuum I would do that. I have to keep reminding her that she did give birth and over doing things is going to take a toll. But she is trying to purge…. I get it… keep her mind occupied.
I tried to practice self control, where she is concerned. I didn’t go there yesterday as much. Okay I stopped twice but that was a far cry from the week and a half where I got there at eight and only left when I knew she was going to bed. I did not go to the cemetery, but she did… it’s all okay. When I got to her house, she showed me all her hard work. Next to the bed is a photo of the baby. She looked at me, and asked if thought that was okay.
It’s her child! Of course it’s okay. I told her I am ordering some prints for my bedroom, I will never forget Russell, Jr. He is in my heart forever, a huge part of my life.
I didn’t tell her that a well meaning aquaintence told me that I should not be posting pictures on my Facebook as they make people, uncomfortable. I turned into a rabid dog, “Anyone is free to not look, I have looked at horrid, disgusting photos as I scroll through Facebook. It’s my wall, if I want to post pictures of my sweet grandson, I will and whoever doesn’t like can feel free to delete me. I am proud to be his grandma. And right now, I seriously don’t give two cares who thinks what. ” Yeah…. my normally sweet nature, who tries to please everyone is easily pushed these days. Is t it amazing what people think is their business? I wouldn’t mess with me for a few weeks. My grief wants to punch something.
Yesterday, I was home alone for awhile, and that, unfortunately was all the motivation I needed to have the crying jag of my life. The rest of the day, I was “off.” I still am waking up about six times a night. I think about Sara and Russ, I think about the baby. I think about things I need to do, I think about things I should start….. my head quickly spins into overdrive.
I did work my second job and that was hard yesterday. I was not ready, but when will I be ready? I have to work a full day today into the evening. I keep asking myself why I didn’t take a few more days, but hiding from the world will not make things better. My patience for people was tough yesterday, I was not in the mood for cranky customers. And there were several. I don’t know why people get like that. But I gritted my teeth and just dealt. The other associates, friends I have made there were wonderful, crying with me, hugging me, healing me.
I was better yesterday about some things, I did drink more, and kept track of what I was doing. I took my supplements plus a few herbal stress relief. That helped. It’s going to be a slow process, as the sugar monster was screaming at me, and I was fighting him, but as Dr. Jack told me, “Breatheeeeeee, baby steps.”
I reached a point yesterday where I was being exceptionally hard on myself, Okay more like brutal, saying it wasn’t me who had the baby and I should be able to handle this better, that I was being weak. I do that…. I am awful to myself sometimes. Old habit….. But I caught myself and kept thinking patience……patience….. you cannot expect of yourself what you do not expect of others. Would I tell Sara to just deal?
Many have asked, and so, Sara had her follow up visit. Physically all is okay. Her body is behaving as anyone’s who gave birth. It is returning to normal. She was given six weeks leave and was told if mentally she needs more to come back. But I think she will be okay. She told her doctor she has a good support system in place and she does. We are all one call from in the car. I asked her to promise me that if the waive of grief hits to callme, no matter time, nor day. She emailed Dr. Jack who as always, offered his good advice and encouragement. He has taken such great care of us through this.
It all just needs time….. and patience…. I tell all of you, this is the hardest thing of my life. And I can promise you, I have done some really hard things, gotten through tough stuff, but this is the most challenging.
Thank you to all of you…. truly thank you for your emails, notes and posts. Hugssssssss
Chris