Hugs!
Morning…. I am having some water, some needed supplements, and sitting on the steps of my back porch, listening to the birds, and soaking in the quiet of the morning. That’s a rare thing for me who flies every day from one thing to another.
Thank you for emails and texts and posts and especially, love. Our family is okay…. thank you for asking. Sara and Russ went and picked out a stone for the baby. It won’t be ready for several months. So in the meantime, I am going to paint a pot to put there. I will share it with you when I get it done.
Sara still has her moments, and she will for a long time. I have mine, too, where the sadness just pours out for my heart. Russ does too. My family does, we all do. That’s normal.
Well meaning people…. ah yes… well meaning people. … “You got attached too attached to him. It would have been better to not see.” …. sigh, no, I was attached the second I knew he “was.” And I had to see him…. I would have demanded to see him no matter what, I am not afraid of death, I have seen too much to be afraid of it.
“You should have demanded a specialist.” You mean aside from the specialists they called, the doctors who paraded in and out, whose names I couldn’t keep up with? Would the outcome be any different? Well meaning people…..they really do think they are helping…. a few are upset with me as I explained that if you are my friend, you would just let me cry to you, or be okay with my saying “no” to events, or just let me make my own way here. The list of well meaning people is endless…. All things considered, I think we are actually doing better than most expected. As Dr. Jack keeps telling me, I am strong. He says it so much I actually believe him.
Yesterday being the Fourth of July, no one was much in a picnic mood, but at the same time, I am the mom of this crowd and we all need to rejoin the land of the living, even if it is baby steps. So, I told, not asked, but told the kids about having dinner. I made Sara go with me to the grocery store. Despite not eating any of this stuff, I made some usual summer holiday favorites, BBQ spareribs, corn on the cob, strawberries for dessert. Sara whipped up a dish called awful potatoes that they all love. I invited Shannon’s mom (Shannon is my future daughter in law) to join us. I did not partake in that but ate a bit of my own food. All good. That does not bother me, hasn’t for the last year now.
We ate in the kitchen, low key, having nice conversation, a few silly stories. After dinner we did up the dishes, and Russ and my son, Joey, (in front of people, I always call him Joe, but to me he is Joey forever,) had some fireworks that they shot off. Sara, Shannon and I sat in lawn chairs clapping for the show and laughing at the two “boys” and their silliness. They were like little kids. Everyone went home early as everyone is working today, including me a little later. It was fun….. I reminded them all, we are allowed to have fun, it is not wrong to have fun. It wasn’t crazy, just fun, food and family…. all good things. We need to start doing things together that are fun, not just things we have to do, just like we did before the baby. I am the mom here, I have to keep everyone moving in the right direction.
Sara shared her meltdowns with me. One occcurred after Russ took her for a ride on his motorcycle, something she really enjoys. She said all the while she kept thinking she shouldn’t be riding on it, because she had that still in her head, that she was pregnant. Her husband and she had talked about no riding while she was pregnant, and then the wave came. I told her it was okay, as I had my own wave as I ran across some sketches I had made of what I was hoping to paint for the baby’s room, along with shower ideas for a tractor themed shower. It’s all okay.. this is all normal.
For myself, I am trying to remember it is summer, not make myself crazy with projects that need doing, although that is my inclination. Busy is numbing, as is eating. Eating is numbing. That’s another blog, a huge discovery made, that my emotional eating is all tied to stressful events, an attempt made to shield myself from pain, and finally I have the keys to the door. Thank you Baby Russ, for teaching your grandma something about herself!
More well meaning people…. because I talked about my grab and go eating of the last few weeks, have sent me “diets.” Ughhhh… never on a diet again. I have returned to my Dr. Jack plan, and I feel better, less symptomatic and definitely better. Weight? Who cares…. it will go. For now, I need to focus on health. Well meaning people … one actually sent my name to some fitness thing, really….. no thank you, have a ymca membership that I use. All I want to do is go there and swim right now, the water is therapeutic to me. I started my Pilates work over again. I am sore, stiff, that’s okay. It’s been a few weeks. Well meaning people…..
I do appreciate people caring about me, but my health advice comes from only one, Dr. Jack. What he tells me to do, I do… that was all I ever needed, and will ever need.
I am working on a better formula for my life right now. Destressing as much as possible. Deep breathing, meditation, working on some things for my summer tutoring students, breaking out the rocks I want to paint, finding my coloring supplies, grabbing some books to read, my Spirograph, a gift from a class some years ago, my zentangle books, sitting on this porch…..taking it slow, one step at a time, finding peace inside myself, looking at my September to June lifestyle and seeing what I can do with that. It needs a serious makeover. I am getting there. One hour at a time, one day at a time.
Actually last night is the best I have slept since that awful day. Making my way…. slowly. I am stronger than I think I am, Dr. Jack said so, and I believe it.