Funny isn’t it, how you work and work and work at something, give it your all, and then one day, from out of nowhere, the whole thing hits you right between the eyes! The moment you think, Hello!!! That is it!
That happened to me this week. I was not going to write about it at all… too personal… Then it was well, maybe I should share it, I have always tried to help others here through my own journey. Okay, maybe I could share it but, I needed to test the theory for myself to find out. I finallyyyyyyyyyyyy totally understand a lifelong problem of emotional eating. Finalllllllyyyyyyyyy……Wow…. a huge weight lifted. Literally…
I have tried it all, when it come to emotional eating… read everyone’s articles, bought books, watched YouTube videos, tried that EFT tapping, meditation, changing the times I eat, exercise, brushing my teeth, name it…. Facebook constantly pushes ads about people and emotional eating my way. Even Facebook knows my obsesssions. None of it worked. The monster followed me everywhere. Oh I put up a good fight, a really good fight. And I didn’t give into him,except the week of the baby, but he caused me a lot of needless pain and stress. Until a few days ago…
So, here is how the story goes…..
Rob Ciminelli, my life coach, and now great friend, invited me to go for lunch last week, a sweet kind gesture during my numbing week. He had come for Baby Russell’s funeral, and like so many, had to change his work schedule I am sure. So many kind friends were with us, and so many who couldn’t prayed for us in spirit. The invitation was a welcomed change of pace. I couldn’t handle a big crowd yet, but lunch with a great friend? Easy.
We sat and both ordered salad, chicken souvlaki, one of my favorites. I usually would not eat the cheese, but I did with not even a bat of an eye. Our conversation was good, a lot about the baby, about how I was doing, what was going on. It was nice, relaxing, and he is so kind and patient with me. We talked about his upcoming trip, and good things. I felt relaxed. I ate like half the salad, which was delicious, and I was full. I was in that place of I do not need more because I am full. But my inclination was to keep going, like I wanted it! No thought of how stuffed I am, just, I want it. I need to finish it.
Now the truth is, that since I started working with Dr. Jack, I have gotten past that. I make a big salad for lunch, but when I am full, I stop. I don’t like wasteful so I have an idea of how much will be perfect and that’s what I take, but eating out is different. So there I was chomping away, knowing I would usually have prepared half that amount, but I just wanted it! I realized that even at home, when I was done with my meal, I wanted more! More of anything. Not out of hunger just wanted it.
And Rob, who was in the same place as I, said, “I am taking this home because I am full. If I finish it, it would be just to finish it.” Now he had no idea where my head was, but what he sai hit me. That statement registered a direct hit. I am not sure why, but I felt a physical reaction to what he said. I really have to say that it was good that we ended about there, because I wasn’t really focused on the conversation any more. I got in my car, leftovers in hand and wrote down what he had said. I don’t want to forget it.
Why was that chewing at my head? Yeah…. why did I want the rest? I wasn’t hungry anyway, well…. not for food…. and that was the moment the pieces started falling down like a tower of blocks.
I went home, and luckily I was alone. I sat down and started thinking. Okay, so I talk to myself out loud when I am alone. Don’t judge me, ha ha…. I find that when I do that, my thoughts are unfiltered, and I usually end up going on a tirade, but before you know it, the answer totally makes itself known. My best thoughts and solutions have often come at those moments because with myself, I can totally BE myself. Don’t knock it until you try it! It really is very therapeutic.
I sat there talking about this last ten months, it wasn’t just the baby, the exhorbitant amount of stress I have, where it came from, especially who it comes from and why the heck do I let that happen? Why do I care what any person thinks about me? I talked about the last three weeks, about the baby, and how I wanted to eat everything in site and how hard I was fighting that urge to the point of exhaustion. The battle was enormous and I felt so out of control, that if I let myself I could open the fridge and just goooooo…. The more I talked the louder and less filtered I got because I was mad and hurt and in pain.
“Why have you let all of this get in your way? Why are you doing this to yourself? Other people do not do this!! You are fighting yourself, constantly…..trying to make yourself better, yet constantly sabotaging yourself in little ways. You go without sleep, you eat late not because you are so hungry, but just because, you let all these people get under your skin, what they say matters, not what you think about yourself but what they think! Why do you feel the need to blame yourself for their stuff? You are so busy trying to please everyone that you totally neglect yourself and then think that is okay? Why do you care what they think? Ever since the baby died, it has escalated, that feeling is totally out of control? Whyyyyyy?”
The tirade went on and on….oh, it was ugly…… “Dr. Jack is right! He is always telling you about stress. Are you listening? Oh you hear him but are you really listening? He gives you advice all the time. What are you doing with it? It’s like you are on a mission to create more problems!! You are doing this stuff to yourself. You are constantly trying to just fix the symptom not the actual problem. All these great ideas you have, what have they accomplished? Nothing? You didn’t want to eat the rest of the lunch because you were hungry, you just wanted to eat it it, why?? Why would you do that?”
I was there…. in the deep dark place we all keep hidden away from everyone. I know you know what I mean. The place we don’t like anyone to see, we all have it. The door to that place was wide open and the rush of junk inside was coming fast and furious, spilling out…. maybe it was the grief, maybe it was all the built up stress, I am not sure.
But all of a sudden I was screaming at myself, “You are always punishing yourself for stuff that has nothing to do with you. Today is a perfect example. You would eat it and then be mad calling yourself weak! They all think you are so strong, but you aren’t strong, you are weak, and you just keep fighting with this same monster over and over. Dr. Jack keep saying you are strong, but you aren’t strong without the COAT! Just say it!! Say it!!” And then there it was….
“Thats right! Cover yourself with the big coat! Let nothing and no one in! They can’t hurt you then, can they? That’s the whole problem! You can blame yourself then. Maybe the baby is my fault, some genetic defect that I passed on, maybe it was because I never took good care of myself, and it’s my fault. I stood there helpless! Why couldn’t I do something to Help?? Numb yourself from the pain, numb it by finishing the rest! It isn’t about the food it’s about finding a way to protect yourself! If you finished it, you would be full!!” And that was it….. to be “full.” Sigh….. I seriously sat down and cried and cried and cried…. not my finest moment, to say the least, embarrassing to tell, needed to, but not my finest moment.
I didn’t tell anyone for a few days, why would I need to anyway. I am allowed private moments. But eventually I did tell Dr. Jack and Rob. Not all of it, until now, but the biggies….
Since that day, the grief of the baby hits… hard and other times softly…. Happened the other day at the YMCA pool. I was in there an hour and a half, walking, swimming, walking, swimming, back and forth and I could feel the tension leaving. I was deep in thought, and all of a sudden the grief hit. I am supposed to be planning a baby shower! I had it all planned it my head! I am supposed to be painting s baby’s room! Making things, getting ready. I am supposed to be snuggling and loving on this sweet little boy who I fell in love with, and I got robbed. My family got robbed. It wasn’t bad enough that I had to work when my kids were babies. Was robbed of so many moments a mother treasures. But now I got robbed of this too…..
The tears started and I knew what was coming. I jumped out, showered, changed and got in my car, found a secluded spot to ride out the grief. As soon as it passed, I wanted ice cream, sugar, sweet dripping ice cream. Now!
I thought, wow! There it is. “I recognize you now. I just want it to numb this pain, to make myself full. Funny thing was, as soon as I said it, I didn’t want it anymore.
Yesterday at work, things got a little stress filled. Wanted something junk food like, “Hello, monster, I recognize you now, I am fine, so move on.” And the craving was gone….I ate a salad, and I was fine. Not stuffed, just full and comfy and moved on.
Cured? Not sure. But I know that is the most significant amount of progress I have made on this part.
Only took an entire life time, two men and a baby……
ps…. so many people write to me to thank me for my honest blogs. They also write and ask if they contributed to my stress. The answer is honestly, no. I can’t write about what does, so forgive me. Unfortunately, I can’t do that.
I started this blog with rules for myself. Be honest, tell it like it is, because when I was searching for Dr. Jack, I wish I had found someone like me. I do try to speak from my heart. My whole philosophy of life, actually, has been pretty simple….. can I help someone else?
If my being honest helps just one person here find their emotional key, or gives them the hope that they can do it too? Then being uncomfortable, being honest, putting myself out there is totally worth it. Hugsssssssssss Be kind to yourself today! Look for your key. You hurt yourself long enough for one lifetime. Huggggggggsssssssssssss