Yes, it’s really early. Yes, I am wide awake, and I got up to feed Louie, Shannon’s cat, and her guinea pig, Eli, and her bunny rabbit, Gizzy. What can I say? She loved her animals, her children as she called them. I will let Joe feed the bearded dragon, Bentley when he wakes up. I am trying to learn how to care for them. They miss her, especially Louie. He keeps looking for her, I know he knows something happened. He was here when it did.
I am also trying to be as silent as possible. Last night was the first time I think Joey has really slept completely. He is exhausted, as am I. Yes I got up,several times to just listen at his door. He was sound asleep and much needed sleep. Even I got a few solid hours which will help, I am sure. I may go back to bed for a little, or take time to pray for bit.
Yesterday, Dr. Jack encouraged me to add in a few supplements to aid the process. My stress level has been ginormous. We went to make arrangements yesterday, and the funeral director was wonderful. But it’s still hard. All of a sudden it just gets real.
Solutions4 makes an herbal stress relief which really did help to bring down my level of stress. As Dr. Jack reminded me, sleep was definitely needed. So I thought I might write some more while I am still in this place of peace. Let’s see how far I can get.
Shannon’s death was a total and complete shock. I can’t write about that part yet. That will take some more time. All I know is this summer is my nightmare. As a mother, this has been my hardest time. My plans of jobs around the house, and getting myself in order have fallen by the side as there are hours I just sit and cry. I know that is normal. Grief takes its time. And it’s all okay.
I have always been lucky with my kids. They really grew up giving me minimal problems. They aren’t perfect by any means, but they pretty much grew up without major issues. I was a busy mom, always working, but I kept a good handle on things. As my mother and father trained me, things were not as important as time. Their childhood was filled with important conversations. I was strict in terms of what they were allowed to do, and a force to be had. As my sister and I always laughed telling our children, “We know, we are dinosaurs. We were raised by dinosaurs and can teach you to be a dinosaur, too.”
When my Sara and Russ found each other, and Joey found Shannon, I got four children. I love my in law kids, they are my own children to me. And both of them have always treated me like their mom. Just like my children, all four got along, there has been a lot of double dating, and Shannon and Sara have been like two giggly sisters since they met. So many family get together have been the two girls laughing so hard that they cried from laughter. When Sara had her miscarriage, Shannon was in the car, running to Sara’s home and wrapping her in her arms as both cried together. Russ has been a brother to Joey. I am blessed.
When Sara lost the baby, the family was all in. Everyone gathered to help, to support. This has been no different. They are all their for each other. My siblings and cousins the same, as is Shannon’s family who are our family. All of us, together.
This morning as I am sitting here, relieved to hear the sounds of Joey sleeping quietly, I am just thinking about this last year. If this summer has taught me one thing, it’s that I need to stop giving energy and precious time to things that are really so unimportant in my life. I need to selfishly guard myself against spending wasted time and energy on things and people who do not deserve my precious time. And by that I mean the people who come into our lives with their agendas of stress that merely pull us into their web of energy draining nonsense. I am angry just thinking about the last year and those I allowed to do that. All that wasted emotion on what?
I know that if one good thing comes out of this for me? It is that finally….. I learn that lesson. I am so tired of worrying about situations and people who only take from me. I am often so interested in keeping them happy in fulfilling unachievable expectations that I allow my health, both physical and mental to suffer. And for what? Are they here supporting us? No. This summer, I lost two young people. Life is so precious. The people I lost had a huge piece of my heart. Their lives had meaning in my life.
I hope my words and my pain inspire you to change your life. If I can help one other person with the intense pain I am feeling, then it will be worth it. Who is really important to you? Who is draining your Energy? Stealing what you might have spent on those that love you? Whose expectations are impossible and yet no matter how hard you try they criticize? What have they stolen from you? How have they impacted your health?
I am done with that, with them. I can be polite to anyone, but letting them into my inner circle? Never again. I am vowing to never let that happen to me again. I lost too much this summer. In four weeks I have lost far too much….. Tears coming, need to stop now….