Thank you to so many people who wrote to me to express their condolences. Your kind words have brought comfort. Many have asked how my son is coping.
He is coping…. he knows he has no choice. He is my son, and we are cut from steel, we may cry and get beat up. We get bruised, but we still get up. It just takes time. He has responsibilities. He has vowed to take care of Shannon’s animals, her mom and grandpa are his family,too. He is trying very hard to take care of everyone. And like any mother, I have stood close enough to be his support but given him space to express his grief freely.
He is …. me. He has poured his grief onto paper. He wrote something to be given out at the celebration of life that is being planned for Shannon. He is working on a slide show. He was drawing a tattoo. Shannon had many tattoos, she always wanted Joey to get one, but he never had. But now he wants a permanent reminder, and whatever he needs to do to help himself heal, I support him. He is working on some remembrance things and plans to do many of the memorial things himself for the celebration. He needs to, that will help him. Sara and I and family will help him to do what he needs to do. He is my son, our grief shows itself in words and projects.
Little by little, day by day, often moment by moment, we are all coping. Shannon’s aunts and uncle came right away driving here from Texas. Her grandfather is happy to have all his girls here. Her mom, is dealing with many of the difficult tasks that go with the death of a loved one. She, like any mom, has her awful moments. Who is a parent and does not understand….. it is a tough road filled with enormous pain. But she has support, her family and ours. Joey is ready and only a phone call away. He is working on a list of emergency numbers including mine, Sara and Russ’s for her grandpa in case he needs help and Cathy is unavailable. He is trying to do his best.
I am proud of him. Joey is handling things as best as can be expected. My son is a stoic man, one who keeps most emotions close. He is me, we are strong people. It’s in our blood. We cry but we have strength. I have explained to him that here, at our home, he is safe to do what he needs to, yell, scream, curse, and cry in peace. He has his family who have gathered and circled the wagons with his friends by his side. People have called and texted and supported him through social media. He has support and ears to listen. His good friends have offered their homes, safe havens for him to run to should he need that. So many men, have come forward to offer him a shoulder to lean on, and many of Shannon’s closest friends have done so as well.
The other day, when Shannon’s family arrived, her grandpa graciously invited us to go to dinner with them. Cathy, Shannon’s mom and I have known each other well for the nine years they have been together, she is my family, too and I know we are to them. I had never met the aunts and uncle and they are all lovely people. They were so kind to Joey, saying that it was comforting to know that Shannon was with him when she passed. I watched his face, and I could read his mind. He was so sad to be sitting there without her. And then I looked at his hand, and on his finger was her engagement ring. I nearly lost it right there, but I wouldn’t embarrass him or myself. He saw me look. “Mom… it feels wrong to wear it but it feels wrong not to.” I smiled….. “Whatever you need to do for yourself is not wrong. There is no magic recipe for grief.”
Some days are just hard. Last night, the two of us didn’t say anything for hours. Both of us were “off.” I think that after all the arrangements were done, and all things settled as to what we will do, it just got more real. That’s the hard part. It just gets real. All of a sudden it hits you. She won’t be coming back. Admittedly we are having a hard time. I miss her more than anyone knows. She was my other daughter. I miss our long talks and her silliness. And I miss the joy I got watching the two of them, doing things together, their conversation, listening to them laugh and talk.
Last night, both of our bodiesjust gave in to exhaustion, we both fell asleep. I think it is our best night sleep so far. Not great, but better. Yesterday, Joey and I, and Russ and Sara stopped by the cemetery. Sara had a purple butterfly decoration, Shannon’s favorite color, and she put it in the baby’s pot. They are together now. Sara told us, Shannon is in heaven spoiling the baby. We all smiled. But…We are all hurting….
Louie woke me this morning, meowing for his breakfast at my door. He is always reminding me that I need to feed the other animals as well. He will meow and circle me until I go to her room to feed them. He never did that before. “I know Louie! I will feed them too.”
I could hear that Joey was sleeping soundly. I asked Eli, the guinea pig, to please stop whistling and let Joey sleep. And he graciously complied. They know…. I know that they know. They were here when it happened, how could they not know. They miss their mom, but Joey is teaching me to help care for them. I told them I cannot do it as best as she could but I am trying so please, be patient with me. Gizzy rubbed up against my hand, I think assuring me that they understand.
Ask anyone who has visited my house, Shannon has this elaborate set up for her animals and their care is immaculate. They eat well, much supplemented with fresh organic vegetables and fruits. Their cages were constructed by her and their care is a methodical approach. They are healthy and happy.
I need to do some research. Joey has been as meticulous with their care, and spent a lot of time teaching me so I can help him. Shannon loved her critters. I am sure that they miss the constant attention she gave them but he is trying hard. Bentley, the bearded dragon, as been Joey’s jewelry snuggled on his chest a few times. Gizzy, her lion mane rabbit has been brushed and hopping around. Eli has enjoyed being out while Joey cleaned his cage top to bottom. He is skittish and likes his home and toys and to burrow under his fleece.
And Louie? Well, I have explained to him what happened. We had a long talk. He has been very attentive to us. But he watches the door. Waiting. I know he misses her. He knows. He was here when she passed, how could he not know. I know that Joey pouring his love and attention to them keeps Shannon close. Calling and asking to help her grandpa and mom keeps her closer. Hugging her favorite stuffed animals does. It’s just all hard. And as a mom, I have my own pain, but seeing his pain is so much worse….. what I wouldn’t give to carry his. But slowly, he is making his way. I keep reminding him, she died right next to him. The last words spoken to each other, while I drove her home that day were that they loved each other. Not many people are so lucky. They lived here together happy.
His life will never be the same, he knows it and so do I. How could it? When any of us loses the love that is our reason for living, the one who completes us, how do we make it? It was a complete shock. If someone had told me a month ago, I would not have believed them. Unfortunately, young people do die of heart attacks or strokes. We just always assumed that meant other people. Not us. At age 28, your family shouldn’t have to think about these things, but they do. My son was planning a wedding a few weeks ago, not this.
Please, keep him, her mom, and all of us who loved her in your prayers. The road ahead is a tough one, but he will make it. With the love and encouragement of his family, friends and kindness of people, he will make it….
Shannon, do you remember the day of Joey’s back surgery? When I was scared to death and you sat across from me? You kept telling me how strong I was? And I told you that we moms cry in private, because if I cried in front of him he would worry, that he needed me to be strong. That’s where I am today, Shannon. ….You gave me your word that day that you would take care of him and love him his entire life….. I was so comforted in that moment, listening to you talk about him and your life together, and finally understood how much you both truly loved each other…I thought to myself, this is how every couple should love each other, with total commitment,… I am holding you to that promise, little girl…… He needs you right now…. he really does. So watch over him… I cannot do this alone and I need God’s help and yours…….. I doubt very much you could have ever realized the impact your life had on any of us, but especially his….. so, watch over him, and help him…… I am counting on you. And PS… we are all jealous that you are playing with the baby first…. go ahead and spoil him. You always told us he was going to be your baby….
Hugs….. love you forever,
Your second mom