Shannon …. wearing her bearded dragon, Bentley. Her sweet smile makes me smile…..She loved. She really loved. She loved her mom and family…..Joey….her friends….her animals…. her older people…all of us, …..Today, I can talk about it…. maybe…. we will see…
Yesterday, Shannon is gone a week. One week…. I can’t believe that. It feels like a moment ago. I am not sure where the week has gone. We have spent most of it in the same chairs in our living room, numb. We move from crying to silent to crying. My son is still in shock. His heart is so broken. His spirit is broken. It will take a lot to heal him. Not sure he will ever heal totally. He is trying, but it will take time. I watch, praying for healing, wishing I could help him, but all I can do is to listen, to love.
Yesterday was Shannon’s mom birthday. How heartbreaking..I kept thinking about her all day… next week is Joey’s birthday….. sigh…..
Yesterday, for whatever reason we were “off.” Everything we touched either broke or didn’t work. Our fingers would not work, we were a mess. Finally, we each gave unto the grief. We stopped trying so hard to be “normal,” productive. Normal will come, just not today… maybe not next week. Who knows when…. we are trying. I care that there is food to eat and that we have our safe place to cry, to scream, to yell, to pray, to sleep, I don’t care about much else. If you stop by and things are a mess? Oh well….
So many people have written, called, texted and asked how we are. They have given us all a safe haven to grieve. They have listened. I know it is a shock to everyone when someone so young passes away. Believe me, none more shocked than our collective families. If someone had told me in May what an awful summer this would be, I would have never believed them. Honestly, I don’t know where we are all dragging the strength to just keep going.
Last week Friday, Shannon went to work as usual. She worked as a CNA at a nursing home in Lancaster, working with the Alzheimer’s and Dementia patients, a job she was born to do. I used to love to listen to her tell beautiful heartwarming stories. My favorite was that there was a resident that when she saw Shannon, she would call out to her, “Hi Katie! How are you today?” Shannon always responded with kindness, hugs, a cheery hello. One day a fellow worker asked why she didn’t tell the woman her real name. Shannon told her that Katie was the woman’s daughter and she reminded her of the daughter. “If it brings her some pleasure and comfort to know Katie is here, why should that bother me?”
Thats who she was…… I have often thought it a special gift to do such work and whatever that gift was, she had it. A few weeks ago she made a trip to the craft store. Shannon had complimented a resident about an Afghan and the woman told Shannon to buy the purple yard, her favorite color, and she would make one for her. Her people loved her and she loved them. She was the kind of CNA we all hope our parents would have, the kind that actually listened to someone tell the stories of their lives. When men told their war stories, Shannon shared that her grandpa is a Marine, note: he will tell you he was not a Marine, he IS a Marine. Despite age, his Marine spirit is strong. Shannon would listen to stories of their lives and then remember to mention them again.
Yesterday, we all were invited to a service at the home. There were administrators, fellow workers and staff, as well as some of the people from Shannon’s wing that she worked with. They all came up and introduced themselves to her mom Cathy, Joey, Sara and I as well as Cathy’s friend, Roseanne. The service was beautiful and in it several staff got up to talk about Shannon. We all cried. I was a mess…I love Shannon, her death has hit me harder than most people realize. The resident finished the Afghan and gave it to Cathy. One gentleman brought flowers and said he was one of Shannon’s patients.
After the service, the home had laid out some refreshments and we got to meet people. Then one of the administrators took us to Shannon’s area. One woman asked us if Shannon is okay, and we told her that “yes,” she is. That’s not a lie. Shannon is okay… we are not. Many invited us to sit and talk as soon as they knew we were her people.
A lot of people ask us what happened and we try to tell it briefly….. she died of natural cause. That is what the medical examiner told us. That day? That day was right up there with Russell’s death as the worst days of my life. She came home from work and when I left go to Walmart she was exhausted and sleeping. She had a difficult day, and wasnt at her best, and I picked her up and got her into bed. I turned on the air conditioner, wiped her down, got her cool and in a place to rest. I kept checking on her. I talked to her before I left for work. Her last words to me were, “Thank you…. I love you”. Her last to Joey were “I love you, I will see you.” That’s who she was….. a sweet girl, with a whole lot of tattoos that she adored with pets she loved and called her children, with a love of scary movies and all things creepy, with a love of favorite bands, with love for her older folks who were so special to her. Her greatest gift? Just that… Her love. Shannon loved so much, her heart for others was huge.
When Joey got home she was asleep, took two breaths as he laid next to her. Suddenly he realized something was wrong, trying to wake her, and then he realized she was just as suddenly not breathing. He called 911 and they tried. He had tried to revive her in the wait for them. Everyone tried……..
The police were here with Sara and Joey when Cathy and I got here. I cannot say enough of their kindness, and professionalism, in this tragic situation. They explained how they had to look through the house. I told them I didn’t care where they looked or what they touched. Poor Louie was traumatized. They tried to be comforting, they asked about Shannon’s pets, what was the big fuzzy creature as we explained that she was a rabbit. They tried to help us stay calm….. they tried.
We had to wait for the medical examiner who covered every base and then he came out and explained that all of Shannon’s meds were accounted for, there was no other problem, it was simply that she had a heart attack and was gone. He told us of many young people, athletes, who simply had their heart give out. He told us that the cause could,have been a seizure, or a stroke causing her heart to simply stop. He tried to bring comfort…. he tried.
We called Mr. Loomis….again….. second time in a month. He answered the phone right away and when he heard my voice, my cracking voice, he became who his heart is. His sympathy and kind heart kicked in. He talked with the police and then told me they were on their way. He came with his son, fifth generation funeral director of their family run business, to the house. As we waited, despite the police advising us not to, we each went back to the bedroom to see her.
None of us are afraid of death…. she looked so peaceful. I needed to see that…. that she looked like she had no trauma at all, she looked asleep. She was peaceful….Like she simply closed her eyes and her soul went home. I admit that I lost it…. none of us was in good shape. How could we be, this sweet girl was gone and would never come home. None of our lives would ever be the same. I looked at her mom and my son…. and my heart hurt so much. ….. I was in such enormous pain, so what must theirs be? I cannot imagine.
Jim and Evan Loomis arrive in a bit, I went out to the police car to offer the officers water. They were so kind to us, offered to come in and be with us until they arrived but I told them it was okay. Jim and Evan came in and sat down. They patiently heard our stories. They listened and they cared. When they had to move her, they treated Shannon as a person, with dignity and respect. They offered us time to say goodbye, they did not run in and do a job, but instead took time. That’s a whole other blog. But I want to say….there are moments in life where you need people who have a special touch, and I knew they would provide it. They did for Sara and Russ, and they did for Cathy and Joey and they did for our entire family. They treat us as their family. We were not rushed along because their lives are busy. Instead, we were heard….. we were cared about…. and Shannon and us? We were loved.
Cathy decided that we would have a celebration of Shannon’s life…. I think given her young age that is so much more appropriate. She would love that. Friends have rallied around helping us with details. Plans are being made for touches we can add that will make the day very special. Joey is working on a written tribute and he is making a slide show of photos. Sara and I are working on a few projects, that we will start soon.
This road is awful. We have not finished grieving for the baby and here we are in its clutches again. Yesterday was not a good day. Joey and I were both on edge. Her little pets are on edge, especially Louie who keeps looking at us and staring for the door. “I know Louie, she is not coming back, you have to deal with this too. I am so sorry….. we are trying hard. We love you and we will do our best, you have to be patient with us.” I think he understands me. His sadness is evident. Not even his favorite toys bring pleasure the last week. But he and the others are coping. They have been patient with us.
We chalked off the day as a non productive day of grief. Yard work can wait, laundry is okay, I don’t care what needs to be cleaned. There will be many of these days yet to come. I don’t know how when we will heal…. I am not sure we ever will. None of us.
After the service, we went to Cathy’s to at least be together for her birthday. We shared dinner and sat and talked. And we enjoyed a silly Shannon story. Right to the end, that sweet girl had us laughing. The other day, Shannon had tried to help her mom out by doing her laundry. She had called me to ask me if I minded. I asked her to please stop asking me about such things, that it is her home to, and if she wants to wash her mom’s clothes there is no need to ask. But she is Shannon and respectful of our home. Cathy was stopping by after work to collect the clean laundry and Shannon was folding it. “Where do you think these came from,” she asked pulling out a pair of pajamas. Joey just looked at her, “I ALWAYS buy mom’s pajamas.”
When Cathy came in, Shannon, looking the part of mom whose teenager just broke curfew asked, “Do you want to explain this to me?” Cathy looked at her and the pajamas and fumbled her way through that she picked those up at Walmart. “Hmmmm… I see…. I thought I was the one who bought your pajamas.” We laughed at the story, none more than Sara who got tears in her eyes. Shannon always had that effect on Sara and we laughed about that, too. It wasn’t some great birthday party, but it was enough.
We are grateful for our people, family and friends who truly are our family. So many have tried to help us. And we have met people, Shannon’s aunts and uncle, friends, coworkers. And many have told us they have no words, and that is okay. We do not need any really. To be cared about is the greatest gift of all. And in that? We are the richest people we know. Thank you is never enough for the kindness we have been given. People have tried….. we are so much appreciative of. “tried.”
Breathing… there…. I got to say it, not without tears, but I got to. Thanks for listening to me. I am not feeling my best, feel pretty symptomatic and need to pull myself together. Just going to take time.
Hugs…. love you all,
Chris