I feel like one of those cartoon characters. You know. On a road and they get to a whole bunch of detour signs but for sure they pick the wrong one and then they are lost. I am a little lost, admittedly, am a mess…. I am trying very hard to be patient with myself. And I have Dr. Jack as the compass…. I am just having a little trouble getting motivated to move. It’s going to take time… that should be my new theme song.
I started June with this great idea…. I am going to take June, July and August and get myself into a better place in all aspects of my life. I was going to go back to the basics, equaling out all things. Learn to lose these negative people in my life, emotionally detach myself from the stress they bring. Divorce them of the energy they seem to pull from me. I was going to clean up my diet even further. Get on a better plan of more organic, more clean eating because I know that helps me function best. I don’t do well with weirdo foods, not enough water, not enough balance and not enough sleep. I was going to find ways to destress, read more, paint, color, make things, exercise, meditate, and have fun! There’s an idea! To just have fun. I don’t have much fun in my daily life and it’s long past the time to get some. That was a great plan! Doesn’t it sound perfect? It really was…..
That plan? Let’s just stamp it “Total Failure” and move on….. tomorrow is August first, know where I am with that? Yeah…. further back than the bad place I was in when I dreamed it up. And I mean further back, like remember the road back from Hashimoto’s? I am on a detour and it’s not going well….. that is totally honest.
Breathing………
There has been a lot to deal with… end of the school year pressure, the loss of the baby and the loss of Shannon, my children’s grief, my own….. And there is still a ton to deal with….. Way too much to deal with… and I am doing ehhhhhhhh….. struggling a bit. Dr. Jack and others keep telling me I am doing great with it, it feels like a total failure.
Yesterday, I told myself that today I would start down that road of fixing things. But I admit, I am scared and I am not completely motivated. I am tough stuff, but all this has truly taken its toll on me. And I am scared that I don’t have enough fight left in me. But I am still going to try. I have to. I have some motivation but not enough. I am going to struggle here, I know I am, I just have to keep trying to get there, but before I know it, school will be back with no summer break at all, and that is going to be challenging. I have a lot of materials I need to make for school but right now, just day to day is a tough go.
Physically, I can the feel toxic overload, I am Brain fogged, tired, and achy. No doubt about it, emotional stress is the absolute worst. Maybe the fog is just all the stress of everything, not sure. And every single day has been a struggle, but today has to be different….. it has to. I can’t live like this. I know this place and I hate it. I had this great rhythm going, and it totally got blown out of the water.
Yesterday didn’t help much. Joey and Cathy were invited to a birthday celebration for one of Shannon’s friends. It was a nice day watching the Bisons play, and they had fun. Sara and Russ were driving down to Westfield to see Russ’s family. I was here alone. Realizing I was here to grieve in peace, maybe wasn’t the best idea. The tears started and it was bad.. really bad….and I hated the way I was feeling. So I told myself I needed to do something constructive! Stop wasting time. That wasn’t my best idea either.
Although my front yard looks awesome, thanks to Joey and Shannon, the back is terribly overgrown and needs big days of work. So I decided to tackle the house long garden bed behind the house. It was a huge mess of overgrown disaster. I think I worked on it for five hours straight, until my neighbor yelled over that it was too hot. I would weed and till, clean and pull, dig and cry. Then start over, the cycle going on and on and on. Does it show? Yes! Looks much better. And the price tag? Even my fingers hurt. My nails are cracked, I have bruises everywhere, my muscles screamed and I was covered in dirt and sweat. Did it help? Honestly? No…
I got up today, feeling it in every muscle and we went to the grocery store. The grocery store is hard for us. That might sound silly, but the three of us always went together. Shannon made the list, Shannon picked out the animals fresh food, Shannon coordinated the food for herself and Joey. Last week, we both nearly lost it in the vegetable aisle. Today we made it three fourths of the way, reminding each other that we need food in the house. Can’t get back on the road without food.
We put everything away and we each retreated to a quiet place. That’s where I am right now. Then of course, there are always well meaning people who tell me how I am doing all this wrong. That I need to….. and the list is endless. What I really need to do is get back on track.
I have to get moving on this now… regroup…. summer going into fall plan. Yes I have lost my way…. not totally, but somewhat…the sugar monster screams, but I ignore,….. yes it’s going to take a little to get back in the optimal place….yes I lack the total motivation but I have some and some will get me through a few days…
hugs….it’s not just you that has these times. I am not doing this all perfect. And right now I am struggling. One day at a time, sometimes just five minutes at a time.
Chris