Happy Birthday, Joey!

Today is Joey’s birthday, his thirtieth.  My baby boy is thirty, how did that happen so fast?   It’s Wednesday night, as I write this to post tomorrow,   I am watching him across the room.   Sigh…. in a few weeks,  his stress shows.  He looks tired.  It is written across his face.    I should talk when almost every one of my tutoring kids told  me today that I look exhausted.   I really have to try to get my good sleep back.   It will come eventually, just not today.

Yesterday, Cathy, Shannon’s mom, took Joey for lunch to celebrate his birthday.   He wasn’t in the mood for  much fun,  but I know she made it feel okay for him, because he enjoyed it.   She got him a fun card and made it special because today she won’t be around as she has to return to her job.  He enjoyed being with her, he loves Cathy very much and I know she loves him equally.   He just called Shannon’s grandpa to touch base.  Their conversation ended as it always does, “I love you, Grandpa.”

Today will not be an easy day, not many days have been easy the last week and a half.   We have gotten through, cried lots, laughed just a tiny bit, and mostly we just “be.” Last night, we spent hours on the floor with flashlights looking for another escaped cricket that the bearded dragon eats.  Not quite the evening plan.  This was not the birthday Shannon and I had planned for today.  There was to be homemade pasta and sauce, a birthday cake, some family fun.  But there is no sense in rehashing that.  Nothing will change the facts, nothing will magically return to as it was in May, before Joey lost his godson, before Shannon left us.  And he isn’t in the mood. He doesn’t feel like presents or cards, just keeping it simple because I asked him to please at least acknowledge the day with something.   After all, to me, this is an important day.   I know it isn’t a party mood but quiet and peaceful works too.

I look at him across the room and I hope he does not see my eyes fill with tears.  I work hard to wipe them before he looks.  I can’t help it.  I think about the pure joy inside me on the day he was born, how happy I was.  I fell in love with him before I knew who he was and more when I saw his cute little face.  I loved watching him grow, and loved being with him. He and his sister got me through some tough times with their silliness and laughter.  Some of my favorite memories are so many camping trips we took in our old rickety pop up camper, and all the funny things that he used to do. I think of the many times, I wanted to help him with things, but my kids are independent and he, especially, always told me, “Don’t worry, Mom, I can do it.”

I doubt that he knows now, that as I look at him,  how proud I am of the man he is, how truly proud I am to know him.   I doubt he knows that I not only do I love him, I like him.  He is a good friend to all his buddies, loyal, never talks behind anyone’s back.   He is a man of honor, carrying a personal code of ethics that he lives by.  He is extremely respectful of authority, of women, kind to children and animals.  He is honest and he lives by the only thing of true value we each own, his integrity.

Joey was always a good boy.   When he was little, he was always fun.  I have a boat load of stories that I think are cute, but he would find embarrassing.   I won’t tell them, well, not at least today.   I don’t want to rock the boat today.  He needs peace more than anything.   He is lost without his beautiful love.  I ask if he wants to talk, for me to help him, do his laundry, help in any way, ” Don’t worry, Mom, I can do it.”

I look at him and think what a good son he is  to me and his father, but also,  to Cathy.  He calls her and checks on her every day, and  wants to be with her, to do things to help.  The other day, she got some bad sunburn, and the next morning, he jumped in his car, bought aloe, some Gatorade, and some M & M’s to drop off.    I cried when he told me, thinking how sweet and thoughtful he is.  The night of Cathy’s birthday, he stopped to buy some ice cream.  I asked if he needed cash, “Don’t worry, Mom, I can do it.”    His heart is soooooooo big…. and people who over big  hurt equally as big, I am living proof. But we wouldn’t be any other way, we don’t know how.

It isn’t just Cathy….. Each time Sara had miscarried, he was in his car with Shannon, rushing to her side.  Anything his sister needs, he is there.   He loves Russ and wants to always spend time together, laughing, doing jobs,  hanging out, messing with cars, being together.  When the baby left us, he asked to leave work, picked up Shannon and came to hold their godchild.  He hugged his sister and let her cry on him.   He told her he loved her.  He was stoic at the baby’s funeral, there for the family, just as he always has been.

He bought Shannon flowers for her room all the time, including last weekend, after she left us.  He was always stopping to buy some special dessert, massaging her aching back, making her laugh and smile,  doing sweet thoughtful things, and loving her with all his heart.     Today, he cleaned the animals cages, top to bottom, bought fresh food, chopped fresh fruit and veggies for them, his kids as he calls them.  After he ate dinner, he went outside to water the plants that Shannon so lovingly put in, that are blooming like crazy.

Despite his grief, Joey went with his sister to help her with a task today.  He would never do otherwise, she needs him, he is in his car.   He moved a dresser for his dad.  He has reached out to friends, and he has especially spent love on Louie, Gizzy, Bentley and Eli.   He sits here and tries to make things for the Celebration of Life.   Sometimes, his grief stops him and then he can’t go on, but he tries.  He so much wants it to be beautiful for her.  I help with a few projects, we work together and offer to do the ones that stump him, “Don’t worry, Mom, I can do it.”

I don’t want to get even more weepy than I am, but we have spent a lot of time talking about everything.   Long, long talks, some easy, some hard.   Every night,  he hugs me, and tells me how much he loves me….. yeah, I am proud.

Today wont be the day either of us hoped for, but we will get through.  My heart will hurt and so will his, so will Cathy’s and so many others.   I look at him and wonder how he will ever get past this place, but then I think about those words, “Don’t worry, Mom, I can do it.”   I breathe a little easier, he lives by his word.   It definitely won’t be today, maybe not next month or even a year, but he will be okay eventually. He is trying so hard to be strong, to be stoic. He can do it, I still just worry.

As you read this, send him a little prayer,  please. Or even wish him well, he does read here all the time. And your words might keep him going today.  It won’t be his easiest day, but he will make it.  He is cut from the same steel I am, and he will make it.

Happy Birthday, Joey!  Remember when you were little?  You would ask me, with your eyes all lit up and bursting for what would happen,  how much I loved you.   I would wrap you up tight and squishy hug you and tell you thissssssssssssss much.  You would laugh and ask me again and again.  Remember? My crazy broken car door?  And you would run to get to the car first, and as I had to crawl over you, I would stop and hug you, “Mom, squish me like bug.”   You always made me laugh and smile with your imaginary stories and the creative things you dreamed up.    At the time I didn’t think I could love you any more because my heart would burst,  but I was soooooo wrong. I do love you more today than I ever did and I am so glad to be your mom.   You, Sara, Shannon and Russ are everything to me…. you are  my greatest treasure! You are the best son ever.     I know it won’t be a great birthday, not your best, but I still hope it at least feels okay at the end of the day.  I wish I could take this load from your heart… but I can’t.  All I can do is walk beside you, and hold your hand.   Just so you know, I know you can do it, but I am your mom and I will always worry, it came the day I looked at your sweet face for the first time, thirty years ago, when I wanted to protect you from every hurt that I could.    I know today is not your best day, but just so you know, this day thirty years ago was one of the best days of my entire life.  And every birthday I get to spend with you is a gift that makes my heart sing.      Love you, little boy, with all my heart,  I have from the first day I knew you were in me.

Hugs, love you thisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss much,

Mom