Ever been on a road trip? And all of a sudden you get a bit lost? You find yourself on an unfamiliar road, that leads you to another unfamiliar road and that leads you to someplace you really don’t even want to be? It is dark and scary there and you want to get out but you keep traveling in circles. You stop and ask directions but you can’t even comprehend them because in your head, you are all twisted around and don’t know which way you are going. You meet familiar faces who try to help you but you just keep wandering. You can’t find your way out, and you are tired of the scenery. But you just don’t care because you think you are just stuck here and you will never find a way out again. And then suddenly you see a sign that shows you the way back.
There is always a cost to the detour between time and money and then, of course, you are annoyed because of the ground you lost?
Yeah….. that’s me. Wandering in this deep ugly place, and not caring that I did.
I have been lost for awhile. I know you understand why. School will be starting in a few short weeks and I feel like I am going back exhausted. There has been no fun, no time to just be, no books read, no fun art projects, no evenings on the porch, no get aways for the day, no lunches with friends….. this was not the rejeuvinating experience I had sadly needed. Instead, it has been a summer of tears and grief, of so much sadness. Worst summer of my entire life. Worse than the summer I lost my mom….. worse then the summers I worked the whole summer…… the absolute worst.
The other day, I walked by the mirror and caught the reflection of my face. I look exhausted. I thought that it is like I am wearing it like a badge. Oh yeah, I am exhausted. Tired, achy, sore. The dark circles returned under my eyes, I have a few problems keeping my thoughts collected. Sleep? What’s that? Itchy skin, bad nails. Brain foggy, I feel…. symptomatic. Add on some extra pounds that I just didn’t care about, and yeah…. detour. Huge massive detour, I have slid backwards. I forgive myself but I have to face facts.
The baby’s death and Shannon’s death were the the biggest detours but there were smaller detours before that. Lots of them. Little things that got to me, derailed progress, stresses that I allowed in. I could write for days about all that, it won’t change it. That part is the part that needs to change the most. I seriously need to stop and start taking the same care of me that I do of others.
So, I have to regroup here. Because this is clearly not going to work for me. I need to get myself on the path again. Turn around and wave goodbye to the detour and move on. That’s where I am today, kind of like…. I crawled out of the detour, and there is a big rock on the path and here is where I have stopped to rest. The road ahead looks enormous but it did last October too, when I started. As Dr. Jack pointed out to me then, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Well, the fact is the other runners have all passed me, got to the finish line and went home, but I still have to keep going. I understand that.
I know how awful I could feel, and I know how great I could feel, so, I have to choose to feel better, and just do what I need to do to make that happen. The grief is not going to magically disappear, and neither is a lot of the stress, so all I can do is to do my best to take better care of myself. I need a total overhaul here.
In regards to that, I have lapsed. If I really stop to look at it, when I was on the road to healthy, I had better habits. I was more methodical in my approach, more regimented. I could tell you at any given time how much water I drank, what I ate that day and what I planned to eat. Now? Not so much. Yesterday is a perfect example. I had s salad for lunch, some fish for dinner…. did I eat breakfast? Um… I think I had some organic coffee, yeah, didn’t I? Did I eat anything in my break? No… wait… didn’t I eat almonds? How many? Wait wasn’t that the day before. Yeah…. that’s what is going on.
I used to be totally focused on the goal, lose some weight but most importantly, lose the symptoms and gain my healthiest self. Now? It’s not that I don’t want it, I just couldn’t stop to think about it. My head was occupied by too much else. It was easier to feed the emotions. Eat more than I usually would. Old habit, numb the pain with food. It’s not that I ate horrible stuff, but I wasn’t conscious. So I ate more than I would have, filled myself. I ate late, a habit I had broken, I lost the methodical way I dealt.
I used to bag up the supplements I take, and have them ready the week before. Now I am more shake and take. Do I get them all in? Not sure.
I had regular days where I went to the Y. Now? Ummm…….
I had a regular sleep schedule. Now? Sleep? Since I have been wearing the Fitbit my class bought me, I see why I am exhausted. Some days I sleep four hours and of course mid afternoon comes and I could drop anywhere. I wake up with my head racing, I cry, I fall back asleep, I wake up jolted, I worry and worry and worry. This is clearly not working.
The cost? A bunch of pounds, some symptoms and a lot of self recrimination. Far too much of that. And what good will come of that?
Well…… I can stand here whining about it or change it. And change is really the only option. Never going back, so just need to sit here on the road for a second and regroup, breathe, sleep, and regroup.
Going forward, it’s a pretty simple plan, start over. I really do feel awful about the detours, that I allowed things to get in my way. But often, I forget that I am human. I have such high expectations of myself that I never would place on another human being I know.
I need to get through this week. It’s Shannon’s Celebration of Life on Wednesday, and during this time I, at least, need to make some baby steps back. I need to do the mental work necessary to be more conscious of all things. I didn’t purposely try to take my health for granted but that is kind of what I did. I understand why, but I need to just pull myself together and keep moving forward.
This is still a hard time. So many days, I still cry. Shannon’s mom came to collect some of her things. I admit that before she did, I sat on the floor of her room, wrapped myself in her jacket and sobbed. This has been awful. I keep trying to smile, imagining her playing with the baby, but it is still so hard. My heart hurts for them both. And then, I cry for all of us left behind. I am trying…. it’s just hard.
I made it through this summer…that is something, right? … forever changed by it…. can’t believe it still….wishing I could turn back the clock and fix it all…wishing it was a bad June dream and never happened……. lost two people I dearly loved with all my heart….watched my children hurt so much I could barely breathe….. wished I could carry their pain…… hurt myself by not taking care of myself….. yes, forever changed.
My heart is pretty bruised and it feels broken, shattered, but there are those who need me, and somehow, I have to pull it together for them. I have to reach inside here and find what it takes to just push forward.
Why don’t you walk with me? Then I won’t be alone.