You are going to pay for it…. that’s the truth about stress…. you will pay and you will pay big.
So the truth about me is that I am super at letting stress invade my mind and body. I mean I am skilled! I talk about stress, I think I handle it. I am not handling it, it is handling me!
And the truth is that this summer was just the final topping on the cake. That stress had been building all year. And Dr. Jack kept telling me that I needed to do something about it. I was hearing him, I just wasn’t listening. I kept thinking, pffftttttt…. I will be fine, it is just a little set back, well the truth is, the little setback is like more like a nine month setback. I am angry with myself. I should be in a better place! And believe me I have paid for that mindset with a list…. extra weight… awful beginnings of symptoms…. less sleep and stress…. don’t even get me started.
So what’s the truth about the stress? The truth about the stress is, if you have ever sat at a Dr. Jack seminar, then you have heard about stress. Dr. Jack always talks about the role of physical, chemical and emotional stress, and its effects on weight loss efforts and symptomology. I have heard that countless times. I could repeat it verbatim. Oh, I heard it but was I really listening? Again no. Obviously no because I didn’t take care of it.
But now I am living proof of what it does, and what it does if you ignore it. I am the three ring circus of stress. Here is where the glitch is. I had a tonnnnnnnn of emotional stress that reached its max this summer. That created physical stress, as I was constantly tense, my muscles sore and achy, and the harder the stress fought, the harder I thought I fought it, rather than just understand and distress. I didn’t help it. I made it worse! That produced chemical stress, because hormone wise? Holy cow…… juggling all the balls in the air and throwing in more. So of course, at some point one was going to fall, and then they all fell!
So, here I am… the new poster girl for Hashimoto’s and. what stress does to you, how it totally changes the game. I feel like a mess…. a toxic waste dump of chemicals I collected, my weight is up, symptomatic, tired, crying, exhausted mess.
I have tried to eat the grief, clothe myself and protect myself from further damage and I just didn’t care. I could only care about one thing, and I wasn’t it. Was I a priority? No. So what damage the stress didn’t do, well, no worries. I finished the job for it. And all of that just became a vicious cycle of pain, self medicated food, pain, food, pain, food…… not awful stuff, but late eating, too much, just too much more than I actually need….
The cycle was endless and vicious….
Old patterns of survival…. ahhh… there you are old friend…. self destructive friend…..
Breathe………
Thursday, was the day after Shannon’s Celebration of Life. It was a beautiful celebration attended by many, and many in spirit. It came off wonderful, minus us forgetting a few trays of food in the fridge. People were complimentary about what we did.
I was in my car, driving home from one of my tutoring kids, thinking about it when the wave of grief hit and I started to cry. I was thinking and then it happened, it hit me….. what the heck has happened here? How did I get here? How did I lose these two people? I have grieving kids, I am grieving. And then I started realizing how awful I feel, and to panic, about how am I getting out of this place? I can’t go further into this place. I am in trouble!! Big trouble! I am a walking disaster!! How am I ever going to regroup! School starts back, my crazy hectic life resumes in a week! I am in big, huge trouble!
Please help me……. it all came back. Last year, this is where I was! How the heck did I get here???
I did ask Dr. Jack very honestly….. is it possible for me to regroup here or have I done so much damage that it is hopeless. He explained gently, that this has been a very tough summer, and it is possible to regroup if I can get my head in the right space, and that he can help me physically. However, if the grief is too much I made need more help because all that is going to do is deter progress.
I chewed on that for awhile. The grief is awful….. it wakes me, it makes me tense. I can’t fix this for my kids. I can’t fix it for myself. But for now, it is normal grief. It just is a lot of it! And I picked the worst of all possible ways to handle it, even though I thought I was totally past this dumb place, I wasn’t. I wasweak and vulnerable and in it charged. And I? I threw open the doors and welcomed it!
Again, breathe……
Start over…
This week, I am only focused on regrouping my head. I printed off some journal pages to transition back. Get things back mentally while getting things back into a more positive pattern. I am not jumping on the scale. I think if I see the number, it will feel hopeless, and I won’t do that to myself. I need my health back. Period, that’s all this is about.
I ordered the full set of supplements. No more shake and take. Back to basics. Heading to get groceries, no more haphazard throw it in the cart. What do I need to have here to help myself? What needs to be available?
Back to basics, yes. Start getting into the groove again, one step at a time and making a commitment against stress.
We will see how this goes….. I am nervous, can I get this back,but I am determined even more than I was before. I forgive myself for what happened. All things considered, I guess I held some of it together. I hope I have the strength I am going to need to do this better this time. It was definitely a learning experience.
I rested here on this spot too long, now I have to keep walking this road back from Hashimoto’s. I can do it! I have to….