The last few months show. Holy cow, they show…..I see it, in weight, in symptoms, on my face, in my lack of sleep, and my racing mind, but worst of all? My foggy thought process.
I could write six blogs about that… it really won’t change anything. And, over the last two months, each week I would tell myself that I needed to regroup, but then more happened. And really, all I was doing was setting myself up for failure. Because if you want to be successful at changing your health, you have to be mentally THERE and I wasn’t. You cannot fix what you are mentally unprepared for. My mind was occupied by grief, my own and my family’s. Not an excuse, just a fact.
Yesterday, we lost another person. Dear Father Jack, my brother in law’s cousin, to stage four lung cancer, never having smoked a day in his life. He is the second person I know that this awful tragedy happened to. Too many people lately…. too many in this family. Father Jack was the epitome of what a priest should be. He worked at several colleges and has touched countless people’s lives. When you ask people what they will remember about him, it will be his smile, his love of God, and his ability to teach about God without ever saying a single word. Our family will miss his jovial smile, his love, his exhuberance for life, and the fun he brought to every family party. Another person to miss at family dinners… more grief. It’s taking its toll.
Last week, on Tuesday, I had a phone appointment with Dr. Jack and we talked about my grief for a bit. It was one of the most eye opening meetings we ever had. I always take notes when I meet with people in person or on the phone. It is a habit left over from my most brain fogged times. I do it because I never used to remember what was decided. It became habit that stuck and I like it because it is easier to go back and think about what was discussed.
Dr. Jack mentioned to me that my grief is showing in many ways, that in so many of my emails, I seem so tired. While listening to him, I jotted down “Tiered.” I listened to him talk but my gaze was riveted to what I wrote….tiered?? What the heck…. I do not misspell words and certainly not tired. I thought wow….. how tired I really must be!
The details of our conversation are kind of personal to me….. but suffice to say,I spent the better part of the week thinking about it, I am still thinking about it every day. I need a rewind and total do over. I am a mess… a physical, mental, emotional wreck and that’s it, not accepting that fate. Sorry….rewind….redo…. I am not criticizing myself. I think I did the best I could with the circumstances I was faced with, and I forgive that. Maybe I could have done better, but it doesn’t matter now. I just have to fix things. I know I have a big job to do, but I also have a better understanding of it. In the midst of trying to cure myself, I learned a ton! Life happened while it was going on, bringing valuable lessons that are needed to actually totally cure myself. Yes, they came with some back sliding, so what? As long as I don’t stay here, that is still progress. And believe me, I won’t be staying here…. yesterday taught me that.
That “tired/ tiered” thing manifested itself again yesterday, Joey and I ran to the grocery store because I have a busy weekend, two family showers and school work to get ready. While at the store, I called my sister to clarify a few things for today’s celebration. As we are walking out of the store, I said to Joey, “What did I do with my phone?” “Mom, are you okay? You are talking on your phone.” Oh…. yeah….. sighhhhhhhh…. oh yes! I recognize you, old enemy of mine…… Brain fog…..
Yes, Brain fog…. here it comes. My old nemisis…… Yeah, that’s it… not doing brain fog…..the final stop. The few pounds I was miserable about…. the symptoms? Annoying, but when you are misspelling simple words and can’t remember things and the brain fog is returning? Yeah, I am done now. The temper tantrum of grief has to stop. I cannot and will not go back to that way of life. That was way too hard.
So, Monday, I am beginning a total redo. No more organic coffee, get rid of anything processed, back to the basics, get myself in check redo. I am trying to pick up all the great habits I had, drinking enough water, journaling my food intake, being more careful about what I am taking in, back to bagged up supplements for the day, getting on a better sleep schedule, and just rewind. This time? Pick up some other life changers…… handling stress better….. learning to let go of what I cannot control…if I can do all that? In a few months, I will totally feel like myself again, even better than before!
I know the grief will still creep up, I know it will. It did yesterday as I sat at the shower. I wanted to just sit there and cry. Too m aybthings just came up in my head, but I handled them. Me not taking care of my health, and punishing myself through bad habits isn’t going to bring anyone back. The regular stresses of my life aren’t going anywhere so I need better coping mechanisms. I have to just get myself pulled together here. I need a great plan… oh yeah! Hello! I already have one! Thankfully, I have an awesome plan and the best guide in the world.
Back on the Road Back from Hashimoto’s…. see you at the finish line. I may be the last one there, and I may be crawling there after the other people have gone home, but I am going to get there… with a learning curve I had not expected, life changing moments….. it’s okay though. The first thing Dr. Jack ever told me? “This is a marathon, not a sprint.” Lessons learned….adios detour, it’s been real…. move on.