Well….. after a lot of inner fighting, arguing, soul searching, and needless turmoil, I decided to make a change. I gave up my second job and moved job three to slot two. Yes, I was working three jobs. That’s why I don’t write here as often!
I teach school during the day, then I worked at Walmart, job two, and took on some tutoring kids as job three and I mean like ten kids, not one or two. I was driving myself like no one I know. And looking in, I can see just how unhealthy that was, but as always, it took some prodding on Dr. Jack’s part to make me see what I could not see. That I was on a road that was totally stressing me out and I am stuck because of it. Stuck in weight, stuck in symptoms, stuck…..
This week I gave my two weeks notice to job two. Now that might not seem like a big thing to anyone but it was huge for me. You see, I have a terrible habit of hanging onto things that aren’t working for me even though I know they aren’t working. I just tell myself, to suck it up. Stop being such a baby! You are being lazy. Yeah, my inner chatter is totally different than the sweet things I say to others. I often think that people tell me I am encouraging and kindnto everyone, and I silently think, that I am except to one person who I torture continuously. Me.
I have always worked two jobs for as long as I can remember. When my kids were in private high school and college, I settled into a pattern of two job life and never got out. I worked at a dry cleaners down the road from my old school and it was a nice little job. The pay wasn’t great but I could bring my homework to work on when I finished my tasks. It was quiet there, I got my school work done and had the extra money to pay tuition. When the business sold, I worked at a rectory, doing some bookkeeping and then went onto Walmart.
I have enjoyed the people I worked with, I have made many friends who will be lifetime friends. I love them all and we got very close. But retail isn’t the easiest job, in terms of the public. Everything people say about working with the public is true….. I could write a book about my experience that most people would believe to be fiction. I have been called names I didn’t even understand until I looked them up, felt physically threatened, had cans thrown at me. Most customers are nice people but then there are the bad apples who just are awful to you no matter how you try to help them. I often thanked God I didn’t have to live with them.
Still, I plugged along. Last year, I found myself in some financial need and Dr. Jack asked me why I didn’t think of tutoring on the side for a little extra cash. I never did, mostly thinking tutoring is so far and few between. But it turned out there was a need and I found myself pretty much booked up with any free time I had. In spring it really picked and I was literally leaving at six forty five in the morning and returning home at ten thirty after school, tutoring and onto Walmart. I was booked every day and often on weekends for my kids who played sports.
The tutoring paid the extra I needed. And most beneficial of all? I loved it. The kids I have are a unique mix of children from fourth through ninth grade. And I love them all. They are excited to learn, and fun to be with. We laugh, we work hard, we talk about life, about challenges, and every single one leaves with a smile and ,”Thank you Mrs. O!” They come with their lists of things they need to master and I love the look they give when I explain it so they understand. I study them, their learning styles, the way they think and analyze problems, and then I find different ways to help them wrap their heads around different things. One told me that her teacher was so impressed with something I taught her, that she was asked to teach that method to the class.
As my little base of kids have grown, I decided something has to go. I am driving myself like no one should. And I mean driving. I am teaching two brand new courses at school for which I have no materials. So I worked all summer through my grief, while trying to compile the best resources I could. I still was dissatisfied with what I had and continue to work hard to put together all of that on top of my regular teaching work. I have never ever been the teacher who pulls out the September folder and done the same thing every year. That’s not my style. I rework everything every year tomsuit the bunch in front of me. Children need different materials to understand math. No two are the same.
And…… all of that on top of the hardest summer of my entire life. Believe me, it shows. Summer totally shows. I am exhausted allllll the time, I could sleep for days. I have gutted my diet and gone back to basics. I have made some huge changes but I am still feeling the Hashimoto symptoms, that are slowly disappearing. My weight is still stagnant, I can feel it but that’s okay…… I know I need to just do what I can here and wait for my body to catch up. But at the same time, I need to factor out what I can.
Add onto that regular living…. housework….laundry….groceries….errands….yard work…my grief that is still soooooo much a part of my daily life..mom worries…..watching my children in pain….trying to help them….. and then find time to enjoy life? Ummmm…. that went a long time ago. The only fun thing I did this summer was take Sara to see the Little Mermaid at Shea’s. That was it. Hope I enjoyed it, that was it.
That’s where my head has been for a long time….. I work. But what else do I do? Umm….. not much. I don’t have time to make my kids a weekend meal, I don’t have but ever five or ten minutes to talk, and I haven’t made Thanksgiving since I started working retail. Always shrugged it all off, “I have to work.” Missed so many social things, family parties, events I would have enjoyed. Missed sitting down to talk to it kids, play with Bailey. Someone asked me the other day if I ever “date” and I laughed so hard….. yeah like I got time for that! Are you kidding me? Who has time for any of that? Not me.
I don’t have time for my beloved crafty projects, my creative things I enjoy. I pray in my car, hope God doesn’t mind that, and ten minutes each morning, but no time to just sit and pray when I feel the need. I haven’t read a whole book for pleasure in years. I read a few books Dr. Jack recommended in ten minute increments. I listen to Rob’s work in my car. I haven’t sewed anything, haven’t finished painting a rock I started in spring. I haven’t gone to movie since I took Joey to see Lord of the Rings in middle school, NO I am not kidding! That was the last movie I went to see. No time.
I don’t go to lunch with friends, I don’t color anymore, I don’t listen to music and I don’t find time to swim at the Y. I work…… and when I am not working, I work on schoo, things, so technically, I am working.
Something has to give…. summer taught me that. Work? I need the money, I am a single adult who owns a home and I need the money. But my soul needs to be fed too. And it has been starved. It is totally malnourished. Last week, I wrote Dr. Jack an email, one of total frustration to someone I knew would listen to me, and he replied that he felt like a gerbil on a wheel, that we keep having this same conversation. It struck a nerve. Why DO I keep going round and round about things that should be easy decisions. Why do I torture myself. Well that’s a whole other blog.
Changes are never easy. Maybe I will regret this one, not sure. But I have to try to carve a little tiny life out for myself, not a big life, just a little one. The truth is I miss my kids, I miss the baby, I miss Shannon, I miss my friends and my family. I miss my creative projects, I miss fun…..
I know change is hard…. for anyone. You read this far because it struck a nerve with you too. And you are sitting there thinking, yeah! I know exactly where she is and I am there, too! So, don’t wait as long as I have. I have waited far too long. Make one change in your life. Sometimes you just need to make a huge leap of faith and go for it! Do one thing to shake it up.
Summer taught me so much. Mostly, that life is way too short to just never enjoy anything. It’s long past the time I did something nice for me! And it’s long past the time you did it for you, too!
Decide! And go for it with me! Hugs!