“Don’t you get tired of not eating anything fun, like don’t you just want a slice of pizza once in awhile ?” Hmmmmm….. do I miss stuff? Of course! If I didn’t I wouldn’t be very human would I? I do miss things. Today I miss toast, and I know exactlyyyyyyy why…. But I always remind myself what those things do to me. I will give you a crazy example that I have to start cutting out this week….because it is doing so much harm to my head and my gut and making me think about toast. And I know it’s holding up progress….. Catholic Communion….. no lie.
My faith is important to me. After the summer I had, I doubt I would be standing without my faith. That’s all that got me through, my faith and good people. I was born Catholic, and our faith was always important to our family. I go to Mass twice a week with my class and once on the weekend. Always go to communion. Hello! I am a Catholic! That’s what we do since the day of our First Communion. It is the one of the most important parts of the Mass.
But every time I do, I have a reaction to it. Not one time. Every single time. And it took me forever to figure it out. Why does my tummy hurt? Why am I suddenly craving food? Why? It’s a flattened bread made with wheat. No it isnt a slice, it is tiny, one inch in diameter and wreaking havoc on me. What happens? I get this slight tummy ache, that continues to hurt a bit, I can feel it then and after, but the other effect is far worse. I don’t know why…. I should have asked Dr. Jack to write this part. I am sure there is a scientific answer, but it seriously makes me crave sugar like you wouldn’t believe. And I mean for daysssssss after. Like as soon as Mass is over, I want toast.
Now what is really weird is I don’t have the same reaction to vegetables that are slightly sugary, like peppers or tomatoes, but I eat those very moderately. I found I did react to tomatoes so I don’t eat a lot of those, or carrots. I eat more green things and more red and orange peppers instead. And I react less to carrots than tomatoes. But Communion?? Bring on the cookies! Where can I get a breakfast sandwich? I really need a few crackers. Why do I want those now? I attribute the whole thing to the fact that I have always had over the top reactions to things, whether they be cosmetics, medication, food allergies. So why would a taste of wheat be different? I think I was a wheat, sugar aholic! Or that it is trigger response to something inside it.
I kept telling myself, it’s Communion and I am Catholic, I need to suck it up for crying out loud. I need to just do it, to suck it up, offer it up. After all you are asking me to break a fifty eight year habit. What would my parents say about it? Catholic guilt. You go to Mass you get Communion. No deviating from the system that has been in place for centuries. I mean even though Catholic rules state you have to fast for an hour before Communion, I still fast from midnight most times. That is what is what my parents planted in me.
I mentioned my gluten problem to a friend who lives a gluten free lifestyle. She told me that I could receive the wine instead, but I won’t do that either. I don’t drink, not even socially. When I was younger and went out with friends, I occasionally had a drink. I don’t know. Just never got into it. It’s kind of funny though because my parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles all made their own wine.
On Sundays, when people visited our house, my father was so proud of his wine. He would bring it out and there would be a lot of Hungarian words of compliment thrown around at how wonderful it was. He and his brother would compare notes regarding the wine making. Every fall boxes of grapes were delivered to our house and we got to help grind them. It was an interesting process and although in that generation, we would have been allowed a taste, I did so once and thought ewwwwww and never again. Lol
How did I get side tracked here! Ha ha… oh yeah, that I don’t drink wine. So this week, after taking my class to Mass, I took communion and the next thing I know? Here come the cravings. I had been fine all week! And I can’t stop thinking about them now. What I wouldn’t give for a piece of toast today….. so yeah, it’s got to go.
What I have learned for myself is one bite of it, one tiny bite is too much and a thousand wouldn’t fill me. I know that it sets off some kind of addictive thing in my head. See? Why didn’t I ask Dr. Jack about that beforeeeeeee I wrote this? He would be able to explain it so much better than I. Friday when it started was not my best day.
First off, I was trying to have a good detox day and was avoiding certain foods. My tiny toxic bucket fills up fast and I need to just clean my inside more often than others. And a sweet school mom brought in pizza for our lunch. Normally I can just walk away and not even think about it, but it was calling me. One bite won’t hurt…… I picked up my phone and started sending emails and texts, anythinggggggggggg to avoid focusing on it as it grew larger and larger in my head.
It kept growing…. and I kept watching the clock, telling myself just a few more minutes and it will be over. Was it over? Obviously not because I am still thinking about it! Sigh…. it’s not just you! And I am no stronger than anyone else. And inside I fight about it, too. But I study it, and try to learn from it all. What’s the triggers for you? Some stuff has addictive stuff in it, that has to be what it is… some addictive compound.
You can buy gluten free hosts, take them to Mass, ask the priest to bless them, receive them off to the side. Ummm…. yeah…. I don’t like standing out in a crowd and I will pass on that.
I have learned the hard way what my off limits things are. So Communion? Well, by Catholic rules, I have to receive it once a year. Yes, I did check to be sure the rule stayed the same. So once a year, I will deal with it. But weekly? The fight is becoming too hard so it has to go. I know God understands, after all, He wants only good for me, and who else would have sent Dr. Jack?