I am away for the night, as I traveled with my family to Syracuse for the state championship for marching band. Internet connections being what they are in some places, my friend Cindy called, and our connection was lost. It was an unexpected call, and I was surprised to see her husband’s name pop up in messenger. I wanted to call back but It would not be easy to talk here, too much going on, and I would hate to have to keep,calling back, as our connection not good, but my heart is with her tonight, I keep thinking about her.
She was having a tough day. Today was their wedding anniversary. The sadness is that she lost her beloved husband and best friend not that long ago. Her family has suffered so much loss, just as mine has. She was upset as she described a day I am sooooo familiar with. The day where everything is just so wrong. She was hurting and in our short conversation, before our connection lost, she mentioned that we are such strong people, that we see all these signs that our loved ones are nearby and how much she wished she had that.
I didn’t want to tell her, that we aren’t all that strong, and where others see coincidence, well I don’t believe in coincidence. People tell me all the time that I want to see signs, which is why I do. I just smile…. believe what you will. I think I look for signs. My faith is in something much stronger than coincidences.
We are not as strong as people think we are. Oh don’t get me wrong, we are tough stock but ……… We just doing a great job of hiding the awful days. I try not to talk about those days. We have plenty of them, far too many, but we just keep plugging along. Do we cry some days? Absolutely! We all do. Sara was in a funk the other day as was I, because it was the baby’s birth date. A rough day….I stood over his spot at the cemetery and sobbed, telling him, to always know he is loved. I just didn’t tell anyone I did.
Joey and I still can’t get through the grocery store without one or both of us feeling awful. I don’t mean once in awhile, I mean every week. Shannon was always with us, making it silly fun, and we can’t get through three aisles without hurting for her. He looks at me and I look at him, both of us trying to put on a good front for the other, but we aren’t fooling each other.
We have some terrible days were nothing goes right, where everything we touch just doesn’t work or breaks, just funky days. Days where I think the best thing would be if we locked the door, screamed, yelled and just sat in our pajamas hiding from the rest of the world.
I try not to talk about those days, because I hate to be Debbie Downer. I mean I try to give other people hope here but keep it real at the same time. That’s a tough balance right now. But I just make myself focus on the positive things as we continue to ride the tail end of the big storm. I am loving proof of the toll stress takes. My weight is stagnant but my symptoms have slowly improved as I struggle through,
Tonight, my heart hurts…. for her, I can’t imagine how hard it is to lose your spouse, truly your best and closest friend, Mark and Cindy were together forever. They met as teens, in camping club, and they fell in love. They have always been a cute couple, just cute together, even after two kids and a lifetime together, just cute. Both of them were people who have huge hearts for others including their family and each other, Mark was a devoted husband and father. And Cindy, a loving wife and mother, whose entire life was her family. They loved their friends, many who have been lifelong friends.
Our families became close because I had taught with her mother in law, her nephew has been my son’s best friend since they were four, and we all camped together. Our families just clicked and they became lifetime friends. Not a Christmas went by that we didn’t go to their house to share Nancy’s famous pizza fondue, a dish Joey loves on New Year’s Eve. They are the sweetest family, always there for us, and I love them all.
Mark was a special man, and I came to find out that he and my brother went to high school together. Over the years, we all became extended family. His death was a shock, totally unexpected. Here one day, gone the next, long before he should
One of my sweetest memories of Mark was centered around a time when we had to get rid of our old conversion van that pulled our archaic pop up camper. Mark called and told me that whenever I wanted to camp, I should just call him and he would bring his truck and pull the camper anywhere I wanted it to go. My heart was so touched by his kind gesture. We had many great conversations about life, about things that were important.
My mother was particularly fond of Mark and she always prayed he would get the kidney transplant he needed. He was very special to her.
Our collective families have faced too much death. Mark’s mom, their dogs, aunts, uncles, my parents, the baby, and Shannon. We were there for their family at those times, and they for us. That is what families do. When Cindy called tonight, I could feel her pain, my heart hurt for her. I admit I dried a few tears for her. I thought of Joey and how much he stil hurts.
Cindy was having one of those awful days. We have too many of them still. It was a day of intense pain, one where she longed for any sign that Mark is still with her. Yearning for something to hang onto is painful both physically and mentally. Grief is such a terrible road, it does not discriminate, it cares nothing about where you are at the moment, it could care less about time or place, and shows up so unexpectedly, an uninvited guest in your heart and mind. It is so hard and no one is immune from it.
Sometimes that pain is unbearable, today it was for Cindy. If you have a spare prayer today, please send one her way. Like all of us, she doesn’t realize how strong she really is. Today she can’t see it. Down the road, she will wonder how she made it through. I know we do. I tell Joey and Russ and Sara… we get upmevery day, we show up for life. Some days that’s all we can do.
She will get through…..days like today will happen, and somewhere she will find what it takes to get through it, but it is not easy. I hope she realizes she is not alone in that. We are strong people, but we are suffering and I would be lying if I said otherwise. I just don’t tell a lot of people about it.
Mark is with her, there would be no place he would rather be, and he would never ever leave her. Their love was way too strong to be weak against death. He is there. I hope today’s feelings pass and that peace comes to her. I hope she sleeps peacefully and that tomorrow looks different. I wish I could make it better for her, but unfortunately no words I could ever say will help. All we can all do is love each other, be kind to others, and help them carry their pain, helping them to know they are not alone, they do not walk alone.
I am so sorry she is hurting today. I am sorry for anyone who is feeling that kind of loss. My prayers are with you.
Hugs
Chris