Out of the dark, ugly forest of summer… a place that just has changed all of us….. that hurt us all in ways that I can’t even explain…. has come this….. a beautiful rainbow of joy and happiness…..Sara and Russ are expecting in May…..
I have known for awhile, along with Dr. Jack, and kept quiet, just continued to ask friends for prayers for my family, but have held my secret close to my heart. When our family lost Baby Russ, Dr. Jack was with us for the funeral. He stood by us, there for us both physically and emotionally, a strong voice of reason in our time of grief.
He told Sara and Russ to allow themselves time to grieve, but to not give up hope. After all, for five years they had tried and while working with him, she had three pregnancies. Hope was here. This is was not impossible. It was not Sara’s fault nor the baby’s. And now that it was known what went wrong, it was a fixable issue.
Sara listened and told me she was not willing to give up yet because of what he said. What can I say? Like mother like daughter.
They decided to wait a bit after the baby died, give her body time to heal and all our hearts time to recover. After all, Shannon had passed so soon after and we were all such a mess. They were scared to try again, and who could blame them? I watched them stand at the cemetery and cry for all these months, they still do. We go there to make sure the baby’s spot is attended. I paint him a new pot every season and we decorate his area. My son in law meticulously cleans up the spots of babies around him, who seem to have no visitors. Sara stands there and just weeps and my heart hurts so badly for her.
I am stoic with them, but then I often go back, alone, and cry by myself, telling Baby Russ and Shannon to watch out for them. I talk to them as if they were there. I call the baby cutsie names and talk about us all to him, hoping he hears. I kneel down and tell him how I miss them both, that I know they are together.
I think they listen, they must have because awhile ago Sara called to tell me she was late. I held my breath a moment and said, “After the summer we have had? No kidding! You are going to be off for awhile.” Two weeks later? “Mom? I think I have symptoms of pregnancy.” As soon as she checked, it was confirmed. “Mom, we weren’t planning this,” she nervously told me. Yeah…. life is funny that way, when you least plan for it, things happen. I told her that maybe that was the way it was meant to be. Totally unplanned, totally unexpected. She worried that people would think she was trying to replace the baby. I told her no one would ever think such a thing. We could never replace the baby! This was a new person, totally unique and obviously meant to be because they were coming totally without planning!
Am I scared? Petrified would not begin to explain it. Her doctor has been on the job right away and has taken an extremely proactive approach. The fertility specialist that she didn’t even end up needing was consulted. She is on heparin shots daily and was told to give up her Walmrt job. Her school administrative assistant job is still okay but she limits many activities. Dr. Jack has been part of this process every step as Sara relies on his good advice.
She will be going for surgery after Thanksgiving to be stitched closed until near her delivery which is estimated for May 12. I told her to take it easy until May 18th and have the baby on my birthday. I mean how awesome would that be? I was born on my dad’s birthday, within minutes of his birth, and how great would it be if the baby shared mine?
I will be going with Russ and Sara the day of her surgery. Where else would I be? I will help Russ stay calm, and I will help Sara at home that day and then get out of the way! I will continue to pray and trust that there is a big plan here. Every day my prayer has been the same, please let this be the one that is here with us. We have waited so long for this miracle, my daughter wants so much to be a mom.
Given everything that happened, she has been shy to share her news with even our family, until last weekend, when she finally shared the news at my nephew’s wedding. Of course everyone was beyond thrilled for them. The joy was such a blessing on such a beautiful day for our family as my nephew married the love of his life, a couple together since high school. It was such a day of blessings for our family.
This week she is brave enough to share with friends and so now, the word is out and I can share, too!
A close friend told me, “How nice! Your first grandchild.” I told her, that no, this is my second. Russ Jr. is my first grandchild and always will be. He is the person who taught me in and hour and a half what it means to be a grandma. He taught me all about that grandma kind of love, that unconditional love and protection that my mom tried to explain to me. He will always hold the place of “first”in my heart, because when I looked at his face and kissed him, my life was forever changed by him. We will never forget him or Shannon. They are forever with us.
Next month, I will know who it is that already has such a big piece of my heart, be it girl or boy. Names are being discussed as these two bravely move into enjoying the planning. Uncle Joe now has someone who will bring back a little joy to his life as well. He is already intent that he will have to spoil them as much as Shannon would have. After all, this will be his third godson as he is godfather to my nephew John and Baby Russ.
My sister’s children look forward to a new baby and my nephew announced to me that he will be an uncle. My sister reminded him that they will be cousins but Sara told him he can be an uncle if he wishes.
Baby Russ and Shannon must have heard my prayers and worked pretty fast to bring this miracle to our family. I am admittedly a bit nervous and yet so happy! So truly truly happy!! I bet that explains a lot of my stress to you? Ha ha….. it’s getting better. Each week that goes by, it gets better. The excitement grows. We are so blessed….. we truly are. Happy Thanksgiving!
Hugs,
Chris