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Well, let’s see…. weight wise things have not changed much but that’s okay, I think they will be shortly.   Health wise?  Much better!  Eating better, sleeping better, wake up feeling rested!  Symptoms are in check and improving daily.  The mental fog has lifted and I can think more clearly without that constant strain to remember everything.  That is awesome!   My hair is not falling out as much, my eyes are not twitching anymore.  My skin looks better and although I still seem tired looking, things are improving.

Personally?  Better.   My grief comes in more like ripples than a tsunami now.  I still have moments where I hole up in my room and I can’t stop the tears, but it’s better.   I know in my head that I cannot change what is. My heart hasn’t quite gotten the memo yet.  There are those days I wish I could go back and fix everything….. but my head reminds me that no matter what I did, the outcome would be the same.

Read moreOctober 1, where am I?

Well….. after a lot of inner fighting, arguing, soul searching, and needless turmoil, I decided to make a change.    I gave up my second job and moved job three to slot two.   Yes, I was working three jobs. That’s why I don’t write here as often!

I teach school during the day, then I worked at Walmart, job two, and took on some tutoring kids as job three and I mean like ten kids, not one or two.   I was driving myself like no one I know.   And looking in, I can see just how unhealthy that was, but as always, it took some prodding on Dr. Jack’s part to make me see what I could not see.   That I was on a road that was totally stressing me out and I am stuck because of it.  Stuck in weight, stuck in symptoms, stuck…..

This week I gave my two weeks notice to job two.   Now that might not seem like a big thing to anyone but it was huge for me.   You see, I have a terrible habit of hanging onto things that aren’t working for me even though I know they aren’t working.   I just tell myself, to suck it up.  Stop being such a baby!  You are being lazy.  Yeah, my inner chatter is totally different than the sweet things I say to others.   I often think that people tell me I am encouraging and kindnto everyone, and I silently think,  that I am except to one person who I torture continuously. Me.

Read moreChanges…….

It’s actually going pretty well.   I have had a wicked cold all week, surely a sign that my body’s wonderful cold free for over a year immune system was completely out of check.  No surprise to me.    It was just one more reminder just how toxic,  an internal environment,  I am living in.

I started the week with my objectives though of staying the course and I did.  Some days were definitely a challenge but I pushed through.   Sugar was everywhere as it always is and constantly calling to me even though I have been off it so long.   I think that is just always going to be where stress calls me to comfort me.

Mentally?  Better.  It wasn’t easy there either.  My thoughts are often drawn to Baby Russ.  As we draw closer to his due date I think that will happen.   My heart aches for what should have been.  It hurts too when I get home, and I have to stop myself calling out to Shannon, to say I am home, to talk about our day.   Joey and I have settled into new routines, still plugging along.   My heart hurts to hear him say he made himself dinner while I was working, him eating alone. But I push through.

Read moreHow is the regrouping going?

I keep looking up to heaven and reminding Shannon, we had a deal….

You get to move in with your animals, and I look at them and think they are cute, and that’s it.  I know nothing about animals.     Yeah, that was a great plan!  Ha ha…..   So here I am living with Joey… and the animal menagerie…..Louie the cat, Bentley the bearded dragon, Gizzy the rabbit and Eli, the guinea pig.

Now in all truth, Joey does most of their care, but I don’t want him to go it alone so I try to help.  He cleans them and their cages, wlthough I hold Gizzy while Joey trimmed her fur.  I do help clean up their cages and have learned the routine, if I could just keep the days straight about what happens when.

Except for Louie…. Louie is easy.    Every morning, I feed Louie, and I must say he is a polite old guy.  He is very respectful of my space, is extremely courteous.  Although he will jump on Joey’s bed and sleep there during the day, he never jumps on mine.  As a matter of fact each morning at 5:15 he comes to my door, sits at the edge and meows what sort of sounds like,”Hello?”    If I turn on my light, he comes in and walks to the edge of my bed and meows, reminding me, it is breakfast time.  If I pretend to sleep, he takes that as a signal that I need to get up and moving, moving onto a louder sound, but no matter what? Never walks in my room unless the light is on and never jumps on my bed.

Read moreI think I am turning into Dr. Dolittle….

Back to school is always a challenging time, no matter how much you did all summer to get ready, it comes with work that simply cannot be done until you arrive.   Despite everything that happened this summer, I did a ton of research for two new courses I am teaching, trying to find the best materials, best practices, best possible methods for the kids I work with.   I have always tried to make things be about the bunch I have, so that everyone who wants to do well, can succeed.  Yes, it would be a lot easier to pull out a folder that says September, but that’s not me.   As I search for things, I keep my class list in front of me, focusing on the kids in that group.

This year, the beginning week was tough.  I am ready but still in my grief.  I would never let that impact my students.  I still planned fun things for the first week, and meaningful lessons as we move forward.   The construction projects at school that gave us limited time to work in our rooms did nothing to alleviate my stress, but my room is the colorful welcoming atmosphere my students have come to expect.

In doing all things new, I decided that my poorly feeling,  added weight, symptomatic self needed some work as well, so I took out  all the gray area of things I ate and totally committed to a do over of my plan. I make sure I have a lunch and snacks every day.  My “just in case” food is in my bag.   I have additional supplements for when I need them.

So far it has gone well, but yesterday I realized just how symptomatic I had been. You see, when you start Dr. Jack’s plan you go through a little healing crisis.  It is mostly a headachy, tired, sore muscles kind of thing as your body rids itself of toxins.   Well, mine is pretty much a full blown crisis. I have all that, my sciatic nerve is bugging me, the old pains return, and I think that is great!!

Yesterday, I was exhausted, and considered a call off of my second job, but way too stubborn for that.  I am so sleepy, so sore and so achy.  I also feel like I have a cold coming, well, yeah, when your healthy self is not so healthy, you pick up more. I would love to stay in bed today, but my second job calls, plus mom things to keep us going around here.

The thing is I am actually happy to see the crisis.  Because that means the toxic junk is leaving rapidly, and in a few days I am going to start losing the symptoms I had! I am happy to ride out the storm in anticipation of what comes next.  The clearing of the fog, the added energy, it’s all on its way!

My regrouping plan is thankfully working, albeit slow,but it’s working.   No, I didn’t weigh myself.   I know I would feel awful about myself so why do that.  Besides what does it matter?  This time it’s all about healthy.   I don’t care about the number, I really do care how I feel now.   What a huge change for me!

I have also tried hard to detox all those negative people we encounter.  Let their words roll off.  That has also been a challenge but I am making progress. If this summer, and Dr. Jack taught me one thing…. what is really important in your life?   A lot of people added in a lot of unneeded stress.  They still do, but I am handling it differently.  I always stop and tell myself I have only so much energy for a day, do I really want to spend it on them? Or spend it on my kids, myself, my work?

I didn’t take very good care of myself these last few months.  But, I have committed to change that and totally reprioritized my list.  And I finally did something I never did in my entire life, I moved myself up.   Yeah!  Me!  I did that!

Now, I can’t say I am comfortable with being at the top yet, like any parent, I reserve that spot for my children. But I am comfortable with sharing the top seat, making my health and myself a priority in my own life.   A much needed change, long overdue.

So here is to the headache, sore muscles, feeling icky day!  Healing crisis in full effect!  Can’t wait for what’s coming!    If I can regroup, so can you!  Don’t make me go it alone….  feel icky with me! The best is coming!

Hugs,

Chris

The last few months show.   Holy cow, they show…..I see it, in weight, in symptoms, on my face, in my lack of sleep, and my racing mind, but worst of all? My foggy thought process.

I could write six blogs about that…  it really won’t change anything.   And, over the last two months, each week I would tell myself that I needed to regroup, but then more happened.   And really,  all I was doing was setting myself up for failure.  Because if you want to be successful at changing your health, you have to be mentally THERE and I wasn’t.   You cannot fix what you are mentally unprepared for.    My mind was occupied by grief, my own and my family’s.   Not an excuse, just a fact.

Yesterday, we lost another person.  Dear Father Jack, my brother in law’s cousin, to stage four lung cancer, never having smoked a day in his life.   He is the second person I know that this awful tragedy happened to.  Too many people lately…. too many in this family.  Father Jack was the epitome of what a priest should be.   He worked at several colleges and has touched countless people’s lives.   When you ask people what they will remember about him, it will be his smile, his love of God, and his ability to teach about God without ever saying a single word.   Our family will miss his jovial smile, his love, his exhuberance for life, and the fun he brought to every family party.  Another person to miss at family dinners…  more grief. It’s taking its toll.

Last week, on Tuesday, I had a phone appointment with Dr. Jack and we talked about my grief for a bit.     It was one of the most eye opening meetings we ever had.   I always take notes when I meet with people in person or on the phone.  It is a habit left over from my most brain fogged times.   I do it because I never used to remember what was decided.  It became  habit that stuck and I like it because it is easier to go back and think about what was discussed.

Dr. Jack mentioned to me that my grief is showing in many ways, that in so many of my emails, I seem so tired.   While listening to him, I jotted down “Tiered.”   I listened to him talk but my gaze was riveted to what I wrote….tiered??  What the heck…. I do not misspell words and certainly not tired.   I thought wow….. how tired I really must be!

The details of our conversation are kind of personal to me….. but suffice to say,I spent the better part of the week thinking about it, I am still thinking about it every day.    I need a rewind and total do over.   I am a mess… a physical, mental, emotional wreck and that’s it, not accepting that fate.   Sorry….rewind….redo….    I am not criticizing myself.  I think I did the best I could with the circumstances I was faced with,  and I forgive that.   Maybe I could have done better, but it doesn’t matter now.  I just have to fix things.  I know I have a big job to do, but I also have a better understanding of it.   In the midst of trying to cure myself, I learned a ton!   Life happened while it was going on, bringing valuable lessons that are needed to actually totally cure myself.  Yes, they came with some back sliding, so what?  As long as I don’t stay here, that is still progress.  And believe me, I won’t be staying here…. yesterday taught me that.

That “tired/ tiered”  thing manifested itself again yesterday,  Joey and I ran to the grocery store because I have a busy weekend,  two family showers and school work to get ready.  While at the store, I called my sister to clarify a few things for today’s celebration.   As we are walking out of the store, I said to Joey, “What did I do with my phone?”   “Mom, are you okay?  You are talking on your phone.”   Oh…. yeah…..  sighhhhhhhh…. oh yes! I recognize you, old enemy of mine……    Brain fog…..

Yes, Brain fog…. here it comes.  My old nemisis……  Yeah, that’s it… not doing brain fog…..the final stop.   The few pounds I was miserable about…. the symptoms? Annoying, but when you are misspelling simple words and can’t remember things and the brain fog is returning? Yeah, I am done now.  The temper tantrum of grief has to stop.   I cannot and will not go back to that way of life.  That was way too hard.

So, Monday, I am beginning a total redo.  No more organic coffee, get rid of anything processed, back to the basics, get myself in check redo.    I am trying to pick up all the great habits I had, drinking enough water, journaling my food intake, being more careful about what I am taking  in, back to bagged up supplements for the day, getting on a better sleep schedule, and just rewind.   This time?  Pick up some other life changers…… handling stress better….. learning to let go of what I cannot control…if I can do all that? In a few months, I will totally feel like myself again, even better than before!

I know the grief will still creep up, I know it will.   It did yesterday as I sat at the shower.   I wanted to just sit there and cry.   Too m aybthings just came up in my head, but I handled them.   Me not taking care of my health, and punishing myself through bad habits isn’t going to bring anyone back.  The regular stresses of my  life aren’t going anywhere so I need better coping mechanisms.    I have to just get myself pulled together here.  I need a great plan… oh yeah! Hello!  I already have one!  Thankfully, I have an awesome plan and the best guide in the world.

Back on the Road Back from Hashimoto’s….  see you at the finish line.  I may be the last one there, and I may be crawling there after the other people have gone home, but I am going to get there… with a learning curve I had not expected, life changing moments….. it’s okay though.  The first thing Dr. Jack ever told me?  “This is a marathon, not a sprint.”   Lessons learned….adios detour, it’s been real….  move on.

I always knew pets grieved, I can’t say I totally understood how.   But like any living creature, some love, understanding and attention goes a long way in helping. For some, the road is harder.    All of our family animals have grieved in some ways.   Some seem to be making their way easier than others.

Who took death the hardest?  Sara’s dog, Bailey.   That’s the hardest one for me.   I have always loved Bailey.   And he has always loved me.   He is a tan colored miniature poodle, not the toy, but a mini, and I have always been one of his favorites.   He knows the sound of my car lock and When I would arrive it was always the same.   He hears my car door, and jumps on the couch.  Then he looks out the picture window, and waits for me to hit the lock so he can hear the beep.

Read morePets and their grief….

You are going to pay for it…. that’s the truth about stress…. you will pay and you will pay big.

So the truth about me is that I am super at letting stress invade my mind and body.   I mean I am skilled!   I talk about stress, I think I handle it.  I am not handling it, it is handling me!

And the truth is that this summer was just the final topping on the cake.   That stress had been building all year.   And Dr. Jack kept telling me that I needed to do something about it.  I was hearing him, I just wasn’t listening.   I kept thinking, pffftttttt…. I will be fine, it is just a little set back, well the truth is, the little setback is like more like a nine month setback.   I am angry with myself.     I should be in a better place!   And believe me I have paid for that mindset with a list…. extra weight… awful beginnings of symptoms…. less sleep and stress…. don’t even get me started.

So what’s the truth about the stress?  The truth about the stress is,  if you have ever sat at a Dr. Jack seminar, then you have heard about stress.  Dr. Jack always talks about the role of physical, chemical and emotional stress, and its effects on weight loss efforts and symptomology.    I have heard that countless times. I could repeat it verbatim.  Oh,    I heard it but was I really listening? Again no.  Obviously no because I didn’t take care of it.

But now I am living proof of what it does, and what it does if you ignore it.  I am the three ring circus of stress.    Here is where the glitch is.   I had a tonnnnnnnn of emotional stress that reached its max this summer.  That created physical stress, as I was constantly tense, my muscles sore and achy, and the harder the stress fought,  the harder I thought I fought it, rather than just understand and distress.  I didn’t help it. I made it worse!   That produced chemical stress, because hormone wise? Holy cow……  juggling all the balls in the air and throwing in more.  So of course, at some point one was going to fall, and then they all fell!

Read moreThe truth about stress…..

Ever been on a road trip?  And all of a sudden you get a bit lost?  You find yourself on an unfamiliar road, that leads you to another unfamiliar road and that leads you to someplace you really don’t even want to be?  It is dark and scary there and you want to get out but you keep traveling in circles.  You stop and ask directions but you can’t even comprehend them because in your head, you are all twisted around and don’t know which way you are going.   You meet familiar faces who try to help you but you just keep wandering.   You can’t find your way out,  and you are tired of the scenery. But you just don’t care because you think you are just stuck here and you will never find a way out again.  And then suddenly you see a sign that shows you the way back.

There is always a cost to the detour between time and money and then,  of course,  you are annoyed because of the ground you lost?

Yeah….. that’s me.   Wandering in this deep ugly place, and not caring that I did.

I have been lost for awhile.   I know you understand why.  School will be starting in a few short weeks and I feel like I am going back exhausted.  There has been no fun, no time to just be, no books read, no fun art projects, no evenings on the porch, no get aways for the day, no lunches with friends…..  this was not the rejeuvinating experience I had sadly needed.   Instead, it has been a summer of tears and grief, of so much sadness.   Worst summer of my entire life.   Worse than the summer I lost my mom….. worse then the summers I worked the whole summer…… the absolute worst.

Read moreThe detour in the road…..

aka…. their animals…..

When Shannon and Joe wanted to get their own place last September/October, there was a lot of apartment searching, and the glitch was always  her animals.  So many places said no to her pets.  She was getting discouraged, and used to tease that she would be living in her car with her animals.

I tried to do the good mother in law thing and mind my own business, not saying too much, but soon it got the best of me.  I didn’t want to interfere but I knew I had the perfect solution.     So one day I sat them down, gently approached  and  offered her Sara’s old room. I told  her that she and Joe could live here, and they could save some money to get their own place, and I didn’t mind her animals as long as she took care of them.  I explained that I work three jobs really, and often, I leave the house at six thirty in the morning, return at ten in the evening, sleep and do it again tomorrow, so essentially, they would be here alone.  They would have to cook their own meals, and I would cook for myself, and they would care for the animals themselves because I knew nothing about them.

She agreed that it was a good solution.  but like anyone was nervous about it. I get it, even though I knew Shannon loved me like a daughter, the transition would be challenging.   I so much wanted her to be comfortable here, so I asked her about Sara’s room.   “You can leave it exactly as it is, she told me.”   She was way too sweet to ask me for anything, but   I totally redid Sara’s old room, painting it a color she liked and made new curtains and dresser scarves that I thought she would  like.   I did an owl design for the curtains, with complimentary colors around the room.   Her eyes lit up when she saw it.  She would bring boxes, move some things in.  I never looked because I am all about privacy.   But I saw she things to hang inside a box and I showed her where the hammer was.    “I don’t want to make holes,” she told me, so when she left I started hanging things.  She came back again smiling and hugged me for trying to make the room hers,   I wanted her to be at home here, and she made her way slowly.  We lived here happily, in peace.

Read moreShannon and Joe’s children….