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The other day I ran into a friend who told me I hadn’t written much for a while.  He told me that he reads here all the time and wondered where I had gone to.  I was telling him that I am struggling because I had told myself that I needed to stop focusing on the difficult things in my life.  I mean people read here for help with their disease.  He looked at me and told me that I don’t get it, that the people who read here DO read for that, but that he does not have Hashimoto’s.   He reads because he said that he likes how real I write…..   okay I never had considered that.  As weird as it sounds, that day two more people made the same comment, that they just like to read it,  not because of my disease.

Well, the truth is, I am struggling to keep my focus on that.   I have a lot going on here still.   I really do.   Anyway, yesterday, I pulled in the driveway after tutoring a student, and I got out of my car and it smelled so nice in the yard.   I realized it was all the pretty flowers.  I didn’t plant them, Joey and Shannon did.

Read moreThe flowers in my garden….

Wednesday night, I was sitting and writing my blog about Joey’s birthday.  And when I was done, I was looking at Facebook.   I love Facebook. It’s a huge welcomed distraction to my day.  I get to catch up on people’s lives.   I get to read tips and tricks for everything from teaching to yard projects.  I enjoy it.

I have a lot of Facebook friends, from family, to co workers to friends.   The largest portion of my friends, are former students and parents of students.  I love  looking at pictures of graduation parties, students I had getting ready to move to college, getting their first jobs, engagements, weddings, new houses, babies, prayer requests that I always deliver on and just looking at people enjoying summer.   Even though I am in the middle of the worst summer of my life, with enormous grief, it makes me happy to see others in the midst of joy.  I know that might sound strange, but it makes me happy knowing others are having a night out of fun and friends, vacations, dinners out, walks on the beach…..because maybe,  that means that soon, it will be my turn.  In the wait, I am filled with joy for them.  I know I am weird, lol…. if you just stated reading here, I am weird.  Accept it, I have… lol… I often think I get more joy from people photos of things than they did.

Scrolling past the drama filled ones because I can’t handle those right now,  my eye caught a post from Dr. Jack.  He was away on vacation and the person who was going to attend his Business Networking meeting was not going to be able to make it and so he needed a last minute sub.  I actually made Joey giggle as I typed, “Pick me!  Maybe you don’t see me down here because I am short! Jumping up and down, pick me!”   You see, I never ever everrrrrrrrrr get to do anything for Dr. Jack.   And if you know me in reality land, you know how hard that is for me.  “Mom,” he laughed, “You are sounding desperate.”   We both giggled, a welcomed relief to the mood at our house lately.

Read moreThursday, Dr. Jack’s BNI group….

Today is Joey’s birthday, his thirtieth.  My baby boy is thirty, how did that happen so fast?   It’s Wednesday night, as I write this to post tomorrow,   I am watching him across the room.   Sigh…. in a few weeks,  his stress shows.  He looks tired.  It is written across his face.    I should talk when almost every one of my tutoring kids told  me today that I look exhausted.   I really have to try to get my good sleep back.   It will come eventually, just not today.

Yesterday, Cathy, Shannon’s mom, took Joey for lunch to celebrate his birthday.   He wasn’t in the mood for  much fun,  but I know she made it feel okay for him, because he enjoyed it.   She got him a fun card and made it special because today she won’t be around as she has to return to her job.  He enjoyed being with her, he loves Cathy very much and I know she loves him equally.   He just called Shannon’s grandpa to touch base.  Their conversation ended as it always does, “I love you, Grandpa.”

Today will not be an easy day, not many days have been easy the last week and a half.   We have gotten through, cried lots, laughed just a tiny bit, and mostly we just “be.” Last night, we spent hours on the floor with flashlights looking for another escaped cricket that the bearded dragon eats.  Not quite the evening plan.  This was not the birthday Shannon and I had planned for today.  There was to be homemade pasta and sauce, a birthday cake, some family fun.  But there is no sense in rehashing that.  Nothing will change the facts, nothing will magically return to as it was in May, before Joey lost his godson, before Shannon left us.  And he isn’t in the mood. He doesn’t feel like presents or cards, just keeping it simple because I asked him to please at least acknowledge the day with something.   After all, to me, this is an important day.   I know it isn’t a party mood but quiet and peaceful works too.

Read moreHappy Birthday, Joey!

I feel  like one of those cartoon characters. You know.  On a road and they get to a whole bunch of detour signs but for sure they pick the wrong one and then they are lost.   I am a little lost,  admittedly, am  a mess…. I am trying very hard to be patient with myself.  And I have Dr. Jack as the compass…. I am just having a little trouble getting motivated to move.  It’s going to take time… that should be my new theme song.

I started June with this great  idea…. I am going to take June, July and August and get myself into a better place in all aspects of my life.   I was going to go back to the basics, equaling out all things.  Learn to lose these negative people in my life, emotionally detach myself from the stress they bring.  Divorce them of the energy they seem to pull from me.    I was going to clean up my diet even further.  Get on a better plan of more organic, more clean eating because I know that helps me function best. I don’t do well with weirdo foods, not enough water, not enough balance and not enough sleep.   I was going to find ways to destress, read more, paint, color, make things, exercise, meditate, and have fun!  There’s  an idea!   To just have fun. I don’t have much fun in my daily life and it’s long past the time to get some.   That was a great plan! Doesn’t it sound perfect?   It really was…..

That plan?   Let’s just stamp it  “Total Failure” and move on…..  tomorrow is August first, know where I am with that? Yeah…. further back than the bad place I was in when I dreamed it up.  And I mean further back, like remember the road back from Hashimoto’s?  I am on a detour and it’s not going well…..  that is totally honest.

Read moreThe Detour on the Road Back….

Shannon …. wearing her bearded dragon, Bentley.  Her sweet smile makes me smile…..She loved.   She really loved.   She loved her mom and family…..Joey….her friends….her animals…. her older people…all of us, …..Today, I can talk about it…. maybe…. we will see…

Yesterday, Shannon is gone a week.  One week….  I can’t believe that.  It feels like a moment ago.  I am not sure where the week has gone.   We have spent most of it in the same chairs in our living room, numb.   We move from crying to silent to crying.   My son is still in shock.   His heart is so broken.   His spirit is broken. It will take a lot to heal him.   Not sure he will ever heal totally.   He is trying, but it will take time.    I watch, praying for healing, wishing I could help him, but all I can do is to listen, to love.

Yesterday was Shannon’s mom birthday.  How heartbreaking..I kept thinking about her all day…  next week is Joey’s birthday….. sigh…..

Yesterday, for whatever reason we were “off.”   Everything we touched either broke or didn’t work.  Our fingers would not work, we were a mess. Finally, we each gave unto the grief.   We stopped trying so hard to be “normal,” productive.   Normal will come, just not today…   maybe not next week.   Who knows when…. we are trying.  I care that there is food to eat and that we have our safe place to cry, to scream, to yell, to pray, to sleep, I don’t care about much else. If you stop by and things are a mess? Oh well….

So many people have written, called, texted and asked how we are.  They have given us all a safe haven to grieve.   They have listened.   I know it is a shock to everyone when someone so young passes away.  Believe me, none  more shocked than our collective families. If someone had told me in May what an awful summer this would be, I would have never believed them.  Honestly, I don’t know where we are all dragging the strength to just keep going.

Read moreSweet Shannon….

Dear Shannon,

I just want to tell you about yesterday.  It was a crazy day.     First Louie, the alarm kitty, woke me at his usual 5:30 wanting his breakfast.  I got up and filled his dishes but he only took two bites and meowed at me, making me follow him.  I had no idea what was wrong.  He sat between the other animals cages waiting until I fed them, and then he went back to eat his breakfast. I explained to him that I am not feeding crickets to Bentley and he would have to wait for Joey to get up.   Louie accepted that explanation.   Since you are gone,  he seems to believe he is in charge and he needs to be sure everyone is fed.  He has not been himself, I know that he knows what happened.   But I keep explaining to him.  He often sleeps on your spots in the house.

Both Joey and I and even Louie, were having that kind of an “off” day.   We all wanted to just hide from the outside world.  We were content to just sit, look at the computer and read.  Laundry and such could wait for another day.  We just didn’t have the motivation.   Well, that was until, Joey got a little antsy.  He told me he was taking a sketch he had, going for a drive and getting a tattoo consult.   I thought…. hmmmmmm..

Read moreDear Shannon, Joey got a tattoo and your pets miss you,

Thank you to so many people who wrote to me to express their condolences.  Your kind words have brought comfort.  Many have asked how my son is coping.

He is coping…. he knows he has no choice.  He is my son, and we are cut from steel, we may cry and get beat up.  We get bruised, but we still get up.   It just takes time.   He has responsibilities. He has vowed to take care of Shannon’s animals, her mom and grandpa are his family,too.   He is trying very hard to take care of everyone. And like any mother, I have stood close enough to be his support but given him space to express his grief freely.

He is …. me.   He has poured his grief onto paper.  He wrote something to be given out at  the celebration of life that is being planned for Shannon.   He is working on a slide show.    He was drawing a tattoo.   Shannon had many tattoos, she always wanted Joey to get one, but he never had.   But now he wants a permanent reminder, and whatever he needs to do to help himself heal, I support him.  He is working on some remembrance things and plans to do many of the memorial things himself for the celebration.   He needs to, that will help him.  Sara and I and family will help him to do what he needs to do.  He is my son, our grief shows itself in words and projects.

Little by little, day by day, often moment by moment, we are all coping.   Shannon’s aunts and  uncle came right away driving here from Texas.  Her grandfather is happy to have all his girls here.   Her mom, is dealing with many of the difficult tasks that go with the death of a loved one.  She, like any mom, has her awful moments.   Who is a parent and does not understand….. it is a tough road filled with enormous pain.  But she has support, her family and ours.  Joey is ready and only a phone call away.  He is working on a list of emergency numbers including mine, Sara and Russ’s for her grandpa in case he needs help and Cathy is unavailable.  He is trying to do his best.

Read moreHow Joey is coping…

Yes, it’s really early.  Yes, I am wide awake, and I got up to feed Louie, Shannon’s cat, and her guinea pig, Eli,  and her bunny rabbit, Gizzy.   What can I say?  She loved her animals, her children as she called them.  I will let Joe feed the bearded dragon, Bentley when he wakes up.   I am trying to learn how to care for them. They miss her, especially Louie.  He keeps looking for her, I know he knows something happened.   He was here when it did.

I am also trying to be as silent as possible.  Last night was the first time I think Joey has really  slept completely.  He is exhausted, as am I.   Yes I got up,several times to just listen at his door.  He was sound asleep and much needed sleep.    Even I got a few solid hours which will help, I am sure. I may go back to bed for a little, or take time to pray for bit.

Yesterday, Dr. Jack encouraged me to add in a few supplements to aid the process.  My stress level has been ginormous.   We went to make arrangements yesterday, and the funeral director was wonderful. But it’s still hard.  All of a sudden it just gets real.

Solutions4 makes an herbal stress relief which really did help to bring down my level of stress.  As Dr. Jack reminded me, sleep was definitely needed.  So I thought I might write some more while I am still in this place of peace.   Let’s see how far I can get.

Shannon’s death was a total and complete shock.  I can’t write about that part yet.  That will take some more time.   All I know is this summer is my nightmare.    As a mother, this has been my hardest time. My plans of jobs around the house, and getting myself in order have fallen by the side as there are hours I just sit and cry.  I know that is normal.  Grief takes its time.  And it’s all okay.

I have always been lucky with my kids.  They really grew up giving me minimal problems.  They aren’t perfect by any means, but they pretty much grew up without major issues.  I was a busy mom, always working, but I kept a good handle on things.  As my mother and father trained me, things were not as important as time.   Their childhood was filled with important conversations.  I was strict in terms of what they were allowed to do, and a force to be had.   As my sister and I always laughed telling our children, “We know, we are dinosaurs.  We were raised by dinosaurs and can teach you to be a dinosaur, too.”

When my Sara and Russ found each other, and Joey found Shannon, I got four children.   I love my in law kids, they are my own children to me.   And both of them have always treated me like their mom.   Just like my children, all four got along, there has been a lot of double dating, and Shannon and Sara have been like two giggly sisters since they met. So many family get together have been the two girls laughing so hard that they cried from laughter.   When Sara had her miscarriage, Shannon was in the car, running to Sara’s home and wrapping her in her arms as both cried together.  Russ has been a brother to Joey.    I am blessed.

When Sara lost the baby, the family was all in.   Everyone gathered to help, to support.  This has been no different.  They are all their for each other.   My siblings and cousins the same, as is Shannon’s family who are our family.   All of us, together.

This morning as I am sitting here, relieved to hear the sounds of Joey sleeping quietly, I am just thinking about this last year.   If this summer has taught me one thing, it’s that I need to stop giving energy and precious time to things that are really so unimportant in my life.   I need to selfishly guard myself against spending wasted time and energy on things and people who do not deserve my precious time.   And by that I mean the people who come into our lives with their agendas of stress that merely pull us into their web of energy draining nonsense.  I am angry just thinking about the last year and those I allowed to do that. All that wasted emotion on what?

I know that if one good thing comes out of this for me?  It is that finally….. I learn that lesson.  I am so tired of worrying about situations and people who only take from me.   I am often so interested in keeping them happy in fulfilling unachievable expectations that I allow my health, both physical and mental to suffer.   And for what?   Are they here supporting us?  No.   This summer, I lost two young people.    Life is so precious.   The people I lost had a huge piece of my heart.   Their lives had meaning in  my life.

I hope my words and my pain inspire you to change your life.   If I can help one other person with the intense pain I am feeling, then it will be worth it.   Who is really important to you? Who is draining your Energy?  Stealing what you might have spent on those that love you?   Whose expectations are impossible and yet no matter how hard you try they criticize?  What have they stolen from you?  How have they impacted your health?

I am done with that, with them.   I can be polite to anyone, but letting them into my inner circle?  Never again.   I am vowing to never let that happen to me again.  I lost too much this summer.  In four weeks I have lost far too much…..    Tears coming, need to stop now….

Dear friends,

Please send prayers…….We are in pain…..this family is in such enormous pain.  Friday night, my future daughter in law, who lives with my son and I passed away at the age of twenty eight, from natural cause……

It is a complete shock, and once again, I guess I keep thinking that if I just don’t say it, it won’t be real.   We have not grieved but four weeks since the baby died.  And here we are again. I have tried to write about it but my pain has been so intense.   My tears are non stop.   Watching my young son, lose the love of his entire life, on top of the baby’s passing is so painful.

Shannon was a sweet girl.  She loved her family, her Alzheimer’s patients where she worked as a CNA and her pets.   She and my son were born to be together. The met each other nine years ago and they just clicked.   They were always so cute together, the kind of couple who just were devoted to each other.   Engaged  a few years ago, they committed to one another as they tried to save for a wedding.

In November, Shannon and her mom had to move because their apartment was being sold.   Her mom was moving to a single dwelling with no pets,  and so I offered Shannon Sara’s room, as she had her beloved guinea pig, lion mane rabbit, bearded dragon and Louis, the cat.    She accepted and since that time we have lived here happily, in peace.     Since I work a ton, Shannon just picked up jobs without being asked.  The house was picked up, she did all the laundry, my gardening was done, and she was always adding or doing something to make the house homey. She and Joey cooked their meals together.  I used to laugh at her movie collection of mostly scary movies, her Walking Dead obsession, and her love of all thing spooky. She was most content at home and she was starting to feel as if this was her home.

That’s as far as I can get today, as the flood has begun again…I am trying but I just can’t…  this has been my therapy, but the pain is too great today….    just please, pray for us all.  My heart is broken watching not one but all my children grieve, and Shannon’s family, and myself.

Hug your kids…. you never know.   Her last words to me were thank you and I love you.  She was a daughter to me, nothing in law about it…. and she is gone… far too young.

Chris

The other day, I was at job two, and I had not brought a lunch.  Why didn’t I? No excuse really, just didn’t even think on it.   And I got super hungry.   Sometimes I have bought a prepared salad from Walmart.   Umm…. yuck.  Seriously hate those. They aren’t awful really just they taste funky to me.   I have well defined taste buds.

I have a real love for fresh.  At times I have just bought lettuce, olive oil  and a bowl lol… but I was not in the mood, so I went to the Subway in the store and got a small chopped salad.  I asked for all veggies, no meat or cheese.   Salt, pepper and olive oil.   I was excited, lol… no kidding!  I love fresh chopped salad! I just like that taste of all of it together.  It always has a unique flavor.

Actually, I was thinking that I wonder if you can buy one of those chopper things from Walmart.com or Amazon!  I am sure they sell them! Maybe that will be a little gift from me to me!   Ahhhh… my head is going fast again, getting side tracked.

My actual favorite salad spot is Greens, up near Dr. Jack’s office, on Transit Rd., which he recommended to me.  I got hooked, immediately, I admit.  Theirs is the best, hands down.   But this would do.  I got lettuce and spinach, cucumbers, peppers, banana ring peppers, jalapeño, and olives.  I skipped the tomatoes, trying to keep the sugar at bay a little.  Why don’t they have more vegetables…. like artichokes, or radishes.   I sat down in the back and put my phone away.  Too easy to eat mindlessly staring at your phone, although I have done that too.

Read moreWhat’s “healthy?”