I feel like I got hit by a bus….. like what the heck happened? Did this last week really happen, or was it a bad dream? I feel brain foggy, no doubt bad food, and pure exhaustion. I feel unhealthy but I am regrouping. This, too, shall pass, and not without its lessons. I can’t imagine how I could deal with this before I got healthy. I am just a bit numb right now, zoned. It’s going to take time.
I am up early, againnnnnnn…..my sleep pattern is still off, but hoping today, each day, with its more “normal” pace will be better. I fall asleep, exhausted but wake up all through the night thinking, my head racing. I think about the baby, I think about my daughter and son in law. I think about my son and his fiancé, wishing I could take away their pain. I worry. Then I go back to sleep and in an hour I wake up again, same thoughts.
Yesterday, I tried to normalize my life. I got out my calendar, started scheduling my summer tutoring kids. I made appointments, reached out to thank some people, finalized plans on meeting a dear friend today for lunch, then Sara and I have the chiropractor, sooooo needed for her especially, and then I am meeting with a new tutoring student. That will be about as much as I can handle today. Maybe a load of laundry. I am trying to get back on track. Friday, it is back to Walmart, and some other tutoring students. I have to line up my summer work for school because I am teaching a new course in the fall and I need to be ready. I had a lot planned for summer, jobs that need to be taken care of….. But I also need to schedule some relaxation.
And I need to allow my grief to come. My grief like everyone’s in this family comes in waves. I am fine and then the tsunami of pain hits, then fine, back to the tsunami. I pick up something and then I lose it. I cry, I get angry, I cry, I pray, I am okay…. it’s all the grief cycle.
My health has suffered, physically, mentally, but I am trying to regroup. Yesterday was better, I was more conscious about what I ate, taking time to just be, doing some breathing exercises, centering my mind. Remembering what is important, and taking time for self care, something I have neglected, but that’s another blog.
Tuesday was the second hardest day of my entire life. The funeral of my dear sweet grandson. I spent the entire last week with my daughter and son in law from morning until evening. I just couldn’t leave them. We worked hard together, to make his funeral be as special as every person deserves. We made little touches that we hoped made him realize that he was so important to us.
We chose to use Jim and Evan Loomis on Seneca street for the arrangements, that was a God inspired moment because they were beyond anything I could have expected. At the hospital I kept praying that I needed someone with a special touch for this because the kids needed support. They were perfect.
The kindness, generosity, graciousness, the love and compassion were just so much greater than expected. They sat with all of us, taking time, reassuring, sharing their stories. Mr. Loomis is a dad from my last school and Evan was in my class. Who else would I trust? They are now part of our family. Forever will be. They treated my grandson like he was their family. He was shown the greatest respect in every way. Treated like he was theirs…. can’t talk about that yet through tears…. another day.
They were patient with us. I could not let little Russell leave this world with nothing from me, so I sewed him an outfit to wear, with booties I knitted and a blanket. No way would he leave here with nothing from his grandma. I sewed it and it was made with my tears in the stitches. I have needle poked fingers where I couldn’t see the stitch that came next. Russ and Sara bought him a little green tractor and wrote him a letter, We gave pictures of his time with us. We got balloons…. I wrote his Eulogy….. we wanted him to know how loved he was. My sister and I read at the Mass, and I read at the cemetery. I had to channel my inner teacher to get through but I did it. Thankfully with the love and support of others.
His grandparents all brought flowers to the funeral and we all cried together at losing him. We all wore blue. The Mass was lovely. It really was. We were surrounded by people who could come, and in spirit by those who could not. Our homes have beautiful flowers and cards, and our hearts full with texts, messages, and kindnesses of people.
And sitting right next to me in Church with our family and friends? Dr. Jack, holding my hand in so many ways, supporting me and Sara, caring about us, … my sweet Sara asked him to sit with us, as he is family too. After all Russell jr. would never have been without Dr. Jack. I will write more about that next time…. my tears are in the way. I can’t compose myself long enough to write about that yet, maybe tomorrow…. just for today know, that this sweet man, is what every doctor should be…. I can’t today…. tomorrow.
The baby is buried a stones throw from my parents and grandparents, next to a beautiful tree. He left this world with a beautiful day, filled with people who love him and us. Our family is so rich in people who love us. Even some of my students came with their families. Many could not make it due to work schedules but they were with us, and I am grateful.
Sara and Russ are okay. They are slowly making their way. Sara had her follow up visit and all is well with her body which is slowly returning to normal. She is grieving and I am trying to be there when she needs me but giving space now. As a mother, it’s hard to know the correct balance.
A few days ago, it all hit. I laid with her on her bed, closed the door and she sobbed from the deepest place you can go. It nearly tore my heart out as I wished it be my burden and not hers. I have never hurt so much in my entire life. But it was needed. I kept telling her that, to just let it out. Holding it in will do nothing but harm. It was over an hour of crying, incoherent words, and grief. But in its own way, it was healing. She was exhausted after but mentally better. It’s going to be a long road for her, and her husband but she will get there. We are cut from tough stock. We are strong women, and we love big and hurt bigger. But what we are best at, is survival.
Your continued prayers for all of us are so appreciated. Truly! I have so many friends here…. people I have never met. And I appreciate your messages, your emails, your concern for us. Huggggsssssssss…..
I know that sounds silly. But I am finally feeling normal again, regarding my own health. During the time of the baby’s death, I ate anything that everyone else ate, well mostly. I know chicken wings were involved and just stuff I stay away from. Not sweets, but we ate a lot of on the go meals. It was a crisis situation, I don’t recall if I ate, when I ate or what I ate. I know a few things were not awful, just not food I normally have. And believe me, I have paid for it. In symptoms and a bit of weight, I have paid for it. Nothing is out of control but I need to get my good habits back on track. It didn’t help that I had a lot of stress the last few months that got under my skin. Then this just added to the situation,
Here is the problem….. I keep trying to force the writing, and it’s not working. I keep thinking that no one wants to hear about my grief, and I don’t blame them. I am Debbie Downer in my own head, and people read here for hope about their disease and better health…… and yet, every time I try to write about a regular thing, my head is still here. The words don’t come….. Sighhh…..
My class this year was such a sweet group of kids. They really were, and I enjoy having them in my life. Many came for the baby’s funeral, they really do teach me so much more than I teach them…
Funny isn’t it, how you work and work and work at something, give it your all, and then one day, from out of nowhere, the whole thing hits you right between the eyes! The moment you think, Hello!!! That is it!
Today, I can…. not without emotion, but I can….
I would like to talk about Dr. Jack, but this morning was the first day I was alone at home and honestly? I lost it. I am talking curled in bed and my pillow needs to be washed and dried as it is soaking wet. From every cell in my body came gut wrenching pain.
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